Whether you’re a Dom without a sub, or a sub without a Dom, having no partner can be a hard situation to deal with. And starting an online BDSM relationship when you’re single can be very scary. Want to know how to find a Dominant or submissive, or maybe you have a partner already but you wish they were kinkier? Here’s your surefire plan to start taking action, and soon you’ll begin enjoying the lifestyle you always wanted.
Know you’re not alone if you don’t have a partner
A recent Dom Sub Living online survey found that 33% of readers are not currently playing but would like to. That’s a lot. So don’t feel bad if you’re new and haven’t started enjoying a BDSM lifestyle yet. There’s actually lots of reasons why someone may be without a BDSM partner or otherwise feel lonely:
- Just starting out and haven’t met the right person yet
- Being in-between relationships
- Choosing to take a break
- Being in a vanilla relationship where your partner isn’t into BDSM
- Being in a Dom/sub relationship but feeling like your partner isn’t living up to their role
The solution to all of these situations is the same: Don’t give up! Don’t think you’ll always be single or never have the lifestyle you want. Instead of worrying and stressing about how things seem to be, take action and make a plan.
**If you’re ready now to find a genuine BDSM partner, then I explain exactly how to do this in my online training, 4 Steps to Finally Find Your Perfect Partner.**
Review past relationships
While you’re single, now’s a good time to look back at past relationships and figure out what worked and what didn’t. Whether they were vanilla, kinky, online, or offline, assessing past relationships can help you to not repeat the same mistakes twice. A good place to start is by journaling the answers to these questions:
- What didn’t I get in those relationships that I needed?
- What role did I play in the ending of the relationships?
- What did I like about my past partners?
- What didn’t I like about my past partners?
- What did I do right in those relationships?
- What can I do differently in my next relationship?
- Would I want myself as a partner, and why?
- What do I want for myself that doesn’t involve having a partner?
These questions may be tough but it’s necessary for your growth to take the time to journal and be honest. So reflect on your answers, make the changes, and give yourself time to heal.
Make a wish list to help you find a BDSM partner
Now that you’ve worked out the issues of your past, it’s time to start looking to the future. Make a list of all the qualities you want in your prospective partner. This will act as a type of agreement with yourself, so you can keep your senses and say ‘no’ when your heart and hormones may convince you to settle. Things to put in your list might be:
- Age range
- How long they’ve been in the BDSM Lifestyle
- View towards a polyamorous relationship
- Their feelings about pain play, punishments, and training
- Physical attributes
- What they’re willing to do sexually
- Are long-distance or online relationships OK?
- Personality qualities
- Any “deal-breakers”
You could even make a list of questions to ask your new perspective Dom or sub partner. Above all, stand firm for your needs and values, and don’t accept anything less. Be willing to say no to someone who doesn’t meet your standards. You deserve it.
Keep yourself prepared while you’re single
This is the perfect time to get yourself ready for your future partner. What does this mean? First of all, make sure you already have the basics out of the way. Write up a contract between you and your perspective partner. Make sure you know your limits before you enter a relationship, even a short-term one.
I believe a true Dominant or submissive is who they are at all times, even when they have no partner, a vanilla partner, or a BDSM partner who isn’t fulfilling their role. So work on improving yourself now. You can read more about the two roles here:
Remember, right now you are your future partner’s Dom or sub.
When you’re ready to find a Dominant or submissive
Only after you’ve given yourself time and have considered everything above should you begin to think of getting a new partner. I know it can be a real struggle to find a legitimate Dom or sub. That’s why in Lesson 3 of my training course I share the exact process in detail to find a genuine, long-term partner. It’s worked for hundreds of members.
Being without a partner, or having a partner who’s not giving you what you need out of BDSM, can be a frustrating situation. So use this as an opportunity for self-reflection and a chance to better yourself. Focus on doing what you can, and the time will pass much more quickly. I have confidence that if you do these things, soon you will attract the type of partner that you deserve. 🖤