During a BDSM scene or other kink activities, the Dominant and submissive can experience a huge endorphin rush. It can be a shock when it is all over, for Doms and for subs. A proper checklist helps prevent this. It’s a way for those in a D/s (Dom/sub) relationship to calm back down. If your aftercare kit has room for improvement, or worse, is nonexistent, then these ideas can help. But first, let’s cover the definition of aftercare and the meaning of subdrop.
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Definition of aftercare and meaning of subdrop
What exactly is aftercare? Here is the actual definition:
“Aftercare refers to the attention given to a sub at the end of a scene. It often includes the Dom utilizing various pampering techniques on the sub in an effort to provide comfort after having an intense experience that can leave them in a vulnerable state.”
Intense pleasure or pain can cause a strong “high”, and when emotions and endorphins come crashing down subdrop can occur. Here is the meaning of subdrop:
“Subdrop is an experience with similar characteristics of depression that occurs after an intense BDSM scene. It is caused by adrenaline and endorphin crashes.”
So as you can see from these definitions, proper aftercare helps prevent subdrop, so the Dom and sub can slowly get back in touch with reality. Keep reading for my top 10 ideas for aftercare.
1. Cover up the sub
This is probably one of the most simplest things a Dominant forgets to do. During a scene a submissive’s body temperature usually increases and afterwards it drops, making the sub cold and uncomfortable. Before a Dom relaxes they should cover up the sub with a blanket.
If the sub was completely naked they are also probably feeling exposed and vulnerable and this simple act can help them feel at ease. Plus, after a very intense session a sub is usually too exhausted to cover themselves up.
2. Verbal reassurance from the Dominant
A sub craves to be told that they are good and that they did a good job. When their Dom says those words to them, it helps them to emotionally relax. It’s not uncommon for a sub to have doubts and insecurities after a session. Knowing they have their Dom’s approval gives them immense satisfaction.
If there was rape play or consensual non-consent during a scene, then it is extremely important for the Dom to be caring and calm, even saying, “I love you,” if it’s appropriate for the relationship.
Just like how a sub can be verbally reassured, they can also be physically reassured. When a Dom holds and cuddles a sub it helps them to feel safe and protected.
Other small ways to make physical contact include snuggling, petting, pats on the head, and forehead kisses. Feeling their Dom’s strong arms around them can go a long way in helping establish a sense of security in a D/s relationship.
After an intense kink scene, it is a good idea for both parties to rehydrate. However, it is the Dom’s responsibility to get their sub a glass of water to drink. Moreover, drinking water can help prevent headaches, muscles aches, and urinary tract infections.
Therefore, having two glasses of water nearby before a BDSM scene starts is a good habit to get into.
5. Proper clean up
BDSM scenes can be quite dirty. Sweat, lubes, bodily fluids, wax – they all need to be cleaned up. The Dom can get a towel and wipe up their sub and themselves. They can also help straighten things back up and put away any toys and other implements.
Sometimes a shower may be needed and the Dom can help wash the sub. This can be another opportunity to reconnect.
6. First-aid kit ideas
A sub may have marks and bruises from a hard and intense kink session. The Dom can massage limbs that were tied up, and apply lotion to any other sore spots. Some people swear by arnica cream but any lotion without menthol or alcohol is good. My favorite to use is one with shea butter.
Having Advil in your kit (brought with the water from tip #4) can help prevent swelling and bruising.
Stuffies, or stuffed toys, are another tool in providing proper aftercare. Littles especially love stuffies, and having one to cuddle and recuperate with helps them cope and deal with loneliness. Therefore, a Dom should bring the stuffie to their little after a play session.
On the other hand, if the little doesn’t own a stuffie, this is a good opportunity for the Dom to buy them one.
This one is probably my favorite for obvious reasons. It may be the farthest thing from their mind after a hard scene but an orgasm can help the sub calm down, and to refocus.
Being beaten and used is a very stressful thing to experience and an orgasm can help a sub release that. Also the Dom may have already orgasmed and taking care of the sub can help them not feel neglected.
For a simple (and free!) aftercare kit checklist, just CLICK HERE and it will be emailed to you instantly.
9. Discuss and recap post kink
After all the previous steps have been taken, it’s good for a D/s relationship if both individuals discuss a scene after it’s over. Doing all the relevant previous steps ensures that they are both calm and relaxed and can talk freely and openly.
This is a good time to figure out what went great, and what you’d like to try next time.
10. Check-in the next day
Even if you’re married or in a long-term D/s relationship, next day communication is really important. Subdrop can occur even days after a play session, so even a simple text or phone call can mean a lot.
Journaling can also help a sub to express their emotions productively, and the Dom can even assign a specific writing assignment based on the play session.
Get a FREE printable journal here »
Proper aftercare for Doms in a D/s relationship
Aftercare for Doms is something that rarely gets talked about in the BDSM community. Domdrop is a real occurrence though, and can be prevented with some of the ideas and activities above.
