How to Punish a Sub Effectively

How to punish a sub over text BDSM Dom submissive Dominant ideas

Every Dominant/submissive relationship should have punishments. After all, the “D” in BDSM stands for discipline, and no sub is perfect.  Correction (even over text) is needed from time to time when they break the rules.  But many Doms struggle with ideas for knowing how to punish.  And a sub can feel neglected when it isn’t done in the proper way.

Here are some things to keep in mind for a punishment to be successful, and don’t forget to download your free master list of ideas here.

Punishments need to have a reason

The main goal of any punishment is so the sub will learn from it.  The Dom disciplines to discourage unacceptable conduct, and to ensure that the sub fully appreciates their role.  A sub should always know why they are being punished.

In fact, it is good etiquette to say beforehand, “You are being punished because…” or to ask, “Why are you being punished?”  This keeps the focus on the behavior that needs to change. That way the sub doesn’t feel like it’s themselves that the Dom doesn’t like.

Punishments for littles can be for things a real Daddy would punish for: not cleaning their room, spending too much time on their phone, etc.

The punishment should fit the crime

Failure to comply with any rules should always result in some sort of punsishment. The harshness should be determined by the severity of the misdeed.  For example, if a sub waits 15 minutes to respond to a Dom’s texts, an intense paddling would probably be too much.

For softer punishments my Dom likes to make me remove my panties for the day, or have me wear Ben Wa Balls. (These punishments also work for long distance D/s relationships.)

On the other hand, if a sub has committed a major offense, corporal punishment will probably be required.  Quite a few times I’ve made my Dom mad enough to make him spank me so long and hard that I’ve bawled into my pillow.

Don’t go too soft when you punish

There is nothing worse than expecting a hard punishment and getting off with “a slap on the wrist”, or worse: no punishment at all.  Some subs perform best when they are disciplined at least daily, others every other day, or even once a week.

Look for patterns.  If a sub seems to stop trying so hard to please their Dom then a good punishment is probably in order.  Again, we are all imperfect human beings and there is always some correction in behavior that can be found.

Many Doms who are new to BDSM may hold back, fearing they are going too far, especially if a sub starts crying.  But that is where trust in their safewords comes in.  If it gets too painful, physically, emotionally, or mentally, a sub has the right to safeword.

One way to gauge how painful a punishmetnt is can be to make the sub count each time they are hit.  My Dom usually will spank me five times, making me count after each one so he can tell in my voice if he is going too hard or soft.  Another idea is to have the sub recite a phrase after each hit, like, “I am Daddy’s little girl.”

Timing is crucial (even over text message)

Usually a sub knows when they mess up, and they dread the after-effects of displeasing their Dom. If the Dom completely forgets to punish or even puts it off it is less affective.

Sometimes a little bit of time can grow the anticipation and force the sub to meditate on what they did, but generally punishments should happen by the end of the day.  If it’s a long distance D/s relationship, and you want to know how to punish a sub over text, still keep in mind the timing when administering discipline.

Anything later than a day misses the goal of teaching the sub so they will learn to never do it again.  It is like waiting too long after your dog has an accident to rub their nose in it.  Subs need to see that their Doms care enough about the relationship to take the time to discipline them.

BDSM punishment ideas

It needs to be emphasized that the subject of discipline should always be discussed beforehand to keep things consensual and safe.  A written contract can list the types of punishments that are acceptable, and the severity that is agreed on.

  • Spanking-  My favorite I love to hate.  Usually done on the bed without clothes on.  Using the Dom’s bare hand has the advantage of keeping the physical connection between both parties.  It also prevents him from doing serious damage because he will have the pain in his hand as a gauge.
  • Paddling-  Administered like a spanking but uses an object like an actual paddle, ruler, hair brush, etc.
  • Whipping-  Belts can do serious damage so this is better when done lightly.
  • Biting-  Usually done during a sexual encounter when a sub displeases the Dom.
  • Delayed orgasm-  Either for a minute or a day, to remind a sub that their Dom has the power over their sexual fullillment.
  • Brazilian wax-  Making a sub get this done will only work if they don’t currently enjoy doing this.
  • Get your free master list with 30+ more ways

So there you have it: the basics of BDSM punishments. Keep these suggestions and ideas in mind and your D/s relationship will continue to fulfillment and bring greater fulfillment.  🖤

What are your thoughts on discipline?  Share your ideas for punishment in the comments.

Keep reading: How to keep things safe »

34 thoughts on “How to Punish a Sub Effectively”

  1. Really enjoyed this article, can I set it up so I receive an alert email when there is a fresh article?

  2. Just because she likes the pain doesn’t mean it’s not a punishment. The purpose is to change behavior, not make her miserable. Make her beg for it. Make her promise to do what she’s told and specify what she will have to do. I think it’s really sexy when my husband says, All I wanna hear from you is Yes Sir. You will be reinforcing who is the Dom and who is the sub
    I promise.

