One of the questions I get asked the most is, “How do I go from vanilla to BDSM?” (The definition of vanilla is plain, normal, or boring.) Maybe the person read the book 50 Shades of Grey, or wants to incorporate kink into their relationship or sex life to bring more meaning to it. It can be hard when you are already married or dating and you want to switch to a kinky lifestyle. Here is how to make your journey successful.
*If you want to help your partner be more dominant, submissive, or kinky, be sure to check out my new workshop.*
Be sure to learn the BDSM essentials and their meaning first by clicking here.
Start with kinky communication (and not just about sex)
One of the awesome things about a D/s lifestyle is that there is usually a whole lot more communication than a vanilla one. Start by telling your partner what you already like about your relationship. Then you can begin to tell them things you want to maybe try or are just curious about.
Ask them what their kinky fantasies are. This may take a few tries so keep things positive and be patient. Saying the word “BDSM” may scare them off so maybe just talk about the aspects of it you like. This can be things like:
Sometimes a person has to get comfortable just talking about how to go from vanilla to kink before they feel they can make the switch to doing it in real life. Read articles on Domsubliving.com together and keep your conversations light and fun.
How to go from vanilla to BDSM with a kink contract
Contracts are one of the things that the book 50 Shades of Grey actually got right, but contracts don’t have to be for hardcore D/s couples. Experts say that talking about sex openly and writing it down in a contract brings meaning to even vanilla relationships.
If you need somewhere to start, download a free template here.
Contracts can include roles and what those involve (even if it’s just your names and titles like husband, wife, boyfriend, or girlfriend). Other things to cover are:
- Limits (the kinky things you or your partner won’t do)
- Safewords
- Rituals
- If/what discipline is acceptable
Don’t be embarrassed or take yourself too seriously. Have fun discussing your contract and check in regularly to see if it’s working or to renegotiate.
When things don’t go as you hoped
Whether you’re vanilla or practicing BDSM, you shouldn’t expect perfection from your partner. Remember, this isn’t the book 50 Shades of Grey.
Resentment builds when one person starts to feel like the other isn’t fulfilling their role. In D/s this could be the Dom feeling like their sub isn’t being submissive enough, or the sub feeling like their Dom isn’t being dominant enough. What should you do when this happens?
As always: communicate. If talking about how to go from vanilla to BDSM makes you feel uncomfortable or you’re hitting a brick wall, a journal can be a safe place to express your feelings freely. Journaling is great for any relationship, vanilla or kinky.
You can download a free journal here which includes prompts to help you get started.
Make the switch from vanilla to BDSM safely
You may be tempted to jump right into a kinky lifestyle, but start slow. Remember, the book 50 Shades of Grey is not real life. In the BDSM community “Safe, Sane, and Consensual” is extremely important, and not just during sex.
If not practiced correctly, a D/s relationship can be dangerous, both physically and emotionally. However, when it is enjoyed in a healthy way it can be extremely fulfilling and bring deep meaning to a relationship. I hope with these suggestions all who want to can go from vanilla to BDSM and kink successfully. 🖤
So I have past experience in D/S relationships I have been both for a long time ago. I brought up some of my needs that havent been meet by the most amazing man I just married we have talked about making the switch and he is willing but we need some advice or tips on how to help him be my D for his time
Hi Tosha! Good for you for bringing up your needs to your husband. Here’s an article that can help him with becoming a Dom: https://domsubliving.com/ultimate-guide-dominant/. Keep helping to educate him, and remember to be patient as he makes the switch. Have fun!
My husband and I have been married awhile now & we have 3 kids. He is a truck driver so he isn’t home often but my question is,he knows I’m into some kinky things and would like to try this lifestyle but how do we start? Is there places or books where it gives us tips on how to start incorporating BDSM into the short time we have together.
Hi Tiffany! You can check out this course for tips on how to start incorporating BDSM when you’re short on time (and have kids). And this article I wrote has some fun tips too. Take care!
Hello, my wife and I of 16 years are just making the switch to a D/s lifestyle. She has been wanting it for years, but I was just stuck in my vanilla lifestyle. I am desperately looking for some kind of guidance as how to be a Dom. I am really hoping that your class starts sometime soon, but even if not, I will be looking. I am so glad that I found this site, and know that I can find many useful things here. Thank you for the effort that you put into this!!!
You’re very welcome, Daniel! Congratulations on starting to switch to a D/s lifestyle. I’m sure you’ll have a lot of fun. 😉
I’m dating a Dom guy he’s is very into kink. He only has vanilla sex with me. He has other women that service him as Subs but he won’t do it with me. He has done some light spanking and used a paddle once, but I couldn’t take the pain. Since then , I have been reading and researching to learn all I can about the lifestyle. I ask him to train me , but he always says I’m not ready. I want to learn how I can prove to him that I am ready.
