BDSM Rituals and Why You Need Them

Rituals are an important part of any healthy BDSM relationship. They help the Dominant and submissive remember their roles, and can be a way to stay centered and focused. But creating powerful and easy Dom/sub rituals (that don’t fizzle out) can be challenging.  Read on to discover proven examples of D/s rules and protocols, and maybe pick up some new ideas to transform your connection.

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What are BDSM rituals?

Sometimes people will use the words rituals, rules, and protocols interchangeably but they are slightly different. A BDSM protocol is a hard and fast rule usually listed in a D/s contract. A ritual is more of a way of carrying out something. It almost always involves an action where the Dom prescribes a series of behaviors for their pleasure and benefit.

Why have Dom/sub rituals?

Rituals are a way to discipline a sub.  They teach them obedience and submission and keep them in the right frame of mind.  This is true for the Dom as well.  Sometimes if a sub has been allowed to act too bratty or is topping from the bottom, a ritual can snap both parties back into their role.

I really enjoy my rituals and view them as almost solemn and spiritual.  When I perform a ritual it feels somewhat ceremonial even.  I take pleasure in knowing I’m doing something my Daddy wants and that makes him happy.

Examples of D/s rituals, rules, and protocols

Rituals are automatic and a good sub shouldn’t have to be asked to do it every time. If a sub does forget (they’re not perfect) they should be disciplined to the proper degree.  A good Dom doesn’t make up rituals just for the sake of having one.  There should be a reason for them and should be for their pleasure. To give you some ideas, here are a few examples of the rules and protocols my Daddy has for me:

1. Kneeling

My Daddy usually goes to bed before me since he wakes up early, so once I’m all ready for the night, I sit in the bed next to him and kneel.  If he doesn’t wake up by then I will lightly rub him and say, “I’m ready for bed now, Daddy.”  If he hasn’t gone to bed yet I’ll kneel on the floor instead and wait for permission to get in bed.  He also has me kneel before a scene as well.

2. Arrival greeting

This is another popular ritual and one I can safely perform in front of others.  When he comes home, wherever I am in the house and no matter what I’m doing, I go and greet him with a kiss and tell him, “Hi Daddy”.

3. A morning text

My Daddy decided on the joint ritual of every morning texting each other.  He usually texts me first to tell me good morning and that he loves me.  I reply with how I’m feeling, a detailed plan for my day, and that I love him.  I love waking up and seeing a text from him, and this also allows him to make sure I’m getting up when I’m supposed to.

4. Collars

There are so many ways to incorporate collars with rituals.  Currently we have two.  The first one is I have to wear my Day Collar whenever I leave the house or around company.  If he’s home he will put it on for me.  Second, when I kneel before a scene he puts my Play Collar on me. See ideas for different collars here.

5. Shaving

Sometimes in vanilla relationships, shaving becomes a chore that’s done begrudgingly even though the other partner prefers it.  Making it a D/s ritual can make it more enjoyable.  I always make sure I’m freshly shaven for my Daddy, and I also get a Brazilian wax about every 3 weeks.  (As a masochist, I actually love getting it done.)

6. Punishments

You probably don’t think of punishments when you’re discussing rituals, but they can actually go together quite nicely.  When the sub misbehaves, the Dom can tell them to get whatever implement they choose (belt, flogger, crop, etc.). The sub has to go get it, kneel, and present it in their hands, with their palms facing up.  This can make the discipline more degrading, and as a result, more effective.

Can Doms have BDSM rituals too?

Yes and no.  Doms will do certain actions as a routine but they are never expected to do it, as they are allowed to do whatever they want.  An example is how my Daddy opens doors for me.  Before I get in the car or enter a building he will almost always open the door for me, and it makes me love and respect him as my Dom even more each time.  Other ideas are combing or braiding the sub’s hair at night, ordering for them at restaurants, and staying on the outside of their sub when they’re walking on the street.

When a D/s ritual isn’t working

It may be that after performing certain rituals they will have to be modified or eliminated.  Here’s an example that happened to us one time:

Every morning when Daddy was at work I had to let him decide my panties for the day.  I’d pick out three, lay them in a row, take a picture, and text it to him. This was fun at first and I did it for almost a month.  It ended up causing me a lot of stress though.  There were many mornings I would have to rush because it was taking up too much time.  I told my Dom, knowing full well he could say, “You’re doing it anyway.” But instead, he said he would think about it and let me know the next day. Thankfully he told me I could stop. He still makes choices on my panties from time to time, and will often tell me to wear none when I’m in a dress or skirt.

So if a ritual isn’t working in a D/s dynamic, a sub can always talk to their Dom about it respectively, or through a journal.

Click here to download your free journal with prompts

One of the best ways to make sure a ritual is remembered and carried out is to write it down.  Hopefully these examples have given you some ideas for creating your own BDSM rules and protocols.  Keep finding peace in your rituals. They benefit both the Dom and the sub and are essential for transformation, training, and discipline.  🖤

Now, let’s talk in the comments: What ideas do you have for BDSM rituals? What works and what doesn’t?

