One of the most debated but rarely explained topics in the BDSM community is consensual non-consent, or CNC. The real definition of this type of D/s relationship is one of deep trust, not abuse. And even though the sex fantasy of rape play is pretty common, this kink is still a taboo topic. What is the real meaning of consensual non-consent? And do you still need a contract or agreement? Let’s look closer at CNC, plus I have some stimulating ideas and examples to get you started.
Consensual non-consent vs. rape fantasy explained
Before we begin discussing everything you need to know about CNC, we need to first understand how it differs from rape play. Even though the two are very similar, rape fantasy or play rape, usually just refers to the sexual act, whereas consensual non-consent can encompass all aspects of a D/s relationship.
Some people use the terms interchangeably, and even rape play is a fantasy for many “vanilla” people. Feel free to use whichever term you’re comfortable with, but always make sure everything is safe, sane, and consensual.
1. Consensual non-consent meaning in BDSM
The definition for consensual non-consent is a mutual agreement where the Dom is able to act as if the sub has waived all consent. Complete consent is given beforehand, with the understanding of it being a permanent arrangement under most circumstances.
The bottom line is that this is something the sub has willingly said they wanted. The “non-consensual” part also means that sometimes the Dom may have to make the sub obey if they refuse.
Why would a sub, and especially a slave, say “no” if they already gave their total submission? Simply put, because subs and slaves aren’t robots. They have feelings, needs, wants, and imperfections too. They may disagree with the Dom, and voice it, but they still ultimately want to serve and be used.
If you’re still confused as to the meaning of consensual non-consent, here is what it means to me:
“I like it even when I don’t like it. I want it even when I don’t want it.”
2. Do you need safewords or a contract in CNC?
Since trust is so important in consensual non-consent I would say that safewords are preferred. Safewords make everything clear. Of course it’s a good practice for a Dom to remind a sub that they have safewords during an intense scene.
We usually think trust has to do with the sub trusting the Dom, but the Dom has to equally be able to trust their sub. “No means no” in a court of law, regardless if it’s a D/s relationship, or even if there’s a BDSM contract or agreement. A Dom needs to know that the sub is completely willing, even if they’re yelling and crying for something to stop.
If you are in a 24/7 relationship, in your contract or agreement you can discuss removing safewords in certain situations, like during punishments.
For example, some couples don’t allow safewords at all in non-consensual play, as they feel it gives the submissive too much control. An example of this type of D/s relationship is a total power exchange relationship, or TPE.
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3. Subdrop and aftercare will be different
After a play session, a sub might act completely different if conensual non-consent was involved. After a scene I usually like to cuddle, but if we did some forceful, hard playing I can’t stand to be held.
My Dom knows that it’s difficult for me to receive affection after consensual non-consent, so he’ll give me my space and just maybe rest a hand on my shoulder. It’s not uncommon for a sub to get upset and angry, almost as if they were really abused.
This is because the mind and body are so connected. If a sub’s body is abused in a non-pleasurable way, their mind will begin to associate with that emotionally.
During subdrop they will slowly start to feel safe and in control again. It’s extremely important for the Dom to respect this and not get offended during this time, but to continue to provide aftercare.
4. Rape play is more than just a kink fantasy
Many BDSM players may use the terms rape play and consensual non-consent interchangeably, but as we discussed at the beginning, they are not the same thing. Rape play is just one small aspect of a CNC kink. Even those in a vanilla relationship may have that fantasy.
For some victims of past abuse though, acting it out can be very therapeutic. To them CNC can have a bigger meaning. It can be a way to relive the experience, knowing that they now have the power to make it stop.
If you are going to engage in rape play with someone, make sure limits are clearly discussed/included in your contract or agreement. For example, vaginal rape may be acceptable, but anal may not be.
5. Ideas for D/s sex and beyond
There are many ways to engage in consensual non-consent, both sexual and non-sexual. If you are in a BDSM relationship, or even if you just play part-time, here are some ideas and examples:
- The Dom can dress up like an actual attacker (if they wear a mask, make sure at least part of the face is visible so the sub knows it’s not a real attacker)
- Use rope to tie up the sub and gag them during sex
- Enforce punishments that the sub will not like
- Engage in pain play that tests the sub’s limits
See 30+ punishment ideas here »
Another example of a CNC kink situation is somnophilia. The definition of somnophila is a kink where the Dominant performs sex acts on the submissive while they are unconscious or asleep. The sub would have to give their consent to this situation beforehand. This is actually a sex kink that my Dom and I enjoy on occasion.
Consensual non-consent is probably one of my favorite aspects of a BDSM lifestyle, and brings more meaning to my D/s relationship. Sex can be so much more thrilling when you didn’t say yes.
Forcing someone to do something, or being forced yourself, can be very alluring. Hopefully now that we’ve explained this hotly debated topic and you have some fun ideas, you can begin to safely experience it too. 🖤
Alesandra,
You have shared my feelings exactly. So nice to know that I am not alone in CNC and my fantasies. I love everything you write about.
