In BDSM, “Dominant” is a word that’s thrown around a lot. Being a Dom can seem very appealing. Most are people who want to be more dominant sexually in bed, but also in their relationships and personal life. Unfortunately, there are a lot of fake doms out there. How can you make sure you’re not acting like one? Or if you’re a submissive, what should you look for in a partner? Let’s consider what it means to be a real Dom.
What a Dominant isn’t
To start, let’s focus on some of the warning signs of a bad or fake dom. If they focus more on what they are getting than what they are giving that is a huge clue. Of course the nature of a Dom can be somewhat selfish at times, but they should always make sure that the sub is satisfied not just sexually, but emotionally and physically too.
Many new Doms latch onto the idea of getting sexually pleased whenever they want, even in the beginning of new relationships. But just like any relationship, trust needs to be earned.
A fake dom may say things like, “You’re not really a sub,” or, “A good sub would do XYZ.” If you’re a sub, don’t fall for it. And if you’re a Dom, don’t say things like that unless the sub consents to being talked to that way. Real emotional harm can be done.
What is a Dom?
The definition of a Dominant is an important, powerful person who likes to be in charge. They crave obedience and need to be in control. They tend to be the “Alpha,” and that is why “Dom” is usually spelled with a capital letter while “sub” is usually lowercase. A Dominant can take on many different roles such as:
They strive to exercise control in all things, not just over their sub sexually. This means that they have order in their own personal lives. It is not uncommon for a Dom to have an obsessive-compulsive personality. They take great pride in the health of their bodies, their homes, vehicles, and jobs, knowing these all reflect on them.
The Dom also takes responsibility for the wellbeing and the proper training, guidance, and discipline of their sub. And the Dom maintains a stable and safe environment in which their sub may perform their duties in service of the Dom.
Challenges to being Dominant
Doms are not perfect; they will mess up from time to time. They can still apologize without appearing weak by just admitting what they did wrong and what they will do to fix it. Doms shouldn’t lose their temper. They can get mad and angry but they should always strive to be in control.
Another challenge a male Dom in particular may face is going against society’s rules of being kind and gentle towards women. They’re supposed to be the “nice guy.” Many men find it hard to be assertive in bed because of this.
A Dom may feel guilty always taking, but they need to remember that most subs want and need to be used sexually. That doesn’t mean that a Dom can’t be giving in bed, but just being more assertive in that part of the relationship will help them fulfill their role. Ways a Dom can do this are:
- Holding their sub down during sex
- Tying up their sub in bed so they are restrained
- Telling their sub what to do sexually instead of asking
- Delaying their sub’s orgasm to show they are in control of it
One challenge my Dom said he had to overcome was being afraid he was being too strict and hard on me with punishments. To be honest I don’t think he’s ever gone too far. I know that if I ever did feel that way that is what safewords and my journal are for. If anything, I think in the beginning I got off too easily sometimes.
How to be more Dominant
A Dom’s body language and speech need to be powerful and in control. They should also look the part. They don’t have to be a Christian Grey, but they should be fit, have good hygiene, be well dressed, and not sloppy. Doms should have good posture and stand tall, trying to be physically above the sub, often making them sit below them or kneel.
A Dom should also talk confidently and be direct. They usually wouldn’t ask, “Where would you like to go to dinner?” They might say, “I’m taking you out to dinner. Pick a place.”
One of my favorite things my Dom does is tell me to make him coffee. When we were vanilla he would ask me, “Do you think you can make me coffee please?” Now he just tells me to do it and it always puts a smile on my face to perform this simple task for him.
How does a Dom train a sub?
Training a sub is a lot of work and not to be taken lightly. It is a very rewarding process though. When a Dom trains a sub they are molding them to be a better version of themselves. Behavior modification is achieved through maintaining structure and order. A lot of subs thrive on a set routine, and rules and protocols can help a Dom provide that.
To make this easier for the Dom you can keep track of everything in a downloadable BDSM contract.
The sub can also keep a journal so the Dom can get inside their head. Punishments are usually necessary to help guide and correct them. It takes constant effort, but it is a beautiful thing when the sub becomes exactly what the Dom desires.
