Sexually dominant dom man

The Ultimate Guide to Being a Dominant

In the BDSM world, “Dominant” is a word that’s thrown around a lot.  Being a Dom can seem very appealing.  Most are men who want to be more dominant sexually in bed, but also in their relationships, and even in life in general.  Unfortunately, there are a lot of fake Doms out there.  How can you make sure you’re not acting like one?  Or if you’re a submissive, what should you look for in a Dom?  Let’s consider what it truly means to be a real Dom.

Sexually dominant dom man

What a Dominant isn’t

To start, let’s focus on some of the warning signs of a bad or fake dom.  If they focus more on what they are getting than what they are giving that is a huge clue.  Of course the nature of a Dom can be somewhat selfish but they should always make sure that the sub is satisfied not just sexually, but emotionally and physically too.  Many new Doms latch onto the idea of getting sucked whenever they want, even in the beginning of new relationships.  But just like any relationship, trust needs to be earned.  A fake dom may say things like, “You’re not really a sub,” or, “A good sub would do XYZ.”  If you’re a sub, don’t fall for it.  And if you’re a Dom, don’t say things like that unless the sub consents to being talked to that way.  Real emotional harm can be done.

What is a Dom?

The definition of a Dominant is an important, powerful person who likes to be in charge.  They crave obedience and need to be in control.  They tend to be the “Alpha Male,” and that is why “Dom” is always spelled with a capital while “sub” is always lowercase.  A Dominant can take on many different roles such as:

They strive to exercise control in all things, not just over their sub sexually.  This means that they have order in their own personal lives.  It is not uncommon for a Dom to have an obsessive-compulsive personality. They take great pride in the health of their bodies, their homes, vehicles, and jobs, knowing these all reflect on them. The Dom takes responsibility for the wellbeing and the proper training, guidance, and discipline of their sub.  The Dom also maintains a stable and safe environment in which their sub may perform their duties in service of the Dom.

Challenges to being Dominant

Doms are not perfect; they will mess up from time to time.  They can still apologize without appearing weak by just admitting what they did wrong and what they will do to fix it.  Doms shouldn’t lose their temper.  They can get mad and angry but they should always strive to be in control.  Another challenge a Dom may face is going against society’s rules of being kind and gentle towards women.  They’re supposed to be the “nice guy.”  Many men find it hard to be assertive in bed because of this.  They may feel guilty always taking, but a Dom needs to remember that subs want and need to be used sexually.  That doesn’t mean that a Dom can’t be giving in bed, but just being more assertive in that part of the relationship will help them fulfill their role.  Ways a Dom can do this are:

  • Holding their sub down during sex
  • Tying up their sub in bed so they are restrained
  • Telling their sub what to do sexually instead of asking
  • Delaying their sub’s orgasm to show they are in control of it

One challenge my Daddy said he had to overcome was being afraid he was being too strict and hard on me with punishments.  To be honest I don’t think he’s ever gone too far.  I know that if I ever did feel that way that is what safewords and my journal are for.  If anything, I think I get off too easily sometimes.

How to be more Dominant

A Dom’s body language and speech need to be powerful and in control. They should also look the part.  They don’t have to be a Christian Grey, but they should be fit, have good hygiene, be well dressed, and not sloppy. Doms should have good posture and stand tall, being above the sub, often making them sit below them or kneel.  A Dom should also talk confidently and be direct.  They wouldn’t ask, “Where would you like to go to dinner?”  They would say, “I’m taking you out to dinner.  Pick a place.”  One of my favorite things my Daddy does is tell me to make him coffee.  When we were vanilla he would ask me, “Do you think you can make me coffee please?”  Now he just tells me to do it and it always puts a smile on my face to perform this simple task for him.

How does a Dom train a sub?

Training a sub is a lot of work and not to be taken lightly.  It is a very rewarding process though. When a Dom trains a sub they are molding them to be a better version of themselves.  Behavior modification is achieved through maintaining structure and order.  Subs thrive on a set routine and rules and protocols can help a Dom provide that.  The sub should keep a journal so the Dom can get inside their head.  Punishments are usually necessary to help guide and correct them.  It takes constant effort, but It is a beautiful thing when the sub becomes exactly what the Dom desires.

True Dominance is not just a role, it is a way of life.  Being a Dominant means they are held to a higher standard, but it is all worth it.  They will receive the ultimate gift of a sub’s willing submission.  ♥

What challenges have you or your partner faced with being a Dom? Let me know in the comments.