Keep reading: How to prevent bratty behavior>>

Total Power Exchange Relationships: Ultimate Guide

When I was a beginner submissive, I was eager to make my new BDSM lifestyle a 24/7 agreement.  My Dominant and I had a contract, but I wanted to be a full-time slave, unable to ever be released.  We read online about Total Power Exchange relationships and we knew this was our ultimate goal.  I can proudly say we are now TPE. It has brought so much more meaning to our roles as Dom and sub. But making the switch wasn’t easy.  This guide will help you to not make the same mistakes we did. You’ll also see some examples of how to make it work.

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What is the real meaning of Total Power Exchange?

On the outside, a Total Power Exchange relationship can look like abuse. Sadly, a lot of subs can confuse the two.  TPE is not abuse.  Simply put, it’s an exchange where all authority is passed from the submissive to the Dominant.  It’s a consensual relationship where the Dom has absolute control, and can exercise that control however they see fit.  If you are unsure whether or not your relationship is TPE or abuse, let your instincts be your guide.  The goal should be for both partners to feel more fulfilled and taken care of.  And no matter what anyone says, the sub always has the right to get out of an abusive relationship.

Who is a TPE agreement good for?

Even though Total Power Exchange might look abusive to vanillas, it can bring incredible meaning and happiness to a Dom/sub couple.  I don’t recommend entering a TPE relationship unless you’ve known the person for a very long time, and you 100%, completely trust them.  This goes for both the Dom and the sub.  The Dominant should already be showing they respect their sub, and uphold the “safe, sane, consensual” principles of BDSM.  And the submissive should be mentally stable, and not using TPE as an excuse to be made weak.  After all, the sub can still make some of their own decisions and choices, if the Dom allows them to.

Can online relationships be TPE?

Online relationships most definitely can be Total Power Exchange, but to a degree.  Even though the sub gives up all their power, it will be hard for the Dom to exercise complete control over their sub’s life from a distance.  In these kinds of relationships, TPE will be more of a mindset, and the Dom will have to be extra diligent in finding ways to incorporate it into their lives.

You can check out my guide for online and long-distance relationships here to give you some ideas.

Examples of Total Power Exchange

Although a Total Power Exchange relationship can be any form of Dom/sub, like DD/lg, Owner/pet, or Boss/secretary, it is most likely a Master/slave agreement.  Just like in real life a Master has complete and total control over a slave, so it also is in TPE.  Here are some examples of what it can look like in BDSM:

  • Controlling the slave’s finances and career
  • Choosing the slave’s clothing, diet, and other aspects of day to day life
  • Establishing and enforcing non-negotiable rules and protocols
  • Using the slave whenever and however sexually

(Feel free to share your favorite examples of TPE in the comments below.)

Do you still need a contract?

Since the meaning of Total Power Exchange is that nothing prohibits the Dom from having all control, a contract might seem contradictory.  I don’t think that’s completely the case though.  A contract can lay out the fact that the relationship is a TPE agreement, and list the expectations and requirements of the sub still.  However since there usually aren’t safewords or hard and soft limits in TPE, these probably won’t be covered in the contract.

You can read my guide on contracts here for more examples of what you can include.

Even though a Total Power Exchange can be the ultimate goal for those who practice BDSM, it should never be rushed into.  If you wish to enter this type of arrangement, make sure you fully understand first the true meaning of it, and what is involved.  I don’t regret for one second entering a TPE relationship with my Dom, and I hope it can be successful for you too.

What challenges have you faced with Total Power Exchange? Let me know in the comments.

Keep reading:  How to make it work as a ‘Switch’

BDSM Limits: Learn What’s Hard and Soft

Limits are a topic that is sure to come up in any Dom/sub relationship or contract negotiation. Even if you don’t have a BDSM partner yet, it’s good to have your boundaries clear in mind so you’ll be prepared when you’re ready to start playing. But what exactly is the difference between hard and soft limits? Here, we’ll define what limits can mean for you, and I’ll even give you some examples.

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Why have limits in BDSM?

Having limits while engaging in BDSM allows the submissive to explore their sensuality safely.  They never have to be afraid that their Dom is going to do something they don’t want, or will hurt them physically or mentally.  They can give up all control, and be free from making the decisions. Dominants benefit from set rules also because it takes the guess-work out of what their sub will and won’t do. Both individuals will be able to completely let go, and fully enjoy living the lifestyle.

There are two kinds of limits- soft vs hard:

Soft

These are things that the sub maybe interested in but is hesitant about exploring.  You cannot assume that just because someone has agreed to be a submissive that they are OK with everything. The boundaries of soft limits are flexible as the Dom sees fit and the submissive agrees to push and expand slowly.  However, once something has been decided upon (hopefully in a contract) it can be freely asked or demanded.  Get your free Dom/sub contract here.

