If you’re a Dominant or submissive in a D/s relationship, you’ve probably wondered about BDSM collar etiquette and meaning. After all, there are so many different types for different situations: consideration, sub training, posture, play, everyday wear, pet, protection, ownership, ceremony, and eternity, just to name a few. And what about a day collar for subs and other discreet jewelry and necklaces? Let me help you end the intimidation, and make your choice a little easier.
“Collar” meaning in a D/s relationship
In BDSM, a collar is a symbol of being a submissive, or being owned. There are no hard and fast rules in this though. Many people in the kink community wear them just for fun, even if they’re not in a relationship.
But when a Dominant commits themselves to a sub they will usually show this by collaring them. This is often done in a Collaring Ceremony, and we’ll discuss that later in this article.
The two types a submissive should have:
One of the benefits of keeping your choices down to two or three is that the submissive becomes attached to it. This is true both emotionally and physically. It’s a lot like how pet dogs are more anxious when their collar is removed, and calmer when it is put back on. Likewise, submissives feel secure and safe in their personal collar.
1. Collars for play and sub training
When you think of BDSM, you usually think of these types of collars. They are sturdy, usually made of some kind of leather type product, and can be locked. They will also have a d-ring/o-ring for the Dom to grab or attach a leash too (which is why these collars are great for pet play too).
The purpose for these collars is to train the submissive, and get them in the proper mindset for a scene. Before a play session, my Dom will have me kneel and he’ll put it around my neck. Other times, if I am being bratty or disobedient, he will put it on me extra tight so I remember my place as his submissive.
2. Discreet day collar for subs for everyday wear
If you’re not comfortable wearing a Play Collar outside of the house, but still want to show you’re in a D/s relationship, then a discreet, submissive “Day Collar” is perfect. This is a type of short or tight necklace, usually with an o-ring too. In an Owner/pet dynamic the collar can also have a small bell on it.
These types of necklaces aren’t as obvious to those that are vanilla, but you may get some curious or knowing looks. I wear this type of collar everyday, and if I ever forget and leave the house without it then my Dom will punish me. I’m very proud when I wear my collar, and it gives my life great meaning.
The BDSM Collar Ceremony and beyond
When a Dominant decides to make a lifelong commitment of owning their submissive they will often symbolize this during a Collaring Ceremony. Much like a wedding, the Dom and sub will usually say vows and witnesses might be present.
The Dom will then collar the sub, and they will be Dominant/submissive (or Master/slave) for the rest of their lives. While there may be traditional, “eternity” collars for this (just like diamond rings are typical for marriage), it’s really a personal choice and should be something you are comfortable with.
There can be other rituals besides the ceremony, that are more simpler, such as:
- Having the sub kneel before a scene to receive their play collar
- Having the sub bring it to the Dom as part of punishment
- Putting a “day” one on before leaving the house
Do all Doms collar their sub during training?
Remember, it is up to the individual Dom/Master/sub/slave if they’re going to incorporate a collar in their relationship. So with that in mind, not all Doms collar. It should be discussed during vetting/negotiations if this is something that is important to the sub.
There’s really no hard and fast rules when it comes to receiving a collar. If a submissive really wants one and thinks they’re both ready for the commitment, the sub can tell their Dom respectfully that they would love to wear a collar to show they are owned.
In the end it will the Dom’s decision. But if a sub really likes the idea of a collar though, they could also buy their own to represent being a submissive.
Self-Collaring: Can a sub without a Dom wear a collar?
Many submissives still wear collars even if they don’t have a partner. In fact, it can be a great way for a single sub to show their commitment and devotion to themselves. Wearing one can help them to remember why they chose this lifestyle, and can serve as motivation to become the best submissive they can be, with our without a Dom.
(If you don’t currently have a partner, be sure to check out this article.)
Also, if you see someone wearing one, don’t assume their relationship status, and try not to pry. Many single kinksters wear collars, and some people just wear them as a fashion statement. If you’re really curious, you can simply say, “I like your collar.” They may open up and tell you about it.
BDSM jewelry options for Doms
It’s not uncommon for a Dominant to want to wear something to represent his role as well, and there are lots of options for Doms, too! Many have rings, necklaces, or bracelets representing their Dominance. Others wear cufflinks, or tie clips with engravings. There are even keychains, too.
If you’re in a DDlg or Caregiver/little relationship, the “little” can also make their Daddy or Mommy a bracelet out of beads.
Collar etiquette and BDSM training protocol
Usually it is the Dom who purchases the collar for their submissive. In that case, the collar is the property of the Dominant. If the dynamic were to ever end, it should be returned to the Dom.
However if the Dom doesn’t want it back, or the sub purchased it themselves, it is allowed protocol for the submissive to continue to wear the collar if they choose. (See “Can a sub without a Dom wear a collar?” above.)
As far as rules about when to wear the collar, that is up to each dynamic. My Dom’s protocol is that I can take it off when I’m exercising, sleeping, or showering. To make sure that your rules and expectations are clear, you can include collar protocol in your contract.
CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD A FREE BDSM CONTRACT »
“Can’t I just wear a regular necklace or other type of jewelry instead of a day collar for subs?”
While I always want everyone to do what makes them happy and comfortable, collars are best for those in the BDSM lifestyle. Many vanilla people wear necklaces or other types of jewelry all the time, so if you wore something similar there would be no distinction.
There are other benefits to a collar too. Collars sit close against the sub’s neck, so the Dom sees it every time they look at their sub, reminding them of their D/s relationship. A bracelet or ring will not have the same effect.
Also, a BDSM collar has a different meaning than other types of jewelry. Dogs and other animals wear collars, because they are owned. It is the same for the submissive.