Keep Reading:  The Ultimate Guide to Being a Submissive »

57 thoughts on “The Ultimate Guide to Being a Dominant”

  1. I’m a somewhat experienced submissive ….. I was trained by a sadist who I affectionately call My Creator . Now I’m in a new relationship taking sub classes getting deep in my art. I recently became involved with a Daddy Dom who really doesn’t understand but is almost there … Is there a way I can help him? I’m not a switch but I do try to guide him which takes away from my little time. ????

    1. Felicia,
      That’s good that you’re wanting to help your Daddy to be a better Dom, and to go about it the right way. If you don’t want to switch or come across as “topping from the bottom”, I think the best thing is to guide him through your journal. You can write freely there anything you want him to improve or work on, and he can read it for advice. It never leaves your journal, so you can still stay in your roles and keep your little time. Once you write it and he reads it, you can act like it never happened. It’s kind of like a safe place for you to break character. I think you both will really benefit from that, and I have more ideas for what to write in your journal here. I wish you the best on your BDSM journey!

      1. Years ago I was, in my humble, cough, cough, opinion, a good Dom prior to knowing there was anything called BDSM. I HAD A GIRLFRIEND, AND WE PLAYED THE ROLES WELL. I am a Vietnam veteran, and spent 13 years in the military, until injuries sustained there, eventually prevented me from doing my job in the military. We were together for about two and a half years other than when I was away doing my job, and eventually she needed more, time wise, than I was able to provide due to my job In the military. I miss that fun, and after reading all written here I was good at being a Dom. I guess there are places one could meet other like minded ppl. How could one find like minded people in an area, which sounds like it is more in the open than my days, decades ago?

  2. My husband approached me a week ago about him being my sub..I didn’t know much about this lifestyle…he has completely done a 180 on how he behaves and things he does for me around the house..and we’ve had crazy intense sex…he works full time and I stay home with 2 young kids with 2 others in school…I find the last couple days been hectic more than usual and I don’t have any energy to do anything with him…other than get him to do some things around the house and cuddle…being in this lifestyle with the added stress of kids I’m worried I am.not going to be able to be a good Dom to him…can you give me any tips based on our busy life to make this easier and so I don’t feel like I’m.neglecting him..?? Thanks

    1. Hi Sophia! Being a Domme can be hard when you have a busy life, but you’re not alone. Talk to your husband about what he thinks will help him to not feel neglected. You can also check out my tips here. Keep working at it, and I can’t wait to hear what progress you make in the future!

  3. Is it necessary to train before becoming a Dom/sub? It sounds like a basic question but a answer would be highly appreciated- Rose

    1. Hi Rose! That’s an excellent question. I wouldn’t say that training is mandatory, but being educated in the BDSM lifestyle is definitely a must. There are a lot of risks physically, mentally, and emotionally if you’re not trained properly. If someone isn’t trained, I recommend for them to start really slowly and learn as much as they can, taking baby steps. This goes for both Doms and subs.

  4. Hello,
    I have been seeing a gentleman now for close to two years. He expressed to me with in the first 6 months how he was into dom/sub relationships. (Him being the Dom)
    I am completely new to this! Now after having read your article I see he may have been slowly training me leading up to be his sub. The other night I went against his wishes and told him “No!” After him having given an order.
    He has expressed to me since the days following that my actions have made him question whether I am for him.
    Now after having more insight on what being a submissive entails I want to try harder to please my sir.
    Any suggestions on how to approach him in a way that is respectful but doesnt break my boundaries as a submissive but still get my concerns across?
    Thank you in advance

    1. Hi Bree! It’s very important as a submissive to be able to express yourself freely. In this situation probably the best way to do it would be to write him a respectful letter. As a Dom it would be his job to listen to you, but also to put forth the effort to train you. Keep communicating with him, and I wish you the best!

  5. My husband of 22 years and Dom of 2 years, had an affair and was a Dom to another woman (who it sounds to me was manipulative and topping from the bottom). But the fact that I am no longer the only one to have been his sub, breaks my heart. I no longer want to willingly submit to him. He doesn’t deserve that respect, -he put his wants over my needs. When I told him, he said he no longer wants to have sex with me. What are your thoughts on cheating Doms?

    1. First of all, I am so sorry this happened to you. No one should ever have to go through that.

      I feel that if a “Dom” cheats, then it is a sign that they are probably not a real Dom. Or at least, they have too much they need to be working on personally before they can control another person. After all, they couldn’t even control themselves.

      While I don’t know your husband personally, I think it seems a little unreasonable and childish to withhold sex because you are not submitting to him. Again, kind of another sign he may not be a real Dom.

      You can both read this article about how a good Dom should act, but it seems like he needs to realize he screwed up, and has to earn your submission back. That is going to have to take patience on his part, and a lot of work repairing your marriage.

      Stay strong. ????