Some examples are: oral sex, swallowing semen, nipple clamps, spanking, flogging, being blindfolded, butt plugs, gagging, wax play, and bondage with tape.

Another soft limit is the sub’s tolerance of receiving pain, which can be worked up slowly and with consent.  Light bruises might be acceptable and tolerable, but permanent scars or marks may not be. Always discuss what types of pain, punishments, and discipline are allowed, and the intensity and severity of each.

Hard

Both parties need to specify what they won’t do, and respect it.  Examples could be things like: choking, anal sex, electro play, fisting, needles, suspension bondage, whipping, caning, fire play, and blood/urine/feces. Doms can have boundaries too.  The point is, no one should be pressured to do something that they are uncomfortable with.

Limits can change over time, and some can be more fluid than others.  For example, a sub may only be comfortable with something like rimming on some occasions, but their Dom has to ask first.  And sometimes boundaries can soften in the presence of alcohol, but even so, the Dom should always make sure the sub really wants to and is giving their full consent.

Dom/sub requirement limits

Requirements are not always talked about online when discussing the subject of limits but they deserve to be mentioned. These would be things that a partner has to have. It could be, “I need you to pull my hair when we have sex in doggie style.”  Or, “If a punishment makes me cry, good aftercare is a must.”  Get your free aftercare checklist here.

Remember: Safewords can help establish limits too. If a couple is exploring something new like anal play, safewords can help guide the Dom as to what is acceptable and what is too far.  One of the roles of a good Dom is to push the boundaries of their sub a little, to see what they are and aren’t OK with.

What to do if limits aren’t respected

If boundaries aren’t respected it really depends on the situation and the individuals involved. Sometimes for a seemingly minor offense the Dom could be warned never to do that again. But for more major breaches of trust, submissive always has the power to terminate the relationship.  And it’s always a good idea to discuss beforehand the consequences of breaking a contract.

So as you can see, limits are for the benefit of everyone involved, and are in no way restrictive.  To make it easier for you, try creating a list, either by yourself or with your partner.  Ultimately this will bring more pleasure and trust to the relationship. 🖤

What are your feelings on limits? Share your hard and soft list below.

Read more about etiquette in the lifestyle »

BDSM Collars: The Only 2 Types You Need [Photos]

Seeing someone in a collar immediately gives you the impression that they are probably into a kinky lifestyle.  It may even mean they’re a submissive in a longterm, D/s relationship.  But collar etiquette can be confusing.  There are so many different types for different situations: consideration, sub training, posture, play, everyday wear, pet, protection, ownership, ceremony, and eternity, just to name a few.  And what about other discreet BDSM jewelry and necklaces? Let me help you end the intimidation, and make your collar choice a little easier.

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“Collar” meaning in a D/s relationship 

In BDSM, a collar is a symbol of being a submissive, or being owned.  There are no hard and fast rules in this though.  Many people in the kink community wear them just for fun, even if they’re not in a relationship.  But when a Dominant commits himself to a sub he will show this by collaring them. This is usually done in a Collaring Ceremony, and we’ll discuss that later in this article.

The 2 types every submissive needs:

One of the benefits of keeping the collar choices down to two or three is that the submissive becomes attached to it.  This is true both emotionally and physically.  It’s a lot like how pet dogs are more anxious when their collar is removed, and calmer when it is put back on.  Likewise, submissives feel secure and safe in their personal collar.

1.  Collars for play and sub training 

When you think of BDSM, you usually think of these types of collars.  They are sturdy, usually made of some kind of leather type product, and can be locked.  They will also have a d-ring/o-ring for the Dom to grab or attach a leash too.  The purpose for these collars is to train the submissive, and get them in the proper mindset for a scene.  Before a play session, my Dom will have me kneel and he’ll put it around my neck.  Other times, if I am being bratty or disobedient, he will put it on me extra tight so I remember my place as his submissive.  

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My play collar

2.  Discreet “Day Collars” for everyday wear

If you’re not comfortable wearing a Play Collar outside of the house, but still want to show you’re in a D/s relationship, then a discreet, submissive “Day Collar” is perfect.  This is a type of short or tight necklace, usually with an o-ring too.  It’s not as obvious to those that are vanilla, but you may get some curious or knowing looks.  I wear this type of collar everyday, and if I ever forget and leave the house without it then my Dom will punish me.  I’m very proud when I wear my collar, and it gives my life great meaning.