Don’t stop! ????
I’m very interested in CNC, but I would only want certain scenes. Is that something that could be agreed upon in an agreement along with the safeword?
Yes, both you and your partner would choose the certain scene you would like to act out beforehand
Yes why not? It’s not defined what has to happen during a CNC Scene. It’s up to you and your partner/s what you agree upon and want to try.
Okay. It’s very great to know I’m not alone and that there’s a name for this but is there a way to get rid of this ? I hate love it seriously.
Jane, you don’t have to do anything you do not personally want to do. Make CNC a hard limit. 🙂
I’m am so glad you wrote about this topic. CNC is one of my biggest, most enjoyed kinks, and I’ve been thinking I am crazy for being so into it.
I wouldn’t even call it a kink. It’s part of your unique sexuality , and who cares about how many other people have the same tastes? Just enjoy it unapologetically. 😁
My prospective 24/7/365 Domme and I are moving in an orderly manner towards a FLR/ TPE relationship.
I was interested to hear her describe the eventual endgame desired as both TPE AND CNC as two expressions that mean the same thing.
I feel that there must be distinctions between those two things otherwise there wouldn’t be two entities. She certainly does t like anal play in any form, so as a male sub, I feel sure that no so called rape play is envisaged within the umbrella of CNC.
I would value ideas on the distinction between the two, TPE and CNC. Same thing or different?
Hi George! To put it simply, TPE can be enthusiastically consensual, and CNC doesn’t have to be a “Total” relationship dynamic. It can just be part of a scene. You can learn more about TPE here.
Loved your article! It was something I really needed. I’m like super into rape but I doubt if I can ever find the right partner to perform the act. For someone to just submit to me isn’t enough, I need them to put up some resistance (fight back). They should continuously try to escape, scream and maybe cry too. Most importantly say things like – “Stop”, “Please let me go now”, “Don’t do this to me”, “Someone save me”, etc. I’m still very young (20) so I guess I’ve plenty of time to find the right person and probably share your article with them lol. Hope I find them soon..
Oooohhhh, that’s my perfect fantasy. Trying to get away, resisting, all those things you want to hear….
I wouldn’t doubt it too much! I’m only a few years older than you but in those few years, I found that the people I talked to started being a little more open with their sexual desires (maybe it comes with the maturity and becoming more comfortable with yourself as you get older?). It has made it easier to meet people that are into similar things as me (such as the rape play) and honestly, I’ve been pleasantly surprised at how many people I’ve come to know that share the same ideas as me along with many other ideas that may differ from me! It’s refreshing to be able to talk about these things openly now, which I don’t think I could have or would have a few years ago.
Im 19, and I feel kinda the same but from a sub perspective. Like how would I even bring this up without being judged? I guess I have time to figure it out too.
I am so new to this ,my D/s relationship is of Master /slave . I will definitely bring it up we do have a 3 month contract since I am new and he is not . So I can learn and see what I like .
I’m literally crying a little bit right now. I had no idea that other people feel like rape play is therapeutic, too. I’m just getting to play with a partner who truly enjoys being a Dom, and researching this stuff as a sub doesn’t feel dirty or shameful for the first time in my life. But as a rape survivor coping with PTSD, to read that I’m not just broken/fucked up/twisted/wrong or alone for my desire for rape play just did something huge for me.
Thank you so much.
I had the same feeling reading the paragraph about it being therapeutic for some! I actually came across this article because my husband knew about my experience with that and for the first bit of our relationship, that experience still weighed on me negatively and caused us to move at a fairly slow pace since I expressed that I wasn’t ready for sex again. For a while now, though, I’ve had a rape fantasy in my head. I finally expressed this to him recently but we didn’t discuss it too much as I was crying and told him I felt ashamed of it – like I was messed up mentally for wanting to role play it knowing what the original event did to me and how it impacts so many others. Seeing this article really helped me.
This is so comforting to read! As a survivor of rape I thought I was permanently damaged because I developed kinks that were the same things he did to me. Suddenly I was into being choked, and recently I’ve started to fantasise about my partner doing things “without my consent” (CNC). I don’t know how to talk about this with anyone because the trauma is still so present after four or five years, and what my friends know is that every October I withdraw and become depressed. It’s nice to know it’s not just me being broken.
I completely understand people who have gone through trauma most of my kinks are trauma related but you still want rape play the original rape was not what do people lot get
Honestly I have just started reading about the BDSM world and it fascinates me to no end! Everything I read is new and exciting but so out there I have no idea where to start. This was so well written, I feel I now understand something that was so foreign and confusing to me just 5 minute’s ago. Thank you for this, it really helps!
My wife and I really enjoy somnophilia, for both of us. She likes it primarily however to be acted out on her. I enjoy it too for obvious reasons.
I am new to this life style. I have a great Dom who is patient in explaining things. Your article helped me process what he has said. Thank you so much!!