One of the questions I get asked the most is, “How do I go from vanilla to BDSM?” (The definition of vanilla is plain, normal, or boring.) Maybe the person read the book 50 Shades of Grey, or wants to incorporate kink into their relationship or sex life to bring more meaning to it. It can be hard when you are already married or dating and you want to switch to a kinky lifestyle. Here is how to make your journey successful.
*If you want to help your partner be more dominant, submissive, or kinky, be sure to check out my new workshop.*
Be sure to learn the BDSM essentials and their meaning first by clicking here.
Start with kinky communication (and not just about sex)
One of the awesome things about a D/s lifestyle is that there is usually a whole lot more communication than a vanilla one. Start by telling your partner what you already like about your relationship. Then you can begin to tell them things you want to maybe try or are just curious about.
Ask them what their kinky fantasies are. This may take a few tries so keep things positive and be patient. Saying the word “BDSM” may scare them off so maybe just talk about the aspects of it you like. This can be things like:
Sometimes a person has to get comfortable just talking about how to go from vanilla to kink before they feel they can make the switch to doing it in real life. Read articles on Domsubliving.com together and keep your conversations light and fun.
How to go from vanilla to BDSM with a kink contract
Contracts are one of the things that the book 50 Shades of Grey actually got right, but contracts don’t have to be for hardcore D/s couples. Experts say that talking about sex openly and writing it down in a contract brings meaning to even vanilla relationships.
If you need somewhere to start, download a free template here.
Contracts can include roles and what those involve (even if it’s just your names and titles like husband, wife, boyfriend, or girlfriend). Other things to cover are:
- Limits (the kinky things you or your partner won’t do)
- Safewords
- Rituals
- If/what discipline is acceptable
Don’t be embarrassed or take yourself too seriously. Have fun discussing your contract and check in regularly to see if it’s working or to renegotiate.
When things don’t go as you hoped
Whether you’re vanilla or practicing BDSM, you shouldn’t expect perfection from your partner. Remember, this isn’t the book 50 Shades of Grey.
Resentment builds when one person starts to feel like the other isn’t fulfilling their role. In D/s this could be the Dom feeling like their sub isn’t being submissive enough, or the sub feeling like their Dom isn’t being dominant enough. What should you do when this happens?
As always: communicate. If talking about how to go from vanilla to BDSM makes you feel uncomfortable or you’re hitting a brick wall, a journal can be a safe place to express your feelings freely. Journaling is great for any relationship, vanilla or kinky.
You can download a free journal here which includes prompts to help you get started.
Make the switch from vanilla to BDSM safely
You may be tempted to jump right into a kinky lifestyle, but start slow. Remember, the book 50 Shades of Grey is not real life. In the BDSM community “Safe, Sane, and Consensual” is extremely important, and not just during sex.
If not practiced correctly, a D/s relationship can be dangerous, both physically and emotionally. However, when it is enjoyed in a healthy way it can be extremely fulfilling and bring deep meaning to a relationship. I hope with these suggestions all who want to can go from vanilla to BDSM and kink successfully. 🖤
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