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My discreet day collar

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My dressier day one

The Collar Ceremony and beyond 

When a Dominant decides to make a lifelong commitment of owning their submissive they will symbolize this during a Collaring Ceremony.  Much like a wedding, the Dom and sub will usually say vows and witnesses might be present.  The Dom will then collar the sub, and they will be Master/slave for the rest of their lives.  While there may be traditional collars for this (just like diamond rings are typical for marriage), it’s really a personal choice and should be something you are comfortable with. There can be other rituals besides the ceremony, that are more simpler, such as

  • Having the sub kneel before a scene to receive their play collar
  • Having the sub bring the collar to the Dom as part of punishment
  • Putting a “day” one on before leaving the house

At this point, you may be wondering:

“Can’t I just wear a regular necklace or other type of jewelry?”

While I always want everyone to do what makes them happy and comfortable, collars are best for those in the BDSM lifestyle.  Many vanilla people wear necklaces or other types of jewelry all the time, so if you wore something similar there would be no distinction. There are other benefits to a collar too.  Collars sit close against the sub’s neck, so the Dom sees it every time he looks at his sub, reminding him of their D/s relationship.  A bracelet or ring will not have the same effect.  Also, a collar has a different meaning than other types of jewelry.  Dogs and other animals wear collars, because they are owned.  It is the same for the submissive.

I hope I made BDSM collars a little less complicated for you.  They are extremely beneficial to those in a D/s relationship, and also very sexy to wear.  Have fun finding the right type for you, and be proud of the privilege to collar someone or to be collared by someone.  🖤

All of my collars were bought by my Dom at Etsy, Luxurious Bliss, or from CaptiveLove Jewelry (use code DSLiving10 for 10% off your first order on any item at CaptiveLove).

What are you thoughts about collars? Let me know in the comments.

Keep reading:  Creating rituals and protocols >>

Ask Me Anything

A couple weeks ago I decided to do a Q and A, and I got a TON of questions.  There were a lot of really good ones and some original ones I’ve never been asked before. Thank you to everyone who submitted a question!  I hope you enjoy my answers.

Q.  What got you into BDSM?  Why did you want to live this lifestyle?

A.  In the beginning of our relationship, my husband and I had a lot of problems. We were struggling with communication, compatibility issues, and we both just wanted more.  I started looking into BDSM online out of curiosity and everything just clicked. I shared with my husband what I had been learning, and told him that I wanted this 24/7. He realized that he needed this too.  We figured out along the way what worked and what didn’t.  Our relationship became so amazing and we discovered together what it truly means to be Dominate and submissive.

Q.  I’m new to the whole D/s scene and my partner and I are really curious.  How do we get started?

A.  Congratulations on wanting to explore BDSM! A lot of couples start out in the bedroom and have fun experimenting with kink.  Focus on the basics in the beginning (safewords, limits, contracts, rituals, etc.), and try to learn as much as you can about the lifestyle.  As you start to take it out of the bedroom make sure you communicate a lot, and be sure that you really want this.  No one should feel pressured to engage in BDSM.

Q. Why did you start “Dom Sub Living”?

A.  There’s a few reasons actually.  My main goal was to educate people about BDSM.  I wanted to show what it’s really like to be 24/7, not just what’s portrayed in porn or movies.  Plus I really love writing!  Believe it or not, I had a beauty blog before I started “Dom Sub Living”, But constantly taking pictures of myself wearing different makeup and posting them online was becoming really boring.  I wanted to do something I was more passionate about.  Having my own platform now to talk about a lifestyle I love is so much more fun and extremely rewarding.

Q.  I want to live a BDSM lifestyle, but my partner’s not into it.  How can I get them on board?

A.  I have to say, this is the question I was asked the most.  I covered this topic a little bit it in Exactly What to Do When You Don’t Have a Partner, but I wanted to take the time to discuss some other things here.  First of all, communicate.  Talk respectfully and agree to not judge each other.  Make sure your partner knows why you want this, and what they will get out of it too.  Also be sure to start very slow.  And this may seem kind of funny, but try not to use the word “BDSM”.  Your partner probably has some negative, preconceived notions about it, and you don’t want to scare them away.

*If you want to get your partner more interested in the BDSM lifestyle, be sure to check out my new workshop.*

Q.  Why does your site always refer to the Dom as male and the sub as female?

A.  Let me assure you that I am not assuming that the Dom should be male and the sub female.  I know there are a lot of different dynamics and combinations in BDSM.  I would never want to exclude anyone!  It is just very hard as a writer to have a sentence make sense if I’m always saying “they”.  Sometimes I have to use the typical pronouns like “he” and “she”, or else it sounds very confusing.  But whether you’re a male or female, Dom or sub, the principles in my articles can still definitely work for you.

Q.  How can I get my partner to take the initiative more, and be more involved in their role?

A.  As always I say the biggest thing is to communicate.  It may be that your partner doesn’t realize they’ve been slipping, or that you’re wanting more from them.  But try not to always focus on what your partner is not doing.  Focus on what you need to be doing too.  Sometimes when you become more submissive (or dominant if you’re a Dom), your partner will naturally respond by becoming stronger in their role.

