Whether you’re a Dom without a sub, or a sub without a Dom, having no partner can be a hard situation to deal with. And starting an online BDSM relationship when you’re single can be very scary. Want to know how to find a Dominant or submissive, or maybe you have a partner already but you wish they were kinkier? Here’s your surefire plan to start taking action, and soon you’ll begin enjoying the lifestyle you always wanted.
Know you’re not alone if you don’t have a partner
A recent Dom Sub Living online survey found that 33% of readers are not currently playing but would like to. That’s a lot. So don’t feel bad if you’re new and haven’t started enjoying a BDSM lifestyle yet. There’s actually lots of reasons why someone may be without a BDSM partner or otherwise feel lonely:
- Just starting out and haven’t met the right person yet
- Being in-between relationships
- Choosing to take a break
- Being in a vanilla relationship where your partner isn’t into BDSM
- Being in a Dom/sub relationship but feeling like your partner isn’t living up to their role
The solution to all of these situations is the same: Don’t give up! Don’t think you’ll always be single or never have the lifestyle you want. Instead of worrying and stressing about how things seem to be, take action and make a plan.
**If you’re ready now to find a genuine BDSM partner, then I explain exactly how to do this in my online training, 4 Steps to Finally Find Your Perfect Partner.**
Review past relationships
While you’re single, now’s a good time to look back at past relationships and figure out what worked and what didn’t. Whether they were vanilla, kinky, online, or offline, assessing past relationships can help you to not repeat the same mistakes twice. A good place to start is by journaling the answers to these questions:
- What didn’t I get in those relationships that I needed?
- What role did I play in the ending of the relationships?
- What did I like about my past partners?
- What didn’t I like about my past partners?
- What did I do right in those relationships?
- What can I do differently in my next relationship?
- Would I want myself as a partner, and why?
- What do I want for myself that doesn’t involve having a partner?
These questions may be tough but it’s necessary for your growth to take the time to journal and be honest. So reflect on your answers, make the changes, and give yourself time to heal.
Make a wish list to help you find a BDSM partner
Now that you’ve worked out the issues of your past, it’s time to start looking to the future. Make a list of all the qualities you want in your prospective partner. This will act as a type of agreement with yourself, so you can keep your senses and say ‘no’ when your heart and hormones may convince you to settle. Things to put in your list might be:
- Age range
- How long they’ve been in the BDSM Lifestyle
- View towards a polyamorous relationship
- Their feelings about pain play, punishments, and training
- Physical attributes
- What they’re willing to do sexually
- Are long-distance or online relationships OK?
- Personality qualities
- Any “deal-breakers”
You could even make a list of questions to ask your new perspective Dom or sub partner. Above all, stand firm for your needs and values, and don’t accept anything less. Be willing to say no to someone who doesn’t meet your standards. You deserve it.
Keep yourself prepared while you’re single
This is the perfect time to get yourself ready for your future partner. What does this mean? First of all, make sure you already have the basics out of the way. Write up a contract between you and your perspective partner. Make sure you know your limits before you enter a relationship, even a short-term one.
I believe a true Dominant or submissive is who they are at all times, even when they have no partner, a vanilla partner, or a BDSM partner who isn’t fulfilling their role. So work on improving yourself now. You can read more about the two roles here:
The Ultimate Guide to Being a Dominant »
The Ultimate Guide to Being a Submissive »
Remember, right now you are your future partner’s Dom or sub.
When you’re ready to find a Dominant or submissive
Only after you’ve given yourself time and have considered everything above should you begin to think of getting a new partner. I know it can be a real struggle to find a legitimate Dom or sub. That’s why in Lesson 3 of my training course I share the exact process in detail to find a genuine, long-term partner. It’s worked for hundreds of members.
Being without a partner, or having a partner who’s not giving you what you need out of BDSM, can be a frustrating situation. So use this as an opportunity for self-reflection and a chance to better yourself. Focus on doing what you can, and the time will pass much more quickly. I have confidence that if you do these things, soon you will attract the type of partner that you deserve. 🖤
Does anyone have any experience with Dom/sub relationships based primarily through email or other correspondence/long distance relationship? Finding a sub is difficult in a small town.
Dom Sub Living says
Finding the right person to practice with when you’re in a small town can be challenging, but you’re not alone! A long distance relationship is definitely an option. I share that way and other tips in detail for finding a sub in Lesson 3 of Dom Sub Training.
And make sure you’re also focusing on what to do now, while you don’t have a partner. I wish you the best!
Gregory Storey says
Yes, finding a genuine Mistress is hard, especially without a computer and not knowing where to look. I will be meeting a Lady (she and I consider ourselves married) and she wants to learn the part of Dominant at my encouragement. I am excited and hope she grows to KNOW the part, and I as her submissive. Thank you for your information.