  6. I am in a new relationship with a female, and we both have expressed our interest into a Dom/sub relationship. I find it difficult for myself to be a Dom at times, because I recently lost my job and have been struggling to find work. I want to be a good Dom, but right now it’s slightly mentally taxing. My sub has expressed that she feels I am a great Dom and make her feel very good about herself and her role as a sub, but I don’t personally feel that way. Is my sub just being a good sub by telling me that I’m doing a great job still, or could she actually be telling the truth? I apologize if this seems confusing or improbably to warrant an answer. Any info would be much appreciated though, because we are both still somewhat new to this lifestyle! Keep up the articles, they’re very informative and very helpful!

  7. Thank you for this. My wife and I want to try this lifestyle and we are reading all your articles on your site. If we have questions is there a place we can ask? Thanks again for all this info!!

  8. Hi Alesandra – I may be going about this wrong – there is a young woman who says that she loves being submissive, completely. I told her that I would do some studying and research – because I really like her, and this lifestyle is actually very appealing to me. I don’t want to disappoint, but I understand that she also may not ultimately be a fit. I have to learn SO much…lol.

    Is the training helpful, and is it something that I will have time to do? I’m extremely busy with work.

    Anyway, I appreciate any help you can give me.

    1. Hi Daniel! Congratulations on getting into the lifestyle. I think Dom Sub Training would definitely benefit you, because you’ll get interactive coaching and practical advice for living the Dom/sub lifestyle. Plus you get to be surrounded and supported by people like you. And the good thing about the course is that after you enroll, you have lifetime access to it and it’s completely self-paced.  So you can always come back to it when you have time.

      It’s worked for hundreds of members, and I’d love to have you join us if I offer the course again in the future.

      Take care!

    2. Why is that I find here writings about male Doms (and female subs) only? There are many other options too 😉 I’d like to read some women’s experiences.

      1. Thank you for taking the time to comment, Fem, I really appreciate it.  I totally understand why it would appear that I only write about male Doms or female subs. Let me assure you that I would never want to exclude anyone!  You’re completely right that there are a lot of different D/s relationship dynamics and combinations.  I actually addressed the pronoun issue a little here:

        I am very proud of having such a diverse, accepting audience.  If you’d like to hear some women’s experiences as Dommes, be sure to check out Dom Sub Training. There are dozens of female Domme members, so you can be supported and surrounded by others like you! Thank you again for your input, and I wish you the best on your BDSM journey!

  9. I have always been the nice guy who would do anything for anyone and would just look the other way if walked on. There have been several times that I was beginning to have such high confidence, but only for it to get shot down quickly. I guess I cared to much on what people thought of me, and just wanted to be liked by everyone. But it exhausted me trying so hard to be this likeable person for everyone. So I’m choosing to change my life style, from the “super walked over nice guy” to being a Dom but to keep protecting what’s mine and giving to my wife.

    I wont lie this is something very new to me, I’ve never delt with the Dom/sub lifestyle until I met my wife. She says I’m not all that Dominant, but again never really have been,
    until we got together. (4 years)

    It is somewhat difficult for me to be direct and demand things due to being the nice guy. Makes me feel guilty, or think that I’m being this Ahole thats being abusive.

    I’ve always wanted to be the big guy in charge. I truly want to be the Dom that I know I can be and sub my woman. Is there anyway I can improve my self on this?

  10. I really enjoy your informative articles! I am so happy you have included the “signs” for spotting a fake Dom because that is a question I am often asked by people new to the lifestyle in my local BDSM community. Also, many many thanks for pointing out that even us Doms can make mistakes; I tend to be hardest on myself for that. Please keep the articles coming!

  11. The whole idea of, “looking the part”, assumes there is ONE way to look, assumes a long term relationship needs the theatrical parts still, etc., ad Infinitum. A 65-year-old, fat Dom is still a Dom to his 65-year-old fat wife/sub or his 30-year-old fit sub. And what about a differently-abled Dom or Sub will you hold them to a specific standard? Reread some of your posts and think about people who don’t look like you but are you in many kink ways.

    I do love your site and have sent three newbie Subs your way so far.

    1. Hi Richard! Thank you for commenting, and I’m sorry you interpreted it to mean that there is *one* way to look.

      Everyone Dominant (including those that are differently-abled) should be the best version of themselves, and obviously that would look different for each person.

      Lifestyle Dominants show that they take good care of their bodies, have self-control, and are self-disciplined. If a Dom can’t do those things for themselves, then they can’t really take care of, control, and discipline their sub. They have to lead by example.

      Take care, and I wish you the best on your BDSM journey! ????

  12. My guy wants me to be his dom but I’m not sure I can I’m naturally more of a sub ,and frankly I’ve only just learned how to be assertive.

