Ask me anything

Ask Me Anything

A couple weeks ago I decided to do a Q and A, and I got a TON of questions.  There were a lot of really good ones and some original ones I’ve never been asked before. Thank you to everyone who submitted a question!  I hope you enjoy my answers.

Q.  What got you into BDSM?  Why did you want to live this lifestyle?

A.  In the beginning of our relationship, my husband and I had a lot of problems. We were struggling with communication, compatibility issues, and we both just wanted more.  I started looking into BDSM online out of curiosity and everything just clicked. I shared with my husband what I had been learning, and told him that I wanted this 24/7. He realized that he needed this too.  We figured out along the way what worked and what didn’t.  Our relationship became so amazing and we discovered together what it truly means to be Dominate and submissive.

Q.  I’m new to the whole D/s scene and my partner and I are really curious.  How do we get started?

A.  Congratulations on wanting to explore BDSM! A lot of couples start out in the bedroom and have fun experimenting with kink.  Focus on the basics in the beginning (safewords, limits, contracts, rituals, etc.), and try to learn as much as you can about the lifestyle.  As you start to take it out of the bedroom make sure you communicate a lot, and be sure that you really want this.  No one should feel pressured to engage in BDSM.

Q. Why did you start “Dom Sub Living”?

A.  There’s a few reasons actually.  My main goal was to educate people about BDSM.  I wanted to show what it’s really like to be 24/7, not just what’s portrayed in porn or movies.  Plus I really love writing!  Believe it or not, I had a beauty blog before I started “Dom Sub Living”, But constantly taking pictures of myself wearing different makeup and posting them online was becoming really boring.  I wanted to do something I was more passionate about.  Having my own platform now to talk about a lifestyle I love is so much more fun and extremely rewarding.

Q.  I want to live a BDSM lifestyle, but my partner’s not into it.  How can I get them on board?

A.  I have to say, this is the question I was asked the most.  I covered this topic a little bit it in Exactly What to Do When You Don’t Have a Partner, but I wanted to take the time to discuss some other things here.  First of all, communicate.  Talk respectfully and agree to not judge each other.  Make sure your partner knows why you want this, and what they will get out of it too.  Also be sure to start very slow.  And this may seem kind of funny, but try not to use the word “BDSM”.  Your partner probably has some negative, preconceived notions about it, and you don’t want to scare them away.

*If you want to get your partner more interested in the BDSM lifestyle, be sure to check out my new workshop.*

Q.  Why does your site always refer to the Dom as male and the sub as female?

A.  Let me assure you that I am not assuming that the Dom should be male and the sub female.  I know there are a lot of different dynamics and combinations in BDSM.  I would never want to exclude anyone!  It is just very hard as a writer to have a sentence make sense if I’m always saying “they”.  Sometimes I have to use the typical pronouns like “he” and “she”, or else it sounds very confusing.  But whether you’re a male or female, Dom or sub, the principles in my articles can still definitely work for you.

Q.  How can I get my partner to take the initiative more, and be more involved in their role?

A.  As always I say the biggest thing is to communicate.  It may be that your partner doesn’t realize they’ve been slipping, or that you’re wanting more from them.  But try not to always focus on what your partner is not doing.  Focus on what you need to be doing too.  Sometimes when you become more submissive (or dominant if you’re a Dom), your partner will naturally respond by becoming stronger in their role.

*If you want to help your partner be more dominant, submissive, or kinky, be sure to check out my new workshop.*

Q.  What are you most proud of that you’ve done in the past year?

A.  There are so many things but I narrowed it down to three:

#1:  My Dom and I have entered more of a TPE lifestyle (Total Power Exchange).  We tend to gravitate towards DD/lg, but we’ve built up enough trust between us to begin to forgo safewords and limits.  It’s brought a whole new intensity to our relationship and increased our connection.

#2:  I’ve been learning how to code!  When you run a website, there’s only so much you can do if you don’t know how to code.  I’ve really taken an interest in it this past year and I’m getting pretty comfortable with it.  It’s really like learning a new language, and I think coding is a skill everyone should have.

#3:  I launched “Dom Sub Training”!  I got a lot of emails from people who wanted an online training course from me, so I eventually created “Dom Sub Training” and it really took off.  The course is helping people get all the information they need to become a satisfied BDSM expert, and have a detailed plan to make it all happen.  I’m really proud of it.