*If you want to help your partner be more dominant, submissive, or kinky, be sure to check out my new workshop.*

Q.  What are you most proud of that you’ve done in the past year?

A.  There are so many things but I narrowed it down to three:

#1:  My Dom and I have entered more of a TPE lifestyle (Total Power Exchange).  We tend to gravitate towards DD/lg, but we’ve built up enough trust between us to begin to forgo safewords and limits.  It’s brought a whole new intensity to our relationship and increased our connection.

#2:  I’ve been learning how to code!  When you run a website, there’s only so much you can do if you don’t know how to code.  I’ve really taken an interest in it this past year and I’m getting pretty comfortable with it.  It’s really like learning a new language, and I think coding is a skill everyone should have.

#3:  I launched “Dom Sub Training”!  I got a lot of emails from people who wanted an online training course from me, so I eventually created “Dom Sub Training” and it really took off.  The course is helping people get all the information they need to become a satisfied BDSM expert, and have a detailed plan to make it all happen.  I’m really proud of it.

Q.  If you could tell vanillas one thing about being in the BDSM community what would it be?

A.  I would tell people not to prejudge anyone, because there’s a lot of different degrees of BDSM, and a lot of different reasons why people do it.  And that the majority of us in the community live normal lives.  We work, go to school, have families, but we’ve found that BDSM just brings more fulfillment to our lives.  But the biggest thing I want to tell vanillas is:  Just try it a little! You may end up liking it.

I hope you enjoyed this “Ask Me Anything”!  If your question didn’t get answered I apologize. I tried to pick out the ones I haven’t answered on my site before.  There was also a lot of questions that I actually address in “Dom Sub Training”. (Like how to find a partner, how to play when you still have children, and transitioning to 24/7, just to name a few.)

I plan on doing another “Ask Me Anything” in the future so make sure you subscribe to my newsletter here.  (Also I answered some bonus questions that were just for my subscribers!)

Click here to sign up for the “Dom Sub Living” newsletter

Have a question for the next “Ask Me Anything?”  Share it in the comments below.

Everything You Need to Know About Being a Switch

When most people think of a BDSM relationship, they usually only think of the Dominant and submissive roles.  The truth is, there are many shades of gray on the kink spectrum. Lots of people enjoy being what’s called a “switch,” and switching from Dom or sub can be a lot of fun. But what exactly is a switch, and how do you do it right? Keep reading to find out.

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The definition and meaning of switch

The definition of a switch is someone who enjoys engaging in both Dominant and submissive roles, or both topping and bottoming.  But what does that mean exactly? Well, the answer is: it depends. Here are some aspects about switching:

  • Switching doesn’t always involve a sexual relationship.
  • You may be a Dom with one partner, but a sub with another.
  • You may enjoy switching, but prefer a specific role.
  • Some couples switch as a way of taking turns.
  • As your life changes, you may switch to fulfill an emotional need.

Some or all of these points may apply to you.  That doesn’t mean you have to label yourself a switch (unless you want to).  Choose the BDSM identity that makes you feel the most comfortable.

Can only a girl switch or can a guy switch too?

The porn industry has perpetuated the idea of one girl topping another girl, while the guy enjoys the show.  Many Doms have this fantasy, but society doesn’t accept it as easily when the roles are reversed.  A guy who is a switch, even if their partner is a girl, may be seen as weak or unmanly. However, gender doesn’t have to play a factor at all when someone decides to switch. It simply involves domination and submission, and both can be enjoyed whether you’re a girl or a guy.

You can switch even if you’re in a vanilla relationship

Switching isn’t just for those in the kink community.  A lot of vanilla couples switch roles in the bedroom either part-time or full-time.  It’s a great way to keep the relationship new and exciting.  Letting your vanilla partner be the more dominant one can help you see what they like and are into.  Taking turns in a vanilla relationship also lets both of you have all your needs fulfilled.  If you’re nervous about bringing up the idea of switching with your partner, you can say something like, “I think it’d be really hot if you took control tonight (or, if I took control tonight).” Just be sure to start slow, and have fun with it!

 

Switching can help you test out the Dom/sub roles

You may be in a Dom/sub relationship, but that doesn’t mean it has to be that way 100% of the time.  Switching can be a way to see what the other side has to offer, and who knows, you may like it more than you think.  I believe switching, even lightly, can help both partners appreciate each other more.  It’s like when a parent and child switch roles for the day.  I think switching can also be a way to see if there’s any aspects of the other side you like, and want to test out and explore in scenes and play sessions.

Kink ideas for the Dominant or submissive switch

There are lots of different ways to enjoy switching and bring more kink to your relationship. To get started, either the Dominant or submissive can just say, “I’d like to try something a little different tonight, how about…”. If you need some inspiration, here are some ideas:

  • Trying a different position during sex where the sub is on top and in control.
  • If the submissive is a girl, having her use a strap-on.
  • The Dom can let the sub try out flogging, paddling, or another punishment tool.
  • Instead of giving commands, say please and ask for permission, or vice versa.
  • Allow topping from the bottom, with the sub doing it more on purpose.
  • The sub can control the Dom’s orgasm by stopping the stimulation and taking a break.
  • The Dom can have to “earn” to be with the sub.
  • The sub can be more bossy and authoritative when they are receiving oral sex.

