In BDSM, “Dominant” is a word that’s thrown around a lot. Being a Dom can seem very appealing. Most are people who want to be more dominant sexually in bed, but also in their relationships and personal life. Unfortunately, there are a lot of fake doms out there. How can you make sure you’re not acting like one? Or if you’re a submissive, what should you look for in a partner? Let’s consider what it means to be a real Dom.
What a Dominant isn’t
To start, let’s focus on some of the warning signs of a bad or fake dom. If they focus more on what they are getting than what they are giving that is a huge clue. Of course the nature of a Dom can be somewhat selfish at times, but they should always make sure that the sub is satisfied not just sexually, but emotionally and physically too.
Many new Doms latch onto the idea of getting sexually pleased whenever they want, even in the beginning of new relationships. But just like any relationship, trust needs to be earned.
A fake dom may say things like, “You’re not really a sub,” or, “A good sub would do XYZ.” If you’re a sub, don’t fall for it. And if you’re a Dom, don’t say things like that unless the sub consents to being talked to that way. Real emotional harm can be done.
What is a Dom?
The definition of a Dominant is an important, powerful person who likes to be in charge. They crave obedience and need to be in control. They tend to be the “Alpha,” and that is why “Dom” is usually spelled with a capital letter while “sub” is usually lowercase. A Dominant can take on many different roles such as:
They strive to exercise control in all things, not just over their sub sexually. This means that they have order in their own personal lives. It is not uncommon for a Dom to have an obsessive-compulsive personality. They take great pride in the health of their bodies, their homes, vehicles, and jobs, knowing these all reflect on them.
The Dom also takes responsibility for the wellbeing and the proper training, guidance, and discipline of their sub. And the Dom maintains a stable and safe environment in which their sub may perform their duties in service of the Dom.
Challenges to being Dominant
Doms are not perfect; they will mess up from time to time. They can still apologize without appearing weak by just admitting what they did wrong and what they will do to fix it. Doms shouldn’t lose their temper. They can get mad and angry but they should always strive to be in control.
Another challenge a male Dom in particular may face is going against society’s rules of being kind and gentle towards women. They’re supposed to be the “nice guy.” Many men find it hard to be assertive in bed because of this.
A Dom may feel guilty always taking, but they need to remember that most subs want and need to be used sexually. That doesn’t mean that a Dom can’t be giving in bed, but just being more assertive in that part of the relationship will help them fulfill their role. Ways a Dom can do this are:
- Holding their sub down during sex
- Tying up their sub in bed so they are restrained
- Telling their sub what to do sexually instead of asking
- Delaying their sub’s orgasm to show they are in control of it
One challenge my Dom said he had to overcome was being afraid he was being too strict and hard on me with punishments. To be honest I don’t think he’s ever gone too far. I know that if I ever did feel that way that is what safewords and my journal are for. If anything, I think in the beginning I got off too easily sometimes.
How to be more Dominant
A Dom’s body language and speech need to be powerful and in control. They should also look the part. They don’t have to be a Christian Grey, but they should be fit, have good hygiene, be well dressed, and not sloppy. Doms should have good posture and stand tall, trying to be physically above the sub, often making them sit below them or kneel.
A Dom should also talk confidently and be direct. They usually wouldn’t ask, “Where would you like to go to dinner?” They might say, “I’m taking you out to dinner. Pick a place.”
One of my favorite things my Dom does is tell me to make him coffee. When we were vanilla he would ask me, “Do you think you can make me coffee please?” Now he just tells me to do it and it always puts a smile on my face to perform this simple task for him.
How does a Dom train a sub?
Training a sub is a lot of work and not to be taken lightly. It is a very rewarding process though. When a Dom trains a sub they are molding them to be a better version of themselves. Behavior modification is achieved through maintaining structure and order. A lot of subs thrive on a set routine, and rules and protocols can help a Dom provide that.
To make this easier for the Dom you can keep track of everything in a downloadable BDSM contract.
The sub can also keep a journal so the Dom can get inside their head. Punishments are usually necessary to help guide and correct them. It takes constant effort, but it is a beautiful thing when the sub becomes exactly what the Dom desires.
To learn more about training for both Doms and subs go here »
True dominance is not just a role, it is a way of life. Being a Dominant means they are held to a higher standard, but it is all worth it. They will receive the ultimate gift of a sub’s beautiful and willing submission.
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