  3. Se we have just started our BDSM journey and are enjoying it so far but we both really want it to be a full time thing and we’ve done a contract and rules etc.
    We are struggle to do it full time as we have kids do you have any tips please?

    1. Look into the “23/7 life style”. My Dom and i do this as we have an autistic son. It is very nice. We incorporate our bdsm lifestyle in with our “vanilla” lifestyle.

      I call my Dom “Sir” – which doesn’t make anyone think anything “weird” lol so it works in private and in public, and he refers to me by name in public but slave or others when alone. Alone i refer to him as Master.

      The biggest thing for us is that we keep the understanding that we are equals – in our daily lives, especially when it comes to our son, and I am submissive in a lot of ways in daily life but i am also my mothers daughter and very strong willed and bullheaded so having to be “slave” 24/7 would not end well. After a while it is easy now to float into and out of my subspace for slave.

      I hope this helps

  4. Thank you so much for all your time in creating this site. We have both been taking tips and learning from this and it really has helped so much! =^.^=

  5. I desperately want my husband to dominant me. I bring it up to him and only get him excited, couple spankings on the tush during sex and its over. How do I ask him for more?

    1. Hi Vanessa! I’m sure it’s really disappointing when you want more but your husband isn’t getting the hint. You may have to sit down with him and have a serious talk about what you want. But what might be the case is that he doesn’t know how to dominate. You’re probably going to have to give him lots of examples, and you can even share my blog with him to give him some ideas. Try to be patient with him, but when he does do things to dominate you, make sure you show him how much you like it.

  6. I appreciate these articles. i have just started with my first submissive and I am still wanting to learn things. This article was a big help!

    1. I have recently taken the “plunge” with my first sub at 55. This advice has been invaluable. However, I have a question for you (and the community): does the D/s have to be 24/7? We definitely need it to be outside the bedroom. She acts up too much when I don’t train her more often. However, THIS IS EXHAUSTING. Is there a way to strike a balance? Or am I in this “all or nothing”?

      1. You can definitely make BDSM fit your life, Beth. It can be just in the bedroom, 24/7, or anywhere in between. It’s totally up to you and your partner how far you want to take it. 🙂

  7. I’m having an issue with punishing my sub because she likes and wants the pain. Do you have any ideas on what are effective ways to punish a sub who craves the pain?

    1. That’s a great question, Katrina, and a really common problem. One of the best ways to punish a sub who enjoys pain is to take away privileges. Sometimes my Dom has to take away my laptop or make me go to bed early. You could also refuse to give your sub any attention for a set period of time. It may take some trial and error but it is possible to find an effective way to punish a masochistic sub.

  8. With one masochistic partner we both spent a lot of time developing our communication for behaviour and body language for fault and punishment and seperately of playfulness that would lead to ‘punishment type play’.

    It’s very much one area of d/s where a close connection works.

  9. My wife and I are new to Daddy Dom/Sub dynamic. I only have 1 rule for her to follow at the moment but she doesn’t seem interested in obeying it. I have punished her for not obeying but even after she still didn’t want to obey. I don’t want to be constantly punishing her if she doesn’t seem interested in obeying. She hasn’t talked to me about why such as if it’s too difficult for her.

  10. edging is one way bring her to the brink of an orgasm then stop a few times also figing for a bit of time could work it is pain but she may not like it

  11. My sub also enjoys spanki g and pain BUT she does not like them when I tell her she has disappointed me while I am spanking her. She usually starts crying just a few swats in and by the time we are through she is begging me to let her try to be better. I also use orgasm denial as a more serious punishment as she typically can orgasm multiple times a session…edging but not letting her finish is brutal for her

  12. Hi Dom/sub,

    I want to thank you for your very thought out and written articles. What your both are doing is i so mportant, especially in a world that doesn’t give us many places to talk about the lifestyle.
    After living with my Dom for 11 years, I can tell you the absolute worst thing a Dom can do is ignore bad behavior or put off (or neglect) punishments. This will absolutely make your sub feel insignificant or unimportant. Whether it’s a spanking or orgasm denial, it absolutely must happen in a timely manor. A sub need to know they are important enough for you to want to correct bad behavior.

    Thank again!

  13. I think it’s really important to stress that the sub’s experience of punishment will have much to do with how well the rules are laid out beforehand. There are few things worse than not knowing what you did, why you’re being punished for it, or how to prevent it from happening again. Novice Dons need to not make it up as they go along.

  14. I love this site! Thank you so much for providing so many explanations, hints, and worksheets. Daddy and I haven’t had much time together for education (I’m a newbie, he’s been crazy busy due to CoVid and other life events, and we are LDR as well).

    Because of you Alessandra, I have been patient and understanding to see this through. I love my Daddy, and would be broken-hearted if I hurt him and caused our relationship to dissolve because of ignorance.

    This site has made me a much better and much more patient little.

    You rock!

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