Important safety note:  If you do switch, make sure safewords are revisited.  If you’re not used to saying them or responding to them, then it’s good to practice.  Also make sure to go over limits, which may be different in your new role.

Whether you’re a Dom or sub, guy or girl, vanilla or into kink, switching can be a lot of fun.  And remember, it doesn’t have to always be sexual.  It can bring more fulfillment in your life, and more meaning to a relationship. You may find that in BDSM, “switch” is the best fit for you.  🖤

Keep reading:  What to do when you don’t have a partner »

Have you tried switching? What are some of the challenges you’ve faced?  Let me know in the comments.

Introducing a New eCourse for Kinksters: Dom Sub Training

Dom sub training BDSM ecourse online

If you subscribe to Dom Sub Living elsewhere, then you may have already heard about “Dom Sub Training”.  Either way, I wanted to formally introduce it to everyone here on the blog. I’m really excited about this!

Back when I was trying to decide what kind of eCourse to create, I sent out a survey to my email subscribers, asking them what they were having trouble with. More than anything, it seemed like my readers were struggling with wanting a mentor and coach they could trust, and finding a long-term partner they connected with. Meanwhile, my Dom and I were having an amazing relationship that kept getting better and better…and it was all thanks to BDSM.

So, when it came time to decide what kind of eCourse I’d create, I knew that a course about maximizing the power of BDSM is just what my readers needed.

But this isn’t just a course about BDSM. This step-by-step training is about how to start living the 24/7 lifestyle you always wanted RIGHT NOW.

I’ve figured out how to use BDSM to get more fulfillment in my life without all the drama. Actually, using the strategies that I’ve put into this course, my Dom and I are able to stop wasting time struggling with the challenges of a 24/7 relationship. Instead, we enjoy effortless communication and a mind-blowing sex life.

“Dom Sub Training” isn’t just about having a lot of kinky sex though.  It’s about getting all the information you need to become a satisfied BDSM expert, and having a detailed plan to make it all happen.

You can check out everything that’s in the course (including all of the bonuses!) right here.

The Ultimate Guide to Being a Submissive

Submissive girl collar sub woman

Serving a Dominant is a very fulfilling lifestyle.  However, many submissive beginners are lost.  They don’t know what the BDSM role entails.  Many times they are just looking for someone to fix them, to make them feel complete.  But being a sub is a lot of work.  Physically, mentally, and sexually.  How can you successfully meet the challenge?  Let’s consider what it truly means to be a good sub.

I have a FREE cheatsheet for you to help put these ideas into practice! Click the button below to get it right now.

What a submissive isn’t

First and foremost, a sub is not a doormat.  They have feelings and needs and so they shouldn’t serve apathetically or reluctantly.  A real Dom wouldn’t want a doormat anyway.  They want someone who truly desires to be owned.

Being a sub also isn’t consenting to being abused.  Unlike BDSM, abuse has no limits or safewords.  If you are a sub, be very careful not to give your submission to just anyone.  True submission has to be earned first.  There are many bad Doms out there, and even predators pretending to be Doms.

What is a sub?

The definition of a submissive is an obedient, compliant person who likes to give up control.  They crave being used and need to serve.  They are the subservient partner of a relationship and that is why “sub” is always spelled with a lowercase while “Dom” is always capital.  A submissive can take on many different roles such as:

They strive to please their Dom in all things, not just sexually.  This means that they may have to give up some of their own personal freedoms and preferences.

It is not uncommon for a sub to have a mild and quiet personality. They are obedient, and accept discipline when needed.  Subs aim to conduct themselves  in a respectful and modest manner at all times, recognizing that their behavior is a direct reflection on their Dom.

Challenges to being submissive

Subs are not perfect; they will mess up from time to time.  There’s also the fact that in a 24/7 relationship there are stressors like full-time jobs and children.  It can be hard to work on behavior modification and serving someone else when you are tired and pressed for time.

Also a test to many is being obedient even when not in the presence of their Dom.

One challenge I have had to overcome as a submissive is topping from the bottom.  In the beginning I would rebel a little, or try to subtly undermine my Dom’s decisions.  I’ve learned that instead the best and simplest response I can give is, “Yes, Daddy.”  In the end it makes both of our lives so much easier.

How to be more submissive

A sub should always remember that they should be making their Dom’s life easier, not harder.  Proactively thinking what the Dom  needs in any given moment, and fulfilling it will bring him great pleasure.

One of the greatest ways a sub can do this is sexually of course, and so submitting to any requested act within one’s contract is a must.  They should also try to obey rules to the best of their ability, but if discipline is necessary they should take it willingly.