How does someone start the “talk” with their hopefully sub?
Hi Mace! I actually cover that in detail in Dom Sub Training, but to get started, like the above article says: “Start by telling your partner what you already like about your relationship. Then you can begin to tell them things you want to maybe try or are just curious about. Ask them what their kinky fantasies are.”
Sir and I transitioned from vanilla to 24/7. It has taken about 2 years and W/we are still learning and growing every day. Those plateaus are tough but openly discussing them helps tremendously.
If I may may ask, when you started we’re you and Sir a “couple”? My Dom and I have been doing this over a year and a lot has transpired since then. The way we started out isn’t how things are now.
Hi Me and my now wife are trying to switch to D/s but it’s been quite difficult. W/we live in a complex housing situation and my wife doesn’t want her sister to find out about this side of us. So W/we can’t be noisy in bed (spanking is a major kink for us but it echoes) and can’t do any of the submissive serving things W/we want as to us it’s quite obvious what it is that W/we are doing.
W/we tried pinching or biting as substitutes for spanking but my wife doesn’t like it… any other ideas?
Living with others can make enjoying the lifestyle hard, Ali. Be sure to check out Lesson 6 of Dom Sub Training for ideas.
My Dom and I have been trying to go 24/7 into our D/s relationship for a little over a year now. The trouble is that soon after making that decision we got pregnant and that put a damper on a few things and then all hell broke loose with the craziness in the world and changing jobs, as well as already having a 10 year old and now a newborn as well. We are trying to really get back into it full time but definitely need pointers on how to do it when we are both exhausted from full time jobs and juggling a pre-tween and a little one.
I totally understand, Jac! Be sure to check out the practical tips in this article, and revisit Lessons 5 & 6 in Dom Sub Training and the course forums. We’re here to help you! ????
Hello! My bf likes to be sub and I’ve (f) been researching Dom techniques, but nobody seems to tell me what to do exactly. What do I say? How should I act? I’m so confused. These articles are helpful but I’m lost on the actual speaking/acting during play part.
Hi Kitten! You can check out my detailed scene for some inspiration here. Take care!
I must’ve missed this article, it’s a great help! Thank you for all of this and for the quick response. Stay safe!
It’s kind of hard to describe, but I guess are dynamic is more of a Dom/sub long distance, even though we live in the same town and we are not a couple. We are only involved with each other. We are still trying to figure out what works for us.
I have been “vanilla” my entire life (60) years until about 8 months ago. Oh the amazing discovery of the BDSM lifestyle! I became involved with a couple in a polyamory relationship that decided to become monogamous yet still in the BDSM community. Then here I come, our relationship grew stronger and the three of us became a throuple! We go on vacations together, out to nightclubs, dinner, etc. The hard part is that I do not live with them. They have a home of their own and a strong D/s relationship, He is also training me to be his submissive. They will be married as soon as the Covid-19 restrictions are lifted. We are all very much in love with each other however, I get so lonely and sometimes feel left out. And yes, there is jealousy. I am the one struggling but do not want to give up this lifestyle. I want to serve and want and need to be structured, not to mention I love the kink!!!!
That can be really hard, Syndi. Be sure to speak up if your needs are not being met. And for ways to still feel connected even though you’re not living together, you can check out this article.
How do you find someone, is there a community dating app where I can find my dom or do you just wait until you have a boyfriend?
Hi Cori! Be sure to check out this article. 😉
I am new to this lifestyle and I just don’t know where to start or what to do. I am very vanilla and my boyfriend/Dom is very experienced in this lifestyle. I do want to stay monogamous but still keep him excited. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I love being submissive but I want to live an everyday lifestyle.
I have brought it up to my husband and he says he is not interested. Yet, he caught me in the hallway and held my hands loosely above my head. I left my arms where he held them and was surprised but followed what he was showing me. How do I encourage him to be more forceful, more willing to try to be more open and without giggling. If you can give me a website to send him to, it may help me. I need him to stay gentle and yet be more aggressive about what he wants in the bedroom.
Hi Ivy! This site has helped a lot of husbands to become more naturally Dominant. You can also check out this workshop that can help a lot.
My girlfriend and I are beginning the lifestyle and things have been going great. But recently she brought up some topics that have made me uncomfortable but on the same page I am intrigued by some of it. I’ve been trying to tell her that I am good with some of it or willing to compromise with her. Now she feels I’m.just doing it it to appease her. I could use some guidance.