Hello, I must thank you first of all because your page has helped me a lot in many ways; not only it has given me confidence in things I was unsure or even scared of as a sub, but also has taught me a lot about the importance of also comprehending your partner, even though I’m just starting and I don’t have a partner…
In general, I’ve spend quite a lot of time reading here and I’m very happy I did, thank you for all your effort.
Dom Sub Living says
Thank you so much, Soledad!
Hey, love the content. Been working on setting up a routine and contract for when I find my next sub. Last one went well but was only meant to be short-term. Will use this site for training regimen for my future submissive.
Dom Sub Living says
Awesome, Matthew! I really appreciate it. ❤️
Dom Sub Living says
I’m sorry this happened to you, Rox. Be sure to communicate your thoughts and feelings with her, and listen to hers. You can ask her to write about it in a journal entry too if that’s easier for her. Keep the lines of communication open with her and it’s sure to get better.
Dom Sub Living says
Hi Glenn! That’s a great question. I’ve actually helped quite a few members in my Dom Sub Training course find that “unicorn”. So I’ve seen lots of long-term, romantic FLR that are monogamous and are 24/7 TPE. I hope to have you join us!
Dom Sub Living says
Be sure to check out Dom Sub Training then. 😉
Dom Sub Living says
Hi Brian! Thank you for your comment.
“Dom Sub Living” strives to be gender & sexual orientation neutral.
Sometimes I have to use the typical pronouns like “he” and “she”, or else it can sound very confusing. But whether you’re a male or female, gay or straight, the blog can still definitely help you. ????
Dom Sub Living says
Be sure to check out Lesson 3 of Dom Sub Training! 😉
I know…it sucks even more being in a plutonic vanilla situationship.
Which is what I am in right now. So I totally feel your pain.
It sucks not having a dom.
It’s hard not having a sub
I know,it’s downright frustrating!
Yeah it’s hard ????
I totally agree!!
Yeah, it’s hard, I can’t find a sub either. It sucks trying to find someone
Just got out of a relationship that was not-so-nice, the so-called ‘Dom’ took things to the dark side. I’m enjoying being single but it’s still lonely. I have the interest of a Master Dom who is to the extreme, but I would much rather be single and partnerless for a bit to ensure I’m ready for what this Dom offers… sooo on 1 hand: it blows being Partnerless but on the other hand: I would like to be more prepared for what this Dom or any other Dom can dish out .
I’ve had similar troubles, but mine was a fake Daddy Dom. It really sucked and he wasn’t at all what he seemed to be in the beginning
Dom Sub Living says
I’m so sorry you had a bad experience with a “dom”, Amelia! You’re completely right that being partnerless can be lonely at times, but remember that it’s better than settling. Use this time to understand yourself more and prepare your submission, because you deserve an amazing Dom! ????
I miss having that romantic connection with a sub/pet.
Keep looking, there are men out there like myself that are looking for a relationship and not 24/7 slave. You will find one eventually.
I’m new to D/s so everything is new. Deep down I’ve always wanted to have a Dom that understands me but that hasn’t really happened yet and I don’t think many people understand what it’s all about. Hopefully I’ll find my Dom.
Same here ngl, I know this was last year but it’s completely relatable
Same, I’m just trying to figure out how to be a Dom and what’s too far and stuff. U’ll find the person tho, and when u do it’ll be amazing
Im a single mum, finding it hard to find someone to be in a dom /sub relationship with, its bad enough finding any relationship when you are a mum, never mind one that will satisfy me. I’ve resigned myself to finding someone when they grow up but its heartbreaking. Hate being on my own. Hate vanilla sex.
Don’t have to be on your own when there is chat support and instruction; just a thought..!!
Jenny I’m finding this too!! I think being a single mum is bad enough but I think it also puts potential Doms off too. I can kind of understand why but we’re entitled to what we need/want too.
I just long to belong to a daddy Dom and have that special bond ,but there’s so many fakes out there too waiting to take advantage x
I’m new to the lifestyle and trying to find a Dom in my area. Spoken with a few Dommes online from a few sites, but they have all asked me to pay a commitment or buy training kits before meeting in person. This feels suspicious, but again wanted to double check if this is a standard practice!
Perfectly not Perfect says
As a single Dom on the lQQK out, it is frustrating being without a sub. Yeah, these days it has become even more difficult to allow yourself to trust.