Some of the feelings that a Dom can have include depression, guilt, exhaustion, vulnerability, insecurity, and anxiety. In addition to the above ideas, here is a checklist for Doms:
- Ask for reassurance from your sub
- Talk to other Doms in the BDSM community
- Go to the gym or go for a run
- Do activities related to a hobby
- Practice these other self-care tips
A successful D/s relationship depends not just on hardcore scenes, but also on well planned, proper aftercare. As you can see, there are so many different ways and activities to ensure that this happens, even for Doms. Communicate what you need and want afterwards, and the play sessions are sure to keep getting better and better. 🖤
My favorite after care ritual is when my D cleans me. I’m glad to see you covered it here. He takes a warm cloth and wipes me down. Sometimes, he will caress my sensitive areas. I feel so loved and cared for afterwards.
I agree with you my don cleanse my body so gently
How can I get my don to role reversals
The truth is many doms have an innate desire to be a sub, try asking and there is a good chance they will be down for it. Even if they say they are not, they may just not want to mess up the relationship. Try to give reason why you want to switch things up, and if they are a caring dom they should do this for you.
Covering or wrapping in a soft blanket has an important psychological effect for many as well as the warmth. The sense of safety and privacy either alone or with the scene top, a friend or lover is intensely comforting
As a D my most important aftercare need is assurance from the S that I didn’t mess up, miss signs or go heavier than they were good with, and that they would have been comfortable to safeword if they needed
Dom Sub Living says
Thank you, Edward! I love hearing a Dom’s perspective. ????
We snuggle for a while after a scene, and don’t rush to clean everything up. After getting cleaned up we talk about the scene, what we liked and didn’t like. Even the next morning we are still discussing our favorite moments. It helps the scene have more significance and we feel more intimately connected. This wards off the sadness or insecurities that I feel as a sub. My Dom wants the reassurance that he pleased me as well.
Thank you for your perspective. Even as a sub – in the bedroom, so to speak) I am a natural care-giver And very empathetic) and have been really wondering about this aspect of D/s activities. I have some suspicion a person I play with may need more care than they currently have.
I had my first practice DS the other day with a guy I had only just met. We had talked on the phone and messaged like mad. He did touching denial for the entire day before I met up with him. When we did meet there was so much build up I went into a bit of a trance. When he left he was very kind and messaged me to check in. We discusses seeing each other again and agreed we both wanted to do that. Which was ok but that evening and the day after, although we talked and messaged it wasn’t the same. It was short and to the point. On the evening of the day after I felt really low and messages him but he didn’t answer. I tried to call him too. Nothing. Now he has said he wants time to think about seeing each other again because my reaction was a massive red flag. I said never mind let’s leave it and he said to give him tonight and he will be alright in the morning. I am thinking something is a miss and that he doesn’t know what he is doing. I should probably not do this with him again.
Dom Sub Living says
I’m so sorry this happened to you, Heather. Be sure to check out this article.
I’m sorry you experienced that feeling, I have felt it, my partner was very nice, we chatted every week for about 8 months and bc of distance both drove 2 hrs to meet in the middle, he left right after, checked with me over the next few days. He told me what a good time he had, left his wand and I think that may have been on purpose. But the fact is I did feel that drop.
Your play partner is a guy that dmdid not and does not care about your needs. I mean he turned it around on you, that’s called gaslighting by the way.
Or at the very least a butthead.
Thank you Alesandra for open my eyes to a new world.
I have just started my journey as a Dom. Just a few days ago my wife and I discussed some kinky sex, and she liked what I sad. Today she have already started to train. I told her
how important it is to have a good health.
Everything goes easyer than thought.
The most important thing for me is to bee mor humble and at the same time detremined. I have a long way to go.
But everything starts nice. ( I am a swedish man spelling and write very bad, hope you understand)
As I have been doing this for many years as a Dom, I have taken a massage therapy class and use it for my after care. A mixture of baby oil and lotion that is kept warm. Then cuddling and talking let’s my sub know I’m there for them.
What a great tip!
ahhh i love this article. i love the idea of covering up my sub and giving her a stuffie. aftercare is so important, especially when facing subdrops<3 thank you and i'm so happy to be here!:)
I love the blanket idea and am going to incorporate that into my aftercare session… in fact, I am going to ensure the blanket is present before every session starts and that she sees it and knows it will be used.
very astute and insightful ! thank you
Rowan Davies says
What a brilliant honest thread. I’m predominantly D but as willing to switch. Just stated to chat to someone who asked what I thought about aftercare. Never really given it much thought to be honest although the natural thing would be to cuddle and feel close together. Looked it up and ended up here reading this.
Really nice things to read. I think once such a strong connection/bond has been made the D especially is responsible for the setting of where both D/s can wind down in a relaxed state and communication is key. I’m
Always learning and trying to be better.
All the best x
I have been reading about the BDSM community. I so want to be a sub but I fear being involved with someone who won’t or can’t be at lest a descent Dom. What are some of the pit falls in choosing a Dom I can avoid?
Dom Sub Living says
Hi Sacha! Be sure to check out this article to help you when choosing a Dom:
I’ve always wanted to open up this world with my girl, she has had issues with sexual abuse during childshood, we have stuck our toes in, but I definitely have felt this drop, I’ve always been concerned with how she and I feel after, it does feel shameful at times for me , and this article helps me process ways to make things smoother for both of us to maybe indulge deeper into this world