To learn more about training for both Doms and subs go here »
True dominance is not just a role, it is a way of life. Being a Dominant means they are held to a higher standard, but it is all worth it. They will receive the ultimate gift of a sub’s beautiful and willing submission.
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I thank you very much for that knowledge
You’re so welcome!
I really enjoy your informative articles! I am so happy you have included the “signs” for spotting a fake Dom because that is a question I am often asked by people new to the lifestyle in my local BDSM community. Also, many many thanks for pointing out that even us Doms can make mistakes; I tend to be hardest on myself for that. Please keep the articles coming!
Thank you so much, Ken! That means so much to me. Feel free to share the articles with others in your community. ❤️
I am looking for a Dom to help me with been a good Dom
Check out our Mastermind program! My Dominant does group coaching and 1:1 mentoring in it.
Years ago I was, in my humble, cough, cough, opinion, a good Dom prior to knowing there was anything called BDSM. I HAD A GIRLFRIEND, AND WE PLAYED THE ROLES WELL. I am a Vietnam veteran, and spent 13 years in the military, until injuries sustained there, eventually prevented me from doing my job in the military. We were together for about two and a half years other than when I was away doing my job, and eventually she needed more, time wise, than I was able to provide due to my job In the military. I miss that fun, and after reading all written here I was good at being a Dom. I guess there are places one could meet other like minded ppl. How could one find like minded people in an area, which sounds like it is more in the open than my days, decades ago?
Thank you for sharing your story, Charles! Fortunately, there are LOTS of online and offline ways to find local, like-minded people now. Be sure to read this article to help you on your journey. ????
I love this site. An abundance of info and focus on this Lifestyle. Thank you.
You’re welcome. Glad you like it!
I started my experience as a bad Dom the last time I got into this life style, and I don’t want to go down that rabbit hole again. I was new and yes i also read your guide to “bad doms” I wasn’ t surprised that I had several signs.
I found someone quite amazing and I want to be the best person I can be. There are multiple points in your article that just made complete sense.
Thank you
Thank you for your humbleness, Jan. That’s a sign of a real Dom. 😉
Good evening.
I am new in the BDSM world. I would like to say your site is very informative and I will continue visiting.
Thank you.
Thank you, David!
Hi. I just joined a Dom/sub relationship and my girlfriend has make it clear that she wants to be my sub. The problem I’m running into is that I have trouble asserting myself. I’m very layed back and find that when I try to assert myself. As the Dom I always end up holding back out of fear from a past abusive relationship. I want to be that person but I cant get over the idea that any amount of assertion may lead to her feeling bullied instead of her feeling like my possession like she wants to.
Hi, Kyle! Don’t worry about it! Doms can have all sorts of different styles, and stuffy protocols and all-serious attitudes are not that popular anymore. I know D/s couples that are super laid back, they don’t talk weirdly to each other, it’s just that in the bedroom during sexy times, the Dom acts dominant, and the sub listens and obeys. Every dynamic is different, and you can build your own, the way you want it to be!
Thank you for that. My wife and I have been married almost 18 years and she has recently opened up about always being interested in kink and I am willing to try, but I wasn’t sure if I was being a Dom at all let alone a good one, but knowing that keeping it strictly to our sexual lives is actually a plausable method I might be able to better give my wife what she wants.
We have slowly been exploring; and, learning this new life together. My wife has enjoyed our sessions thus far; however, i feel we are at an impasse (which is my fault). I am not sure where we are with satisfying her needs. I may be the Dom; but, it is more as if she Tops-from the-bottom. I am not complaining one bit. We have been together for 28 years. There is obviously ‘some’ trust there; and, I love her dearly; but, respectfully WE only became aware of her thoughts and feelings of loving like this after 50 shades came out. I’m sure common thread for you nowadays. Whether she from the bottom; or, me from the top…..I just want to pleasure her in any way possible.
I really like this article! One of the things I’ve been thinking about lately is steering clear of the “toxic myths” of being a Dom.