I hope I made BDSM collars a little less complicated for you. They are extremely beneficial to those in a D/s relationship, and also very sexy to wear. Have fun finding the right type for you, and be proud of the privilege to collar someone or to be collared by someone. 🖤
Subs are collared…
Slaves are owned.
It would have been nice if you would have also discussed etiquette of collars. For example… the collar is the property of the Dominant. If the dynamic ends, it should be returned to the Dom.
Not all Doms collar. It should be discussed during vetting if this is something that is important to the sub.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts on collars, Trace! It’s hard to fit everything on the subject in one blog post. ???? But it’s up to the individual Dom/Master/sub/slave if they’re going to incorporate a collar in their relationship. Individuals without a partner can even wear one too! It’s definitely a personal choice. Thanks for visiting! ❤️
My sub and I have actually started something were we both wear collars. Her’s is more the traditional collar to signify my ownership or her, and that she accepts my dominance over her. She has 2 collars one for public and 1 for private.
However, she also gifted me a necklace (collar) called a kings chain. Which I also wear as a symbol of my responsibility to her.
I have a collar however it’s not like one one the pictures show, it’s plastic and stretchy so I can take it off for my work (as agreed), it also has no loop on. We also had no collar ceremony, he showed me a picture of one and I brought it.
I am also new to being a sub but he seems to be legit in other areas, I haven’t been told what to call him yet or my code words as we have only met once, I also haven’t been told my rules and it makes we wonder constantly if I’m acting wrong in my everyday life
My Sir and I are long distance. He collared me with a pretty necklace with intertwined handcuffs. The handcuffs have meaning not only as a symbol of his ownership of me but also his career as a police officer,. They serve as a reminder and every time I touch or see my collar I say a quick prayer for him. I absolutely love my collar and could not imagine ever taking it off.
I have a sterling silver day collar with a locking heart which my Sir holds the key. I wore this for the first couple years and until we got married. My Sir gave me a beautiful necklace which matches my wedding ring and I have been wearing that instead because I loovvvee it! I do put my day collar on occasionally still, but it’s a little heavy. I have been looking at other styles of day collars which aren’t so heavy in case my Sir ever wants me to go back to wearing one all the time.
Thank you for including information about wearing a collar without a Master. Very thoughtful and helpful.
You’re very welcome! I’m so glad you like it!
My Dom gave me a day collar, and I love it. He got it on Etsy from Obsidian Dream. I know he loves the way it looks on me because he compliments me, and his eyes are constantly drawn to it. For me it is a connection to him in his absence, as we have a complicated relationship, only seeing each other once/week or so. He made it clear that this was not a “collaring ceremony,” although I did kneel naked for him to put it on me. Any gift of jewelry is special, but wearing the day collar is also my “open secret.”
What about collars for males sub’s who live in a FLR D/s relationship. This sub is marked (tattooed) collared pierced (Prince Albert) caged permanently never to be allowed inside any female again. There are not collars for males readily available or that can be worn in vanilla public without drawing unwanted and undue attention. This sub wears a titanium wrist bracelet permanently and has a hard titanium collar but doesn’t wear the collar as it is heavy uncomfortable and isn’t visible due to shirts that cover it (not on purpose). Even a necklace that isn’t visible again due to shirts worn. Thoughts or advice as to what would be available that can be identified as a ownership collar.
Male subs can wear collars too! And people probably aren’t even noticing as much as we think they are. 😉 The link above for CaptiveLove Jewelry has great options for men, including collars, cuffs, necklaces, and bracelets.
I love my pretty Collars…they remind me the whole day, where I belong to…its a great pleasure for me!!!
I love wearing my collar.i gives me a feeling of security.looking for that lifetime commitment,hopefully I find it soon.
I wear a day collar. He puts it on each morning as I kneel for him. It is a small O with tiny diamonds around it and it sits close to my neck. I take it off to shower or sleep. Even when he works nights, he puts it on me before he sleeps and I start my day.
As I am a new submissive, I only have one collar. It is the typical webbing type dog collar, but I wear it with pride! My Master and I had a private collaring ceremony, but it was just as meaningful to me as any wedding.
I understand that you are often writing from your female standpoint, but I see the male-perspective under-represented. luckiely I am the slave of my “Herrin” (Mistress) but unluckiely I seldom find my male-standpoint in the textes. What to wear as a slave? As a woman you can wear the collars you show here but what about men? I like to show my realationship to my Femdom but how can a man do this without looking “gayish” (I am not against gays. I respect them, but I am not gay). Its pretty difficult.
I am a Domme that has collared my male sub. He wears a sub bracelet. It’s leather with an O ring on it. And on the inside is a word stamped into the leather. He is only allowed to take it off during showers. And he wears it tight against his wrist so that when he showers and it’s off, he can see the stamped word imprinted on his wrist. This allows him to be able to be discretely collared. And I LOVE seeing it on him! When we’re together and he needs to take it off for a shower, I’m the one who removed it and puts it back on.
I found this post after googling collar etiquette and tbh I’m still not entirely sure what to do.
I have a casual thing going with a sub, I wouldn’t say I’m a Dom but we make it work. We’ve playfully talked about a collar for him and I honestly have an extremely visceral reaction to it that it’s just completely him and I want to get him one but it feels that maybe based on our relationship and the description of things here it’s a bit too serious for us?
In forced non-consentual (was drugged & kidnapped) had a heavy dog choke collar with a lock to keep it on that & torture pear 24/7 Though the high posture collar was calming I have not even allowed any thing on my neck until now, too many freaky memories 20 years agp. Up to 8 maenids! Mostly man haters! Was mostly sub am now about 2/3 dom & 1/3 sub have just recently started face to face activity.
I am looking for the color codes for training collars. I can’t remember where I saw it. If you can help me it would be appreciated greatly. Thanks