Rituals are an important part of any healthy BDSM relationship. They help the Dominant and submissive remember their roles, and can be a way to stay centered and focused. But creating powerful and easy Dom/sub rituals (that don’t fizzle out) can be challenging. Read on to discover proven examples of D/s rules and protocols, and pick up some new ideas to transform your connection.
What are BDSM rituals?
Sometimes people will use the words rituals, rules, and protocols interchangeably but they are slightly different. A BDSM protocol is a hard and fast rule usually listed in a D/s contract. A ritual is more of a way of carrying out something. It almost always involves an action where the Dom prescribes a series of behaviors for their pleasure and benefit.
Why have Dom/sub rituals?
Rituals are a way to discipline a sub. They teach them obedience and submission and keep them in the right frame of mind. This is true for the Dom as well. Sometimes if a sub has been allowed to act too bratty or is topping from the bottom, a ritual can snap both parties back into their role.
I really enjoy my rituals and view them as almost solemn and spiritual. When I perform a ritual it feels somewhat ceremonial even. I take pleasure in knowing I’m doing something my Daddy wants and that makes him happy.
Examples of D/s rituals, rules, and protocols
Rituals are automatic and a good sub shouldn’t have to be asked to do it every time. If a sub does forget (they’re not perfect) they should be disciplined to the proper degree. A good Dom doesn’t make up rituals just for the sake of having one. There should be a reason for them and should be for their pleasure. To give you some ideas, here are a few examples of the rules and protocols my Daddy has for me:
1. Kneeling
My Daddy usually goes to bed before me since he wakes up early, so once I’m all ready for the night, I sit in the bed next to him and kneel. If he doesn’t wake up by then I will lightly rub him and say, “I’m ready for bed now, Daddy.” If he hasn’t gone to bed yet I’ll kneel on the floor instead and wait for permission to get in bed. He also has me kneel before a scene as well.
2. Arrival greeting
This is another popular ritual and one I can safely perform in front of others. When he comes home, wherever I am in the house and no matter what I’m doing, I go and greet him with a kiss and tell him, “Hi Daddy”.
3. A morning text
My Daddy decided on the joint ritual of every morning texting each other. He usually texts me first to tell me good morning and that he loves me. I reply with how I’m feeling, a detailed plan for my day, and that I love him. I love waking up and seeing a text from him, and this also allows him to make sure I’m getting up when I’m supposed to.
4. Collars
There are so many ways to incorporate collars with rituals. Currently we have two. The first one is I have to wear my Day Collar whenever I leave the house or around company. If he’s home he will put it on for me. Second, when I kneel before a scene he puts my Play Collar on me. See ideas for different collars here.
5. Shaving
Sometimes in vanilla relationships, shaving becomes a chore that’s done begrudgingly even though the other partner prefers it. Making it a D/s ritual can make it more enjoyable. I always make sure I’m freshly shaven for my Daddy, and I also get a Brazilian wax about every 3 weeks. (As a masochist, I actually love getting it done.)
6. Punishments
You probably don’t think of punishments when you’re discussing rituals, but they can actually go together quite nicely. When the sub misbehaves, the Dom can tell them to get whatever implement they choose (belt, flogger, crop, etc.). The sub has to go get it, kneel, and present it in their hands, with their palms facing up. This can make the discipline more degrading, and as a result, more effective.
Can Doms have BDSM rituals too?
Yes and no. Doms will do certain actions as a routine but they are never expected to do it, as they are usually allowed to do whatever they want. An example is how my Daddy opens doors for me. Before I get in the car or enter a building he will almost always open the door for me, and it makes me love and respect him as my Dom even more each time.
Other ideas are combing or braiding the sub’s hair at night, ordering for them at restaurants, and staying on the outside of their sub when they’re walking on the street.
When a D/s ritual isn’t working
It may be that after performing certain rituals they will have to be modified or eliminated. Here’s an example that happened to us one time:
Every morning when Daddy was at work I had to let him decide my panties for the day. I’d pick out three, lay them in a row, take a picture, and text it to him. This was fun at first and I did it for almost a month. It ended up causing me a lot of stress though. There were many mornings I would have to rush because it was taking up too much time.
I told my Dom, knowing full well he could say, “You’re doing it anyway.” But instead, he said he would think about it and let me know the next day. Thankfully he told me I could stop. He still makes choices on my panties from time to time, and will often tell me to wear none when I’m in a dress or skirt.
Occasionally a protocol or ritual may also irritate and annoy a sub. For instance, having to ask permission to get into bed every night. Does this mean the ritual isn’t working, or that the problem is with sub?
In some cases, it’s not uncommon for a sub to be irritated by a certain protocol. Leaving it unresolved though can hurt the relationship. If a ritual isn’t working in a D/s dynamic, a sub can always talk to their Dom about it respectfully, or through a journal.
Click here to download your free journal and prompts!
One of the best ways to make sure a ritual is remembered and carried out is to write it down. Hopefully these examples have given you some ideas for creating your own BDSM rules and protocols. Keep finding peace in your rituals. They benefit both the Dom and the sub and are essential for transformation, training, and discipline.