I really enjoyed noticing a similar emphasis on what a Dom isn’t, and on learning from mistakes – I’ve found so many writings which indicate that prospective Doms think that they or their submissives need to be somehow “perfect”. It’s especially frustrating when the expectation to be perfect is more on the submissive than the Dom 🙁
Thanks Pete! You can read more on that here. Take care!
I absolutely loved this article. It turns out I have been a Dom without realizing for a very long time and I am ready to embrace it now. I am in the process of training my sub but also training myself and this was great help.
Thank you for this. My wife and I want to try this lifestyle and we are reading all your articles on your site. If we have questions is there a place we can ask? Thanks again for all this info!!
You’re very welcome, Benjamin! The best place for questions is here: https://training.domsubliving.com/p/mentoring
Well this is a comment I honestly never saw myself leaving anywhere ever. I’m terrified yet excited, my wife of just over 3 years and life partner just under 20 of them has recently asked me to “be a Dom, just once”.
This got me to reading through everything I could get my eyes on the past few days and soaking up lots of information. The issues here are that I’m more of a passive person and leaning into such a role is a complete flip for me and my wife suffers from depression already and the possibility of how subdrop my effect her shakes me to my core but I want to do this for her.
My wife also suffers from depression and after only a couple of weeks of D/s (poorly on my part I’m just starting to learn this) her depression has subsided a great deal. She used to struggle with it everyday, now once in the last 10 days. give it a shot it may actually help with her depression
This was very helpful
Hi Daniel! Congratulations on getting into the lifestyle. I think Dom Sub Training would definitely benefit you, because you’ll get interactive coaching and practical advice for living the Dom/sub lifestyle. Plus you get to be surrounded and supported by people like you. And the good thing about the course is that after you enroll, you have lifetime access to it and it’s completely self-paced. So you can always come back to it when you have time.
It’s worked for hundreds of members, and I’d love to have you join us if I offer the course again in the future.
Take care!
Great article, keep them coming. Love ’em.
Thanks! I really appreciate it.
Thanks so much- younger man with experience dominating here who is greatly benefitting from a different perspective! I feel so much better doing the research from here and learning exactly the most effective methods to lead my sub.
Thanks for sharing this information. I have lived my entire life in a vanilla relationship but now I am getting to a new relationship that my partner is a sub and wants me to be a Dom. In my character I always prefer to treat women gently and respectfully and I am nervous about the new role. I don’t want to loose a partner but it’s hard for me to for example punishing her. What is your recommendation.
I’m really glad I found this article, my partner is an experienced submissive and I decided to take on the role of being their Master.
The hardest part is definitely being assertive and taking control in the bedroom but reading through this article definitely helped me knowing I’m not alone in that.
Thank you very much for your informative article! It was gratifying to learn about what is a fake dom vs real Dom. In a past relationship this lifestyle was introduced to me and communication was not there.
However, recently someone has come into my life that had her needs fulfilled by me as a Dom role for her (effective communication was used). She asked the question of “What do I want?” and at that moment it clicked I need to research.
Thanks for the info and looking forward to learning more!
Awesome article. After years of marriage, we finally realized what we are both about and embrace it.
I now take off my clothes and kneel before my wife and beg her to dominate me which she happily does. She decides what she wants while resting her feet in my face.
She loves the control and i love being controlled. There is nothing she desires that i will not do.
Can the Dom say he loves his sub without looking soft or weak. And what actions sexually might a sub think weakens the power or the Dom…e.g. eating pussy, eating ass, kissing her feet, giving her a massage. One sub that isn’t mine told me she would never have her Dom do stuff like that to her…
Great article! I do disagree with one small aspect, however. My husband is a wonderful, attentive and very effective Dom, with a very natural “dad bod.” He carries himself confidently and is sexy af in doing so. I don’t think the guideline of being “fit” is necessary to being a good Dom, and saying so may discourage someone reading this from stepping into the role of they don’t consider themselves fit.
Everything else though… Spot on 😊
I’m so glad you enjoyed the article! And just to clarify, “fit” doesn’t mean being a certain size or having a six-pack. 😉 It means keeping themselves in good health, engaging in regular physical exercise, etc. All things a good Dom would encourage their sub to do as well.