Wearing a collar, even a discreet one in public, can help keep a sub in the slave mindset.  They are property owned by someone else, and as such they are a representation of their Dom.  This will cause a sub to take great pride in the health and presentation of their bodies.  Ways they can do this are:

  • Getting sufficient sleep
  • Exercising regularly
  • Eating a healthy diet
  • Dressing properly
  • Having good hygiene and grooming

True submission is not just a role, it is a way of life.  Being a submissive means they are held to a higher standard, but it is all worth it.  They will receive the ultimate gift of a Dom’s complete approval.  ♥

What challenges have you or your partner faced with being a sub? Let me know in the comments.

Keep reading:  The Ultimate Guide to Being a Dominant »

The Ultimate Guide to Being a Dominant

In the BDSM world, “Dominant” is a word that’s thrown around a lot.  Being a Dom can seem very appealing.  Most are men who want to be more dominant sexually in bed, but also in their relationships, and even in life in general.  Unfortunately, there are a lot of fake Doms out there.  How can you make sure you’re not acting like one?  Or if you’re a submissive, what should you look for in a Dom?  Let’s consider what it truly means to be a real Dom.

Sexually dominant dom man

What a Dominant isn’t

To start, let’s focus on some of the warning signs of a bad or fake dom.  If they focus more on what they are getting than what they are giving that is a huge clue.  Of course the nature of a Dom can be somewhat selfish but they should always make sure that the sub is satisfied not just sexually, but emotionally and physically too.  Many new Doms latch onto the idea of getting sucked whenever they want, even in the beginning of new relationships.  But just like any relationship, trust needs to be earned.  A fake dom may say things like, “You’re not really a sub,” or, “A good sub would do XYZ.”  If you’re a sub, don’t fall for it.  And if you’re a Dom, don’t say things like that unless the sub consents to being talked to that way.  Real emotional harm can be done.

What is a Dom?

The definition of a Dominant is an important, powerful person who likes to be in charge.  They crave obedience and need to be in control.  They tend to be the “Alpha Male,” and that is why “Dom” is always spelled with a capital while “sub” is always lowercase.  A Dominant can take on many different roles such as:

They strive to exercise control in all things, not just over their sub sexually.  This means that they have order in their own personal lives.  It is not uncommon for a Dom to have an obsessive-compulsive personality. They take great pride in the health of their bodies, their homes, vehicles, and jobs, knowing these all reflect on them. The Dom takes responsibility for the wellbeing and the proper training, guidance, and discipline of their sub.  The Dom also maintains a stable and safe environment in which their sub may perform their duties in service of the Dom.

Challenges to being Dominant

Doms are not perfect; they will mess up from time to time.  They can still apologize without appearing weak by just admitting what they did wrong and what they will do to fix it.  Doms shouldn’t lose their temper.  They can get mad and angry but they should always strive to be in control.  Another challenge a Dom may face is going against society’s rules of being kind and gentle towards women.  They’re supposed to be the “nice guy.”  Many men find it hard to be assertive in bed because of this.  They may feel guilty always taking, but a Dom needs to remember that subs want and need to be used sexually.  That doesn’t mean that a Dom can’t be giving in bed, but just being more assertive in that part of the relationship will help them fulfill their role.  Ways a Dom can do this are:

  • Holding their sub down during sex
  • Tying up their sub in bed so they are restrained
  • Telling their sub what to do sexually instead of asking
  • Delaying their sub’s orgasm to show they are in control of it

One challenge my Daddy said he had to overcome was being afraid he was being too strict and hard on me with punishments.  To be honest I don’t think he’s ever gone too far.  I know that if I ever did feel that way that is what safewords and my journal are for.  If anything, I think I get off too easily sometimes.

How to be more Dominant

A Dom’s body language and speech need to be powerful and in control. They should also look the part.  They don’t have to be a Christian Grey, but they should be fit, have good hygiene, be well dressed, and not sloppy. Doms should have good posture and stand tall, being above the sub, often making them sit below them or kneel.  A Dom should also talk confidently and be direct.  They wouldn’t ask, “Where would you like to go to dinner?”  They would say, “I’m taking you out to dinner.  Pick a place.”  One of my favorite things my Daddy does is tell me to make him coffee.  When we were vanilla he would ask me, “Do you think you can make me coffee please?”  Now he just tells me to do it and it always puts a smile on my face to perform this simple task for him.

How does a Dom train a sub?

Training a sub is a lot of work and not to be taken lightly.  It is a very rewarding process though. When a Dom trains a sub they are molding them to be a better version of themselves.  Behavior modification is achieved through maintaining structure and order.  Subs thrive on a set routine and rules and protocols can help a Dom provide that.  The sub should keep a journal so the Dom can get inside their head.  Punishments are usually necessary to help guide and correct them.  It takes constant effort, but It is a beautiful thing when the sub becomes exactly what the Dom desires.