To add to it. . .I have spent a bit over a year not actively searching for a sub, so that i could give myself enough landscape between relationships. I didn’t want to carry issues from past to future. Developing “interview” questions may sound insincer, although it really does subtract from the “get to know you” time. . . . Always, ensuring the subs i do talk to . . . That i am full of passion and romance as well. . . Where are all the good girls hiding anyways?. . LoL. . . Thanks Dom sub Living for giving A/all of U/us a voice! ????
Paul Skirton says
I’ve recently got out of a very long term vanilla relationship because my wife was not at all interested in my proclivities. Not her fault, when we met I didn’t know anything about BDSM apart from porn and that was unrealistic. So I’m now single and looking for a sub. I’ve been chatting to subs and was trying to build something with one that was perfect but she was diagnosed with liver cancer and thst has since become terminal. As such her priorities have changed. I’m still optimistic but one thing I know, I can’t go back. If I never find the right sub and I end up alone in a hovel I’ll still believe I’ve done the right thing. You must always shoot for thr moon even though you might miss.
I am a Dom missing a sub and the last relationship I had I just wasnt getting satisfied and the woman (vanilla) I was seeing hates sex in every aspect of the word, said it makes her feel cheap and she doent like to make herself pretty, hates lingerie, or pretty colthing, baggy jeans and baggy t, and so call granny panties is all she would wear. I tried to open her up to better nicer choices, dresses, nice blouses slacks, but she wasnt having it. and when it came to Dom/sub she was domineering, controlling, and a total B .
I end up meeting a sub woman for a short time snd was everything I could ask for but now back single. gave me time to write a contract up and revise it the more i think. and the info here helps just really wish I could find another great sub for life.
ty for the info gave me more to think on. I hope I can find a good sub to train and be exactly what I hope she can be. if not I will remain single I just cant do vanilla anymore.
I’m a newly single experienced Dom it’s a struggle to find new partners given the current state of dating, I have all this wealth and knowledge and nobody to enjoy it with it can be frustrating.
But I’m here in the UK searching for my one
I feel your frustration as I am a sub bi-male and I find it difficult to find Doms or Dommes . Just have to keep searching I guess.
Thanks for the advice!!!!
I am an older woman who in recent years have figured out that I am a submissive and not having a Dominant in my life is what has been missing. I have no idea how or where to find one, but have been enjoying reading and learning more about myself through the articles on this website. Thank you for taking the time to write them and make them available. Now if I could only find the right Dom. …
Hi , I’m New to this Lifestyle and I have been searching for information for months on switch….
I really believe that’s where I fit in but how do you find a relationship as a SWITCH.. especially like me if you want both and are bi curious- bisexual & 40 & just now coming out????
Dom Sub Living says
You just find another switch. 😉
Reading all of the comments and replies has definitely given me some food for thought and also a good look at myself. Thank you for this interesting insight into what I thought was just my fantasies
Im still new to this dang bdsm thing, but I’ve learned that im just vanilla with a tad of kinkiness. I just love being sexually degraded, but loved? Can’t explain it, im so confused but i think it makes sense.
I used to have an ex whom I separated from and it was everything all wrapped in one……sex, chemistry, and love all in one…..she was my one and only real sex slave and sub….we lived it the feeling she gave me when she submitted to my commands and the look in her eyes to conform and give me the power to keep me as confident as I am ……its a special thing it’s just connection u either have it or no…..it cantbe forced
I have been single since my fiancée left me. Its hard to find a partner nowadays. But i don’t know weather im a dom or sub. I would like to find someone who can help me discover which side appeals more.
I’m struggling to even find myself a vanilla relationship, let alone one that’ll fulfill me. Being on the spectrum and living with cripling anxiety has all but made me give up on a fulfilling kink relationship 😞
I’m in a similar situation too. I’m a 34 year old gay man living in India. My sexual preference is for submissive men 55-60 years of age that are ‘men of power’ in the outside world but total subs in the bedroom. I have been able to find a few submissive men who are all-round softies, some in India and some during my travels in the US. They gave me some great experiences. But the ‘men of power’ part really takes it to the level I would like.
Thats quite a specific requirement. Hence I’ve never found a relationship.
This summer I’m moving to Europe so I can live the life I want.
Wishing everyone luck in their search and efforts!
I’m looking. I don’t know if I need too be the Trainer or the Trainy.
(Do you know how HARD it was not to say Tranny!) Anyway, I need somebody. Or some people.
As a single, the current pandemic has helped me put a lot of stuff in perspective with where I might have done things differently with alot of my dates. The first and foremost biggest mistake, that I have made is being shy and afraid to communicate clearly my needs and wants.
The second mistake is that I have been reserved about having dates and fun.
Well, during this pandemic I’ve taken steps to fix alot of those issues, and work hard to improve myself.
All these single doms and subs commenting on here, Alessandra you should create a dating site!