Q.  If you could tell vanillas one thing about being in the BDSM community what would it be?

A.  I would tell people not to prejudge anyone, because there’s a lot of different degrees of BDSM, and a lot of different reasons why people do it.  And that the majority of us in the community live normal lives.  We work, go to school, have families, but we’ve found that BDSM just brings more fulfillment to our lives.  But the biggest thing I want to tell vanillas is:  Just try it a little! You may end up liking it.

I hope you enjoyed this “Ask Me Anything”!  If your question didn’t get answered I apologize. I tried to pick out the ones I haven’t answered on my site before.  There was also a lot of questions that I actually address in “Dom Sub Training”. (Like how to find a partner, how to play when you still have children, and transitioning to 24/7, just to name a few.)

I plan on doing another “Ask Me Anything” in the future so make sure you subscribe to my newsletter here.  (Also I answered some bonus questions that were just for my subscribers!)

Click here to sign up for the “Dom Sub Living” newsletter

Have a question for the next “Ask Me Anything?”  Share it in the comments below.

18 thoughts on “Ask Me Anything”

  1. My wife and i am sort of new to this type of lifestyle. I am the Dom and she is the sub. She is adjusting well accept for the fact that she has no one to talk to that wouldn’t judge her based on this lifestyle. I was wondering if you could suggest a chat room or other social site that she can talk with other subs that WILL NOT tell her how to be a sub.

    1. Hi. My wife and I are the same. We’ve been doing this for a while now and decided to take it to the next level. We don’t have anyone to talk to either, so we just kind of wander the internet wasteland looking for ideas/advice.

  2. I had a question dose it make me a “fake” or “not legit” if I call my friend master and he calls me cat slave and we don’t do sexual things cause i love the idea of being a bottom and being dominated dose that make me fake if we don’t do sexual things plus were not in a relationship and I’m not the required age to actually do sexual of bdsm things

  3. I am having a similar issue in my area. I am having a lot of diffculty trying to find munches and the BDSM community in my area. I have joined a couple BDSM sites and fetlife…posted on these but most of the talks and comments are 6 months to 7 years ago.
    Would anyone have any suggestions of how I can find the information? It’s really frustrating being new I to this as a Dom and not being able to connect with the local community. I just want folks to get familiar with me so that I’m not tagged as a fake or anything and that I am sincere in the fact i want to be involved in the lifestyle.

  4. My Master (husband) and I the sub have recently tried a play collar and I have found it very restricting to the point I feel suffocated. Any tips that may help on finding the right collar?

  5. We are new to this lifestyle as well and would benefit from having a discreet online community. We are completely monogamous but would likely benefit from being able to talk about and share experiences and ideas with like-minded professionals.

  6. I’m currently in a mentor/ trainer relationship with a Dom, I refer to him as my Master and I am in all sense of the word his sub. We don’t have a contract as our relationship developed from what was initially a group of mentors. I am not however interested in pursuing or continuing a D/s relationship with him outside of my training, how do I go about communicating this with him? Or when the time comes how do I ask to be released?

  7. How do i practice BDSM eventhough i have a lot of childhood trauma and without reliving the trauma’s again?

  8. My question

    My little girl is submissive, and I like the idea of being Dominant and want to learn how to be the best Dom I can be. I don’t really know yet if my little girl is a sub in life as well as in the bedroom, but I do know she doesn’t like making choices and wants me to make plans for us.

    I am the kind of guy who is always kind and nice to everyone. And I feel like I am not being a great Dom because I don’t know how to “flip the switch” so to speak. I would like to know how I can be more Dominant in the bedroom. I know my little girl likes pain and not knowing what is coming and being bound or restrained. And we have been experimenting with different types of bondage and so on, but I want to be more dominant over her and I think she wants this too. How do I do this? Is there something I can implement that will help me be more Dominant? When I am being Dominant should I keep clothed and focus on her pain and pleasure, while setting my own physical pleasure aside? I need some advice and such.

    1. If a gal you met online and she says she is a submissive looking for her master/dom/daddy of whatever the case maybe, is the submissive allowed to ask the dom to pay the subs Bill’s before the 2 of you start anything???? How do can you tell if the submissive is fake and just wants your money???
      A very discouraged maledom

      1. I dont know about anyone else, but to me, this stinks of gold digging. I’ve come across a few of these so called “ subs looking for Daddy”. They always seem to have the same story.
        I suppose this is the female version of the “dick pic” Follow your gut feeling If it stinks, it’s probably rotten. Be careful buddy.

  9. I agree with what you said thank you for the advise and I’ll keep that in mind while I look for my submissive/little/slave…. maybe all in one and maybe not I’ll know when I find her or she finds me right. Moochie ????

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