True Dominance is not just a role, it is a way of life.  Being a Dominant means they are held to a higher standard, but it is all worth it.  They will receive the ultimate gift of a sub’s willing submission.  ♥

What challenges have you or your partner faced with being a Dom? Let me know in the comments.

Keep Reading:  The Ultimate Guide to Being a Submissive »

Brazilian Wax Tips for Daddy’s Little Girl

One of the best ways to get that “Little Girl” look and feel is to get a Brazilian wax.  In the past I would shave pretty regularly but it wasn’t fun.  It would get irritated and only last about two days.  On a whim I decided to get a Brazilian for a vacation and I was hooked.  My Daddy and I hadn’t entered our BDSM relationship yet so I would only do it when I wanted to, and I would leave a little triangle. But after we became Dom/sub he would have me get it regularly waxed and even told me to get it completely done. I was a little scared with taking off the last bit of hair I had left, but it is so much easier and looks and feels amazing.

BRAZILIAN BIKINI WAX

European Wax Center is my go to place to get completely bare ever since it has become standard protocol. Maybe you’ve never had a Brazilian wax, or even a bikini wax for that matter, and you don’t know what to expect. But I’m here to guide you through it so you can become a Brazilian pro.

Scroll down for 12 tips and tricks to keep you smooth for a long time.

European Wax Center Brazilian Review:

EWC is a great place to have a Brazilian Wax. It’s never fun, but at least here they do it quick and relatively painless. They use “hard” wax as opposed to strips. The wax will cool and harden and will be ripped off.  I’m not going to lie, the only way it can be described is to imagine ripping duct tape off that area. Surprisingly though you get used to it, and the more frequently you get waxed the less it hurts

For me the most painful part is the lips. The least painful part: the butt, which they will do with you holding your knees and spreading your feet apart. Most Brazilian virgins fear the butt. However, for me it’s always such a relief when my waxer finally tells me to put my legs up.

She may go in with tweezers and get the stray hairs, you may have to do this later at home too (Usually my Daddy likes to do it for me). She’ll then rub a calming lotion over everything and tell you you’re done. Always take a look at the area before you get off the table, and even check in their full length mirror on the wall. Never hesitate to ask them to wax areas they missed, or straighten up the triangle or strip. You payed good money and you did not go through all that pain to not have it completely perfect.

How Long It Lasts:

For me I usually go every three weeks. But that doesn’t mean you are bald for three weeks. I could go swimming in public comfortably for probably only the first two weeks, which is better than the usual two days I’d get with shaving. When it grows back in a little you’ll look like you’re beginning to hit puberty again and the hair will be so soft and light.  My Daddy loves it, and it turns him on to know I’m getting hot wax rubbed onto my intimate areas and forcibly ripped off.

If you’ve never done it try it at least once because I’m sure you’ll love it.  If it’s not for you it can always become a hard limit.  You will notice EVERYTHING feels different after your wax though: peeing, showering, sex… you will feel like a slip-n-slide! I orgasm a lot faster and have more frequent and easier multiples too.  Even if you don’t have a partner yet, I’m sure you’ll still really love it.

Brazilian Wax Tips and Tricks

Before:

  • Even if you go to EWC, check “Yelp” to find the name of a good waxer.
  • If you’re getting waxed for vacation, two days before is good so any redness will be gone.
  • Schedule your wax between 3-5 PM. Research shows your pain tolerance is better in the afternoon.  (This is good to know for BDSM punishments too.)
  • The morning of your wax, shower, and lightly scrub the area with a product like St. Ives Apricot Scrub.
St. Ives Apricot Scrub
St. Ives Apricot Scrub
  • 45 minutes before your appointment, take two Advil.
  • Wear comfortable clothes and underwear.

During:

  • Breathe, talk if it helps, ask the waxer to stop if the wax is too hot or if you need to take a break.
  • Before you get off the table/put your clothes on, check the area to see if they missed anything.

After:

  • At home, pluck any strays with tweezers (this is a good job for the Dom).
Tweezerman Slant Tweezers
Tweezerman Slant Tweezers
  • Immediately apply a salicylic acid lotion.  I love Paula’s Choice BHA Body Lotion.  Apply it once a day for the next two days.
Paula's Choice RESIST Weightless Body Treatment 2% BHA
Paula’s Choice RESIST Weightless Body Treatment 2% BHA
  • The next day shower and shave the parts they didn’t wax: lower stomach, thighs. Again, Paula’s Choice makes a great shave cream.
Paula's Choice PC4MEN Shave Cream
Paula’s Choice PC4MEN Shave Cream
  • 24-48 hours after the wax: no exercising, hot tubs, or sex.  After that, enjoy and schedule your next wax!  🖤
What are your thoughts on the Brazilian Wax? Do you have any tips not listed here?  Let us know in the comments.

Read more about the DaddyDom/Little Girl role »

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