If you’re new to the lifestyle, or even if you’ve been playing for a while, you’ve probably wondered during a scene, “Am I doing it right?” (The definition of a scene is a BDSM activity or encounter that involves a Dominant and submissive. It may also be referred to as “play” or “session.”) Well, I have some fun ideas to help you with etiquette and structure so you can bring more meaning to your next Dom/sub play session.
Don’t forget to download your free PDF, based on some of my scenes with my Dom, here.
Know your BDSM scene etiquette
No matter how many years of experience you do or don’t have, you should always follow proper scene etiquette. This is especially true if you’re playing with strangers at dungeons or clubs. Good communication beforehand can help both parties relax so that they can focus on enjoying the session.
Here are some things to keep in mind:
- Ideally, already have a contract in place
- Know each other’s hard and soft limits
- Refer to each other by the titles and names you prefer
- Know the safewords to be used and respect them at all times
- Make sure you are following SSC protocol
Scene etiquette doesn’t have to be too complicated, and once you’ve been playing with someone for a while it becomes second nature. But it is good to revisit it from time to time, to make sure you’re playing correctly and safely.
The Dom should have everything ready before a scene
This is huge because it will kill the mood if you have to go fumble looking for rope or lube halfway during a scene. One thing my Dom likes to do is lay out everything on the bed when we start.
This serves two purposes: One- it puts everything within reach so it’s easily accessible, and two- it creates anticipation and makes me think about what he’s going to do to me.
Another thing you could do is put everything in a toy box and have it nearby so you can simply grab it. Just make sure everything is organized and easily accessible.
Ideas for a beginning, middle, and end
Your scene doesn’t have to have an elaborate plot like a BDSM porno movie, but you should have a general plan of how things will progress.
Having a good sequence also keeps you from just doing things randomly without a purpose or meaning in mind. It also makes the submissive confident that the Dominant knows what they’re doing. Here is the meaning of each part of a scene:
Beginning- Sets the mood and builds anticipation. This can be mostly verbal to start out with. Light teasing is also good.
Middle- More intense playing can start. This may be where the sub begins to wonder if they will be able to last.
End- The Dom brings the sub back down gradually. Both of them may have already orgasmed.
Want to see what this looks like in an actually play session? Download one here »
Build tension in your play session
This is what keeps a scene from becoming routine, even if you’re always playing with the same person. Just like every story needs a conflict, so should every good BDSM play session. This doesn’t have to be huge, like rape play, but there should be some element of tension.
Here are some ideas:
- The sub could act a little bratty, or even just slightly resist.
- The Dom could push the sub to the point of using a safeword like “yellow”.
- The sub could be given a task to do, with consequences or rewards.
When thinking about ideas for building tension, try to do it not just physically, but emotionally too. Which brings us to our next scene strategy:
For the Dominant: Create a sense of fear
When a sub is slightly afraid, their nervous system is more heightened. This doesn’t mean they have to be genuinely scared, but there should be that fear of the unknown. Not knowing what the Dom will do next will be a huge turn on for them, and bring a deeper meaning to the relationship.
The easiest way to achieve this is by taking away one or more senses. The sub could be blindfolded, restrained in some way, given earphones with loud music, or even gagged. The Dominant can then give pleasure or pain unexpectedly.
I hope you loved learning about how to set up a scene correctly. Just remember: your main goal should be for you and your partner to connect and enjoy each other. So relax, apply the strategies in this article, and I know your next play session will be so much more intense. Have fun playing! 🖤
What are some of your scene ideas? Let us know in the comments.
I just found your website recently, and have really enjoyed exploring it. I was recently introduced to being a sub, and have been wanting more info on what makes a good sub. Your website is so informational. Thank you so much!
Awe! Thank you, Moriah, that means so much to me. Being a sub is very rewarding and I hope you have fun exploring the lifestyle.
I’ve never been in a BDSM relationship before, but I am interested, and I enjoy reading the things on this website. You have great advise and a good way of explaining thing that make it fun and easy to read. Thank you❤
I’m really glad you like it! There are so many people interested in a BDSM lifestyle but are too afraid to learn about it. I love how open-minded you are, Chloe. ????
Thank you for all of the information on your blog! I have always wanted to be sub in my relationship but scared to tell my husband. Finally after 10 years I worked up the nerve to tell him what I have been wanting and needing and he was totally supportive. This is something we are going to explore together and I am so excited to see how it transforms our relationship. We already felt immediately closer just from sharing our desires.
Thank you!
You’re so welcome, Morgan! Good for you for having the courage to tell your husband what you want and need. (I still remember that first conversation I had with my husband.) I’m glad the blog is helping you, and I know your new relationship is going to be amazing. ????
I love how you emphasize building up and give resources. My Dom and I are both relatively new. He has some experience I’ve just tinkered with kinks. I’m making us a “guide book”, he really hates the term contract, to help us through. I get alot of my ideas from your website.
Thank you so much!
I look forward to your posts, which are always succinct and educational………and lots of fun ! Keep it up…….yes, pun intended.
You’re very welcome, Kari! I’m so glad I could help. ????
That’s awesome, Chaz! 😉
i like your ideas, being brat is so good????
Thank you!! I’m a new sub, learning my role, and this website was Fantastic!! Thank yiunfor helping me please my Dom!!! And to be a better sub!!! <3 <3
I am finally exploring the lifestyle I have always wanted and this wed site is incredibly helpful. Thank you so much.
You’re very welcome, Kathy! ❤️
This is great stuff I look forward to trying this with my wife (the sub) it’s so sexy and I really enjoy the dominant roll as it is such a turn on for both of us.
I am new to being a dom. My partner has done some but he wants to be the sub. I like your scenario. My idea is that he is my pool boy and does NOT do a good job. I don’t have many ideas, yet, but I’m getting them, slowly. We meet this Saturday. I have some things planned but they won’t last very long, I’m afraid. He is SO good at oral sex, I don’t know if I can wait that long!!! Thanks for your expertise.
First of all. Thank you for the guidance, it do helped us a lot.
Now we can actually try to be a legitimate Dom and Sub with my girlfriend. We discussed everything what we read on the website, now we need to practice it, and we hope, we do it right.