Yes! That’s a brilliant idea. I’m looking for a Dom right now the last one didn’t work due to family interference. So we both agreed to walk away since the relationship we had would have been a bit awkward if my parents saw the age gap
Ice Phoenix17 says
Wow…At least I’m not the only one struggling to find a partner lol. But this site has given me something to reconsider and work on. In the last few years, I found out soooo many things about myself but ever since I was 13 I knew I was into BDSM. Currently, I’m a Genderfluid Femboy (sex is male) who’s 17. gay, a switch and has alot of relationship experience (not bragging just saying I know what to expect in a relationship depending on the person’s personality). This site will be shared because it really gives you something to think about even if you aren’t into BDSM. So thank you uh Creator of this site XD
I’m so happy that I found this site! Thank you so much to the Creator of this space.
I’m 22, (female) and I’m a slave. I got out of a BDSM relationship very very recently and I’m finding it very hard to be alone again. It was my first relationship and also my first contract. He saved me from a really dark place and I’ll forever be grateful, I know I was lucky to find someone like him in that moment.
I know I have to give myself time to heal and to find my own space, and my therapist is helping immensely in that sense. Before engaging in any kind of new relationship I have to build myself up again, but I’m also hoping that I’ll be able to find a new Master soon, as a 24/7 slave it’s really hard to be alone
Great site! I live in a small town and had no idea how to find my (first!) dom and this post helped a lot. Thank you for all the others too, they’re great. Being a 21 single sub in the middle of a pandemic in a small town hasn’t been easy.
Love this site, I live in a town where a lot of diverse people live….but going to a school where most of the people are either homophobic, transphobic or just mean in general is hard. I’m hella kinky and horny 24/7 but also extremely cheesy when is come to romance. Being transgender,polyamory and pansexual is tuff but I’m always looking for people who are ok with that and can handle my horny weird ass
Owner of a lonely heart says
I can’t wait for a BDSM dating website tbh, I’m a submissive male, and I have never met any female Dominant at all, and I’m starting to get really lonely 🙁
So, I’m a switch (heavy Dom lean) in a very solid vanilla relationship. Not sure how to work with this situation, but would love to get some advice if anyone has any. I am finding that my kinks are getting so channeled into my workout routines that I am adding more and more exercise. I feel like I am going to turn into a workout machine. I am seriously about to add parkour on the sixth day of the week. I think I am a true adrenaline junkie.
I’m a switch (heavy lean towards bratty sub). Recently out of a long distance relationship.
I would love a dom/sub matching service. Its so hard to find a dom that isn’t just someone who just wants to abuse you. A safer environment to find someone would be nice.
I agree tbh it’s hard to find someone that will do whatever you’ll say
After reading five books about the dinamic of BDSM lifestyle, Im fanilly facing who I’m right now. But sadly, deep down, with all what’s around me, I know I would never meet the right dominant and never embrace that part of me.
Thank you Alesandra for the content. It’s very interesting, I can see how passionate you are about all of this. ❤😊
I recently found out that I am a switch, and that I am poly. Being a switch, with minimal experience in the lifestyle I am lost at where to even start looking for partners. I also have a very specific preference, which narrows my choices even more. And on top of all that I just relocated to a new area.
My first real relationship was a long distance relationship with an 8 year age gap. Me being the younger partner for the majority of the relationship we were apart but when we met it obviously went down. It was nice but we ended up having to split again because we lived far away from each other. They ended up doing some things I was uncomfortable with in the relationship and here I am. Still horny and single but I’m trying to learn more about the sex world. I’ve been looking around and it’s hard to find people in general but this site, the comments, and the dating thing is pretty hopeful. Not sure if I’m ready for another relationship or just some friends with benefits type thing. Pretty much just a mind dump
I hear the frustration of so many people in the comments and, while I relate to it somewhat, I encourage people to take some action to find a partner for themselves. I have had many subs over time, though none evolved into long term relationships. Finding a sub or Dom is hard but not as hard as some are making it out to be. Kinky people are everywhere and once you make yourself available they tend to find you. All I do is make it known that I am a Dom and the subs come to me. I would like to find a full time sub for a 24/7 arrangement in the future, but I am willing to wait until I find the right girl.
I’m super new and don’t even know where to start or look.
I am naturally submissive by nature and my whole life I have lived in a cookie cutter relationships. Even though I love everyone of my past partners I never felt right. This time I will wait for the one who will let me be who I am inside. I was born to serve and I will not deny myself this any longer.
Fae Wings says
The most difficult challenge is finding a healthy, honest & trustworthy switch who is already fluent in American Sign Language (ASL). That’s nearly impossible…