  13. So I recently started talking to a girl and we have built up a good starting foundation. She is 100% a sub but still learning and needs training. I feel an emotional attachment and care for her and what she desires, both emotionally and physically. We both would love to have that D/s dynamic as apart of our relationship. We have a mutual friend that she has done a couple scenes with and has asked her to sub for him, not sure how I feel about it. Mixed feelings for sure, as much as it pains me to know I would not be the Dom in her D/s dynamic I want to make sure her needs are met. But not sure if it has been done before, I feel it has, but have the Dom train me on the Dom role while being the Dom for her, as to eventually allow me to take the control in our relationship once I am ready so that we can have that dynamic with each other as goal to be the Dom that she deserves in our relationship. If anyone has any advice or education, I will take any and all into consideration as there is never too much and it will only help things for her in the grand scheme of things.

  14. Hey! I’m completely inexperienced to BDSM and I’m completely new to it, but what I have found out after a year of scratching my head that I am a Dom. I am a woman however, and have no interest whatsoever in becoming a submissive. Are these articles also applicable to women?? As I’ve noticed that it’s targeted towards guys.

    1. Hi Ski!  That’s a great question.  I actually have quite a few blog subscribers who are male subs or female Dommes.  Sometimes I have to use the typical pronouns like “he” and “she” in an article, or else it sounds very confusing.  But whether you’re a male or female, Domme or sub, the articles can still definitely help you. ????

  15. I started my experience as a bad Dom the last time I got into this life style, and I don’t want to go down that rabbit hole again. I was new and yes i also read your guide to “bad doms” I wasn’ t surprised that I had several signs.

    I found someone quite amazing and I want to be the best person I can be. There are multiple points in your article that just made complete sense.

    Thank you

  16. Good evening.
    I am new in the BDSM world. I would like to say your site is very informative and I will continue visiting.
    Thank you.

  17. Hi! My husband and I have been interested in spicing up our sex life and are really interested in BDSM. We’ve done a few light things like spanking or hair pulling, but both of us are very new and don’t know where to begin. He would be the Dom and I the sub.

  18. Do you have more information/advice on non-sexual play? I don’t want sex from a partner – I just want to give up control. I’m brand new but I think I best identify as a rope bunny or little.

  19. Hi. I just joined a Dom/sub relationship and my girlfriend has make it clear that she wants to be my sub. The problem I’m running into is that I have trouble asserting myself. I’m very layed back and find that when I try to assert myself. As the Dom I always end up holding back out of fear from a past abusive relationship. I want to be that person but I cant get over the idea that any amount of assertion may lead to her feeling bullied instead of her feeling like my possession like she wants to.

    1. Try talking to her asking her what her limits are and taking it slowly so that way you don’t feel like that it hopefully this helps

  20. I have recently fond out that I enjoy being a sub and my daddy is doing great but I am concerned that he is not dominant enough how do I encourage him to do more

  21. We have slowly been exploring; and, learning this new life together. My wife has enjoyed our sessions thus far; however, i feel we are at an impasse (which is my fault). I am not sure where we are with satisfying her needs. I may be the Dom; but, it is more as if she Tops-from the-bottom. I am not complaining one bit. We have been together for 28 years. There is obviously ‘some’ trust there; and, I love her dearly; but, respectfully WE only became aware of her thoughts and feelings of loving like this after 50 shades came out. I’m sure common thread for you nowadays. Whether she from the bottom; or, me from the top…..I just want to pleasure her in any way possible.

  22. I really like this article! One of the things I’ve been thinking about lately is steering clear of the “toxic myths” of being a Dom.

    I really enjoyed noticing a similar emphasis on what a Dom isn’t, and on learning from mistakes – I’ve found so many writings which indicate that prospective Doms think that they or their submissives need to be somehow “perfect”. It’s especially frustrating when the expectation to be perfect is more on the submissive than the Dom 🙁

  23. Loved reading this….. me and my fiancée have been together for a bit now and she has expressed to me that she wants to be dominated and I’m alittle on the scared and nervous side because I want to give her what she wants but in her past she has been beat by men so is there any advice you can give to me on not being so scared

  24. I absolutely loved this article. It turns out I have been a Dom without realizing for a very long time and I am ready to embrace it now. I am in the process of training my sub but also training myself and this was great help.

  25. Well this is a comment I honestly never saw myself leaving anywhere ever. I’m terrified yet excited, my wife of just over 3 years and life partner just under 20 of them has recently asked me to “be a Dom, just once”.
    This got me to reading through everything I could get my eyes on the past few days and soaking up lots of information. The issues here are that I’m more of a passive person and leaning into such a role is a complete flip for me and my wife suffers from depression already and the possibility of how subdrop my effect her shakes me to my core but I want to do this for her.

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