BDSM long-distance relationships are hard, especially for those that are Dom/sub. It can be difficult to keep the dynamic going when you’re apart, and problems and issues arise. There’s also a lot of bad advice and tips on the internet. But even if you’re apart for just a day, or if circumstances make it so you’re separated for months, a long-distance Dom/sub relationship can still succeed. Both the Dominant and submissive have to work at it, though. So here are some ideas for rules to keep in mind, and a free worksheet to download.
1. Avoid Long-Distance Relationship Problems Caused by Technology
Technology can be a lifesaver in a long-distance BDSM relationship. Texting especially can be easy and convenient, but after a while, you may find it gets boring. Don’t neglect all the other kinky ways you can enjoy technology. Get creative and think outside the box, and soon you’ll begin to feel much closer. Here are some ideas:
- Use FaceTime, Skype, or Zoom – There are so many possibilities with this one. You could have a meal together, have phone sex, play games, or even have a virtual play session. Just prop up your phone or iPad in the room, and have the Dominant give the submissive instructions.
- Watch a BDSM movie together (“Secretary” is my favorite)- You can each set it up on your own TV or iPad and press play at the same time.
- Use an online journal- This is a must whether you’re long-distance or not. A sub should have a journal they can write freely in, and the Dom should have access to it at all times.
2. Overcome Commitment Issues as a Dominant or submissive
Some people get stuck in a BDSM long-distance relationship because they feel obligated to stay for one reason or another. Be honest with your partner about what you want out of the relationship, but more importantly, be honest with yourself.
Do you really want to be in a long-distance BDSM relationship when you could be meeting other people? If the answer is ‘yes’, then stop playing games, and work on building trust together. Here are some other tips to prevent problems and issues from arising:
- Be patient- Even if you were physically together before things became long-distance, the new situation will take time for both of you to become comfortable.
- Have real-life interactions- Show your commitment by making and keeping plans to meet face-to-face.
- Make a contract together- A BDSM contract helps both a Dom and a sub to clearly know what their roles are in the relationship, and what’s expected of them.
- Complete the free worksheet- It’s an easy way to see where you both stand. Download the worksheet here.
3. Create a Detailed Dom/sub Schedule
Having set tasks to do everyday is the perfect way to make a submissive not feel so lonely in a long-distance BDSM relationship. An assigned list keeps the Dominant in control of their partner, even when issues come up and they can’t be there physically.
A schedule also keeps the sub focused, because they don’t have to get overwhelmed with making choices or dealing with other problems. Here are some ideas for a schedule:
- Set wake up and go to bed times
- Meal times
- Time blocks for journaling or kneeling
- “Little Space” activities like coloring or watching cartoons
- A certain BDSM topic to research each day
- A set exercise schedule
It’s also important to schedule in aftercare for the submissive to prevent “sub drop”. Many of my aftercare tips work virtually, or the Dom can instruct the sub to perform each task.
4. Use Gifts & Games to Keep Things New & Exciting
Everyone loves receiving gifts. When a Dominant gives their submissive a gift, it reassures them of their affection and approval, which is vital for a long-distance BDSM couple. Littles especially need to receive gifts regularly, but Doms like getting presents too. Here are some ideas:
- A collar
- Stuffie or blanket to comfort the sub when the Dom is away
- Matching rings or other jewelry
- Kinky toys to use when you’re together
Games are another fun way to keep a Dom and sub connected. You can play games over the phone or text, and they are a great way to get to know each other better. Two of my favorite games are “Would You Rather” and “2 Truths and a Lie.” Keep it kinky and you’re sure to have a lot of fun.
5. Get Creative With Long-Distance BDSM Punishments
Just because you’re apart doesn’t mean that a disobedient sub can’t be punished or be given rules. Of course, a traditional spanking by the Dominant may be out of the question, but there are many long-distance punishments you can apply from a distance. Here are some ideas for rules and punishments:
Long-Distance sub Rules:
- Not being able to eat junk food and having to text all their meals.
- Letting the Dom choose the sub’s clothes or undergarments for the day.
- Texting when you go out with friends, and when you come home.
Long-Distance sub Punishments:
- Taking a cold shower for 1 or 2 minutes and having to videotape themselves.
- Snapping a rubber band on their wrist a certain number of times.
- Wearing nipple clamps and texting a picture as proof.
- Having to write the same sentence 50 times and mailing it to the Dom.
Here’s a list of over 30 sub punishments to fan your long-distance flames!
6. Take an Online BDSM Course Together for Step-by-Step Tips
Online courses are great for BDSM long-distance couples because they get you communicating and experimenting together, even while you’re apart. An online training program will help you deal with the issues and problems of a long-distance relationship. You’ll have a detailed, step-by-step plan to have a better, more satisfying connection, and to take your BDSM relationship to the next level. An eCourse is a great way for both of you to have an online mentor and coach, giving you reliable advice and tips to help you every step of the way. They also make a great surprise gift!
7. Set an End Date for Your Long-Distance Dom sub Relationship
Even if you’re having fun and enjoying your long-distance Dom sub relationship, it needs to end at some point. Hopefully this means that whatever situation is keeping you apart will be resolved and you can physically be together permanently.
Setting a date for this to happen will help both of you to endure the hard times, prevent problems and issues, and give you something to look forward to. So set an end date together, and work hard to make it happen. The free worksheet below can make this easier.
If you’re eager to learn from an expert, 1:1 Dom/sub mentoring is available.
Remember, a long-distance BDSM relationship isn’t easy, but so is anything worth fighting for. Follow the rules and tips here and in the worksheet and you’re sure to have success. If you can trust, respect, and support each other when you’re apart, imagine how powerful your bond will be once you’re together. 🖤
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