Most Dominant/submissive relationship usually have punishments. After all, the “D” in BDSM stands for discipline, and no sub is perfect. Correction (even over text) is needed from time to time when they break the rules. However, many Doms struggle with ideas for knowing how to punish. Also, a sub can feel neglected when it isn’t done in the proper way.
Here are some things to keep in mind for a punishment to be successful. And don’t forget to download your free master list of ideas here.
BDSM punishments need to have a reason
The main goal of any punishment is so the sub will learn from it. The Dom disciplines to discourage unacceptable conduct, and to ensure that the sub fully appreciates their role. A sub should always know why they are being punished.
In fact, it is good etiquette to say beforehand, “You are being punished because…” or to ask, “Why are you being punished?” This keeps the focus on the behavior that needs to change. That way the sub won’t feel like it’s themselves that the Dom doesn’t like.
The success of the punishment also will have much to do with how well the rules are laid out beforehand. There are few things worse than not knowing what you did, why you’re being punished for it, or how to prevent it from happening again. Doms need to avoid making things up as they go along. Communicating any expectations, even over text message, is crucial.
The punishment should fit the crime
Failure to comply with any rules should usually result in some sort of punishment. The harshness should be determined by the severity of the misdeed. For example, if a sub waits 15 minutes to respond to a Dom’s text message, an intense caning would probably be too much.
For softer punishments, my Dom likes to make me remove my panties for the entire day, or have me wear Ben Wa Balls. (These punishments also work for long distance D/s relationships.)
On the other hand, if a sub has committed a major offense, corporal punishment will probably be required. Quite a few times I’ve gained my Dom’s disapproval so much to make him spank me so long and hard that I’ve bawled into my pillow.
Punishments for littles can be for things a real Daddy/Mommy would punish for. Examples include: not cleaning their room, spending too much time on their phone, etc.
Don’t go too soft when you punish
There is nothing worse than expecting a hard punishment and getting off with “a slap on the wrist”, or worse: no punishment at all. Some subs perform best when they are disciplined at least daily, others every other day, or even once a week.
Look for patterns. If a sub seems to stop trying so hard to please their Dom, then a good punishment is probably in order. Again, we are all imperfect human beings and there is always some correction in behavior that can be found.
Many Doms who are new to BDSM may hold back, fearing that they are going too far, especially if a sub starts crying. But that is where trust in their safewords comes in. If it gets too painful, physically, emotionally, or mentally, a sub has the right to safeword.
One way to gauge how painful a punishment is can be to make the sub count each time they are hit. My Dom usually will spank me five times, making me count after each one. That way he can tell in my voice if he is going too hard or soft. Another idea is to have the sub recite a phrase after each hit, like, “I am Daddy’s little girl.”
Timing is crucial when you punish (even over text message)
Usually a sub knows when they mess up, and they dread the after-effects of displeasing their Dom. If the Dom completely forgets to punish or even puts it off it is less affective.
Sometimes a little bit of time can grow the anticipation and force the sub to meditate on what they did. In general though, punishments should happen by the end of the day. If it’s a long distance D/s relationship, and you want to know how to punish a sub over text, still keep in mind the timing when administering discipline.
Anything later than a day often misses the goal of teaching the sub so they learn to never do it again. Subs need to also see that their Doms care enough about the relationship to take the time to discipline them. If a Dom ignores bad behavior or puts off (or neglects) punishments, the sub can feel insignificant or unimportant.
Whether it’s a spanking or orgasm denial, it should happen in a timely manor. Even a stern lecture over text message can make a huge impact. A sub needs to know they are important enough for the Dom to want to correct bad behavior.
BDSM punishment ideas
Important reminder: the subject of discipline should always be discussed beforehand to keep things consensual and safe. A written BDSM contract can list the types of punishments that are acceptable, and the severity that is agreed on.
Here are some ideas to get you started:
- Spanking- My favorite I love to hate. Usually done on the bed without clothes on. Using the Dom’s bare hand has the advantage of keeping the physical connection between both parties. It also prevents them from doing serious damage because they will have the pain in their hand as a gauge.
- Paddling- Administered like a spanking but uses an object like an actual paddle, ruler, hair brush, etc.
- Whipping- Belts can do serious damage so this is better when done lightly.
- Biting- Usually done during a sexual encounter when a sub displeases the Dom.
- Orgasm denial or edging- Either for a minute or a day, to remind a sub that their Dom has the power over their sexual fulfillment.
- Brazilian wax- Making a sub get this done will only work if they don’t currently enjoy doing this.
- Get your free master list with 30+ more ways
So there you have it: the basics of BDSM punishments. Keep these suggestions and ideas in mind and your D/s relationship will continue to thrive and bring greater fulfillment.
Se we have just started our BDSM journey and are enjoying it so far but we both really want it to be a full time thing and we’ve done a contract and rules etc.
We are struggle to do it full time as we have kids do you have any tips please?
Dom Sub Living says
Yes! In Lesson 6 of Dom Sub Training I offer lots of tips for making it work full time when you have children. You can check it out here.
Also what do you do when your sub is trying so hard to please that they do not do anything wrong but still wants punishment. How do you position the discipline then.
Dom Sub Living says
Hi Alan! You can check out this article here to help with that. 😉
Thank you for the advises. Most of these are common to me at the level of experience Ive been involved. I luv the discipline threat to guide my behavior. Thank you for your guidance I look forward you future sessions
Thank You, it’s very interesting article .
My dom is afraid to discipline and i can sense the disconnect from it
I really want to find a dominant to be in my life but I feel like all I find is fake dom’s who don’t know what they are doing… do you have any advice?
I love to be spanked. So, for a punishment to be a real punishment, I need more. Being forced to strip and getting a lecture with my daddy telling me he’s disappointed in me moves me to tears. I do not enjoy the spanking that comes after that. Then he sends me to the corner with my red bottom showing. It’s humiliating enough when it’s just us. But worse when his brothers are there. But he doesn’t have to do it often because I am a very good girl after that.
I look forward for this kind of lifestyle, specially since I’m a total brat haha…but really finding a Dom that actually cares and doesn’t just think it’s kinky sex or even disrespects aftercare safewords etc… is Impossible to find.
I wanna misbehave and get something from it… Starting by getting my dom all railed up…
I’m a new Domme and I would like to punish my sub for not making enough time for play (he’s very experienced). I’d use CP, but he loves it, so that would hardly be a punishment. Any suggestions?