It’s not uncommon to be irritated by a certain protocol. Leaving it unresolved though can hurt the relationship. I cover that exact issue in detail in Lesson 3 of Dom Sub Training. Keep communicating with your Dom, and I can’t wait to hear what progress you make in the future!
Excellent!
Really enjoyed your thoughts and key points
I am a 58 year old male in a tremendously satisfying relationship with my beloved submissive…..I am happy to say that , after reading your article, I feel that I am, indeed a “good” dominant!!!!!
Our relationship is so successful because she is not only my submissive, but my best friend, my soul mate, and we trust each other implicitly!!!!!
I consider myself truly blessed to have her in my life, and each day is a learning process for the both of us!!–
Thanks again……
Sincerely, David Joseph Young
Thank you for sharing, David! It sounds like your sub is fortunate to have you as her Dom.
I think the best rituals come about organically. Whenever my husband kisses me, he smacks my ass. Now, I habitually raise my skirt without thinking about it. He sends me to get his belt and hand it to him. And, when I’ve been very bad, I crawl to him with a belt in my mouth. It’s my way of saying, I am so sorry. You are my master. I completely surrender to your will. But my favorite is bathing him and kissing all the way down his body to and including his feet. Yeah, rituals rock.
Exactly, Caroline! Rituals that happen naturally are some of the best ones.
Great piece! My husband and master has many rituals. They enforce our roles. Most of them mentioned. But my favorite is bending over and presenting my bottom to him for a smack. Then I go back to what I’m doing giddy from the sting
One of the first things my Sir asked of me was to buy some ribbon. I was to take a small piece of the ribbon and place in on my person every day. The first day I had to send a photo of the ribbon. Since then he will ask where it is (but not daily) and occasionally ask for photographic proof.
I can’t tell you how incredibly comforting it is to have that token. When I first started I was pretty anxious but touching that ribbon calms me every time.
Our rituals have been led by my need for structure and coping with adhd, which has led to my kinks being oh so awakened that I begged him to be my Mister officially as that’s what I had been calling him as my husband in bed for the last 8 years. We’re navigating this slowly together. Some are of them are
When I pack his lunch before bed I write him a note about what I want to accomplish the next day and praise him. He replies with gratitude and tells me the color of sweatbands to wear to wash my face. ( They stop the water from running down my arms (sensory aversion) and I must send him a picture of myself put together by 8am and of me washing my face to make sure I take care of myself. I just started sitting on the floor to do my needlework at his side while he watches his shows at night. I love being withing his reach.
My Master and i are new to the lifestyle and we were just talking about this very thing. We are both having a bit of trouble keeping to our roles. We are long distance, which makes things even more difficult, but we have discussed starting rituals, so we shall see. Thank you ever so much for the suggestions.
My wife and I are new to the D/s lifestyle but we have both embraced it 110%. I am the Dom and she is the sub. I provided her with my expectations and she has embraced them completely and without restrictions. My two favorite ones are texting me her plans every hour and beginning or ending every sentence with Daddy. And the Daddy must begin with a capital D
First of all, thank you very much for the effort you undertake with sharing your experience and knowledge.
Rituals, routines, rules, and protocols can play an important aspect of relationships. This is independent of being D/s, SM or whatever. It strengthens the bonding with each repetition.
In a previous relationship, my girlfriend and I had a greeting ritual. Whatever she was doing, when I got home she dropped everything to run to me and jump up at me like a child.
She also knew I’m very coffee addicted and I’m special regarding the coffee prep. So she took over the coffee preparation and developed it to perfection, inclusively knowing which type and sort of coffee I had already, how well it tasted and on which occasion this type of coffee would fit perfectly.
Well, even she doesn’t drink coffee at all.
Thank you for telling me about rituals, because I just thought it was becoming my new routine and how I start my day, because something happened a week ago and I didn’t realize what until you sent this email about rituals, because I’m on my weekend to work I said good night before Daddy did, because I had to be up early, and he didn’t say good to me, but the next day I took it personally and refused to say good night, but when you explained how you get ready for bed, now I know Daddy has set my routine/ rituals, but I can’t complain, because I know that’s the way he want it and I’m happy to do exactly that.
The rituals in my dynamic are grounding for me. I have a day collar and while Daddy says I don’t have to wear it everyday (though I had to for the first 60 days), I DO have to wear it when I leave the house. When I’m feeling overwhelmed I put it on and it brings me to center.
A ritual Daddy does is when greeting me, he gives me a hug and a kiss on my forehead. It connects us immediately and pulls us into our respective spaces. I did ask for this one and Daddy grants it, every time.
Thank you for this information. My Servant and I are on different schedules. I work graveyard and she stays home with our children. We have a ritual that she texts me as soon as she wakes up. It is the best start of the day and sets the mood for rest of the day. We are in 24/7 Master/Servant roles and learn together new things that work well for us. Thanks again!