A couple weeks ago I decided to do a Q and A, and I got a TON of questions. There were a lot of really good ones and some original ones I’ve never been asked before. Thank you to everyone who submitted a question! I hope you enjoy my answers.
Q. What got you into BDSM? Why did you want to live this lifestyle?
A. In the beginning of our relationship, my husband and I had a lot of problems. We were struggling with communication, compatibility issues, and we both just wanted more. I started looking into BDSM online out of curiosity and everything just clicked. I shared with my husband what I had been learning, and told him that I wanted this 24/7.
He realized that he needed this too. We figured out along the way what worked and what didn’t. Our relationship became so amazing and we discovered together what it truly means to be Dominate and submissive.
Q. I’m new to the whole D/s scene and my partner and I are really curious. How do we get started?
A. Congratulations on wanting to explore BDSM! A lot of couples start out in the bedroom and have fun experimenting with kink. Focus on the basics in the beginning (safewords, limits, contracts, rituals, etc.), and try to learn as much as you can about the lifestyle. As you start to take it out of the bedroom make sure you communicate a lot, and be sure that you really want this. No one should feel pressured to engage in BDSM.
Q. Why did you start “Dom Sub Living”?
A. There’s a few reasons actually. My main goal was to educate people about BDSM. I wanted to show what it’s really like to be 24/7, not just what’s portrayed in porn or movies. Plus I really love writing! Believe it or not, I had a beauty blog before I started “Dom Sub Living”, but constantly taking pictures of myself wearing different makeup and posting them online was becoming really boring.
I wanted to do something I was more passionate about. Having my own platform now to talk about a lifestyle I love is so much more fun and extremely rewarding.
Q. I want to live a BDSM lifestyle, but my partner’s not into it. How can I get them on board?
A. I have to say, this is the question I was asked the most. I covered this topic a little bit it in Exactly What to Do When You Don’t Have a Partner, but I wanted to take the time to discuss some other things here. First of all, communicate. Talk respectfully and agree to not judge each other. Make sure your partner knows why you want this, and what they will get out of it too.
Also, be sure to start very slow. And this may seem kind of funny, but try not to use the word “BDSM”. Your partner probably has some negative, preconceived notions about it, and you don’t want to scare them away.
*If you want to get your partner more interested in the BDSM lifestyle, be sure to check out my new workshop.*
Q. Do you always refer to the Dom as male and the sub as female?
A. Let me assure you that I do not assume that the Dominant should be male and the submissive should be female. There are a lot of different dynamics and combinations in BDSM relationships. I would never want to exclude anyone!
As a writer and instructor I strive to forgo the typical pronouns like “he” and “she”, and instead do my best to use “they”. So whether you’re a male or female, Dominant or submissive, the principles in my articles and trainings will still definitely work for you.
Q. How can I get my partner to take the initiative more, and be more involved in their role?
A. As always I say the biggest thing is to communicate. It may be that your partner doesn’t realize they’ve been slipping, or that you’re wanting more from them. But try not to always focus on what your partner is not doing. Focus on what you need to be doing too. Sometimes when you become more submissive (or dominant if you’re a Dom), your partner will naturally respond by becoming stronger in their role.
*If you want to help your partner be more dominant, submissive, or kinky, be sure to check out my new workshop.*
Q. What are you most proud of that you’ve done in the past year?
A. There are so many things but I narrowed it down to three:
#1: My Dom and I have entered more of a TPE lifestyle (Total Power Exchange). We tend to gravitate towards DD/lg, but we’ve built up enough trust between us to begin to forgo safewords and limits. It’s brought a whole new intensity to our relationship and increased our connection.
#2: I’ve been learning how to code! When you run a website, there’s only so much you can do if you don’t know how to code. I’ve really taken an interest in it this past year and I’m getting pretty comfortable with it. It’s really like learning a new language, and I think coding is a skill everyone should have.
#3: I launched “Dom Sub Training”! I got a lot of emails from people who wanted an online training course from me, so I eventually created “Dom Sub Training” and it really took off. The course is helping people get all the information they need to become a satisfied BDSM expert, and have a detailed plan to make it all happen. I’m really proud of it.
Q. If you could tell vanillas one thing about being in the BDSM community what would it be?
A. I would tell people not to prejudge anyone, because there’s a lot of different degrees of BDSM, and a lot of different reasons why people do it. And that the majority of us in the community live normal lives. We work, go to school, have families, but we’ve found that BDSM just brings more fulfillment to our lives. But the biggest thing I want to tell vanillas is: Just try it a little! You may end up liking it.
I hope you enjoyed this “Ask Me Anything”! If your question didn’t get answered I apologize. I tried to pick out the ones I haven’t answered on my site before. There was also a lot of questions that I actually address in “Dom Sub Training”. (Like how to find a partner, how to play when you still have children, and transitioning to 24/7, just to name a few.)
I plan on doing another “Ask Me Anything” in the future so make sure you subscribe to my newsletter here. (Also I answered some bonus questions that were just for my subscribers!)