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Fake Dom vs Real Dom: 9 Warning Signs

Fake Dom vs Real Dom Fake Dom signs Dom red flags Dom sub warning signs Dominant red flags How to spot a fake Dom Bad dominant traits

In creating Dom Sub Living I’ve met many great Dominants, but I’ve also come across a lot of fakes.  I have also heard from many submissives about their scary experiences with bad doms.  I eventually realized that a “Fake dom vs Real Dom” article was necessary.  Keep reading to learn the warning signs, red flags, and behaviors.  This article will also help Doms who want to avoid bad dominant traits and qualities, and gain their submissive’s trust. Be sure to take our How to Spot a Fake Dom Quiz:

Fake Dom vs Real Dom Fake Dom quiz signs Dom red flags Dom sub warning signs Dominant red flags How to spot a fake Dom Bad dominant traits

DISCLAIMER: This article is just a guideline. It can help confirm your suspicions if your instincts are telling you something’s a red flag. However, just because a Dom has one of these characteristics doesn’t mean they are “bad” or a “fake”. 

I am also fully aware that there are a lot of bad subs out there too. So many of these points can correspond to them as well.  As always, all of my articles apply to both female Dommes and male submissives.

For a fast and easy assessment, take our Ultimate Fake Dom Quiz here

9 Warning Signs of a Fake Dom

1. They’re not dominant in their own life

To me, this is the biggest indicator if a Dom is ready to have a sub.  After all, if they can not control their own life, they are not going to be able to control someone else’s.  Of course, they do not need to be a CEO of their own company or be a “Christian Grey”. However, they should be self-disciplined and successful in their own realm.

Put simply, a Dominant needs to have their life together and be responsible. Then they can be responsible for someone else.

2. They are new to the BDSM lifestyle

I’m not saying that a good Dom can’t be new, but definitely exercise caution if someone has little or no experience in the lifestyle.  It’s been my experience that a lot of fake Doms are overconfident newbies.  They just assume they are Dom, because they like to control people and want someone to have sex with whenever they want.

A lot of times they are also just basing their knowledge on what they’ve seen in porn, vs actual reality or through mentoring.  A real Dom though, even a new Dom, will see this lifestyle as a huge responsibility and a lot of work on their part.

3.  Uses honorifics or pet names

I cannot tell you how many times I’ve been called “Princess” by guys I don’t know.  Using pet names like Princess, Sweetie, or Kitten before they know the person isn’t just a red flag, it’s hugely disrespectful.  So is a Dominant referring to themselves with honorifics like Daddy or Master and expecting the other person to use those terms too.

Pet names and honorifics should only be used when you’re in a relationship or both parties are comfortable with using them.  When in doubt, ask permission first.

4.  They’re “polyamorous“

Polyamory and other legitimate and ethical non-monogamous relationships are a lot of work, and should not be taking lightly. Unfortunately, many “Doms” put out there from the very beginning that they want more than one sub. They may use the lifestyle as an excuse to sleep around.  They may say things like, “I’m not like other Doms, my needs are very high and I need more than one sub to fulfill them.”

A sub should never feel pressured to go along with a polyamorous relationship. A Dom needs to prove they can take care of one sub before they expect to take on another.

5.  They need money or gifts

These are usually scammers or “cat fish” types.  For example, they may really want to come visit, but need money for the plane ticket first.  Or they outright ask for money or expensive gifts for the sub to continue their “training” or prove their submission. (I’m not talking about ethical financial domination, which usually comes after a long history of trust.)

Just remember that it is usually the Dom’s role to support the sub, not the other way around. This is true even if the Dom makes less than their sub. In those cases, they are still in their dominant role. They can allow their sub to work, to handle the bills, etc., but it is the Dom who is the Supporter, through their approval, encouragement, assistance, and backing of their sub.

6.  Lies, cheats, or has other bad dominant traits

Lying or cheating are childish traits and not signs of someone with maturity and self-control.  If the dom is in a relationship already, and their partner doesn’t know they’re seeing someone else, this is a huge red flag. It’s selfish, and many will justify it because they believe they’re not getting their needs met. A real Dom is more concerned about giving than receiving though.

They may say they have tried telling their partner they are unhappy, but have they told their partner they are so unhappy that they have started cheating? A fake Dom avoids facing responsibility for their actions, and it will be very hard for a sub to trust a dom who lies or cheats.

7.  Doesn’t know or address BDSM basics

Many fake doms will say they’re experienced but don’t take the time with a sub to go over limits, safewords, contracts, or training.  They may not even know what any of these terms involve.  They might even make the excuse that since they are “experienced” they know what they’re doing and don’t need to go over limits, etc.

This is disregarding the foundation of BDSM, that everything be safe, sane, and consensual.  Every new relationship should at least have a discussion of the basics, and every sub has the right to speak up.

8. Focuses only on sex

This is probably the most common red flag.  A fake dom may seem only interested in sex, or focus mostly on sexual training. They may ask for nudes or sexual tasks right from the beginning for the sub to prove their worthiness.

This isn’t to say that it’s wrong if a BDSM relationship is only sexual, or if a couple is only Dom/sub in the bedroom.  But if a submissive is constantly wanting more than just a sexual relationship, it’s time to reevaluate things.

Other warning signs that the dom is only interested in getting their sexual needs fulfilled are if they give little or no aftercare.

9.  Uses intimidation with the sub

This can happen even in vanilla relationships and is a sign of abuse.  If a dominant keeps the sub from their family and friends, or tells them they aren’t a “real” sub if they don’t do something, this is dangerous manipulation.

A sub should also never be made to be fearful to use their safewords, and discipline and punishments should never be given out of uncontrolled anger. Remember: a real Dom is dominant, not domineering. Make sure you know and can spot the difference.

Other Dominant Red Flags

There are other warning signs that someone is a fake or bad dom, such as:

  • Stops communication or pulls away without giving an explanation
  • Uses the sub as a maid so they don’t have to pick up after themselves (a sub is not their parent)
  • Always mentions they are an “experienced” Dom (they are probably trying to make themselves seem better than they actually are)
  • Extremely sadistic and takes scenes too far
  • Sends d*ck pics or other sexually unsolicited images

How to Spot a Fake Dom

A fake dom can range from a sleazy person or oblivious newbie, to a severely abusive individual.  The easiest way to spot one is to get them to talk and see what they’re thinking.  A good idea is to ask them, “What does being a Dom mean to you?” Or “What does your training involve?”

Another thing a sub can do is ask for references from other subs or members in the BDSM community.  If a Dom refuses to give references or just says their past sub is “psycho”, that’s a red flag that they may be hiding something.

Take our Ultimate Fake Dom Quiz here

Fake Dom vs Real Dom Graphic

To make it easier for you to know how to spot a fake Dom, I created this graphic.  Feel free to share it to encourage others to know the signs of a fake dom vs real Dom.

Fake Dom vs Real Dom Fake Dom signs Dom red flags Dom sub warning signs Dominant red flags How to spot a fake Dom Bad dominant traits
PRESS + HOLD TO SAVE THIS IMAGE AND SHARE

Unfortunately there are a lot of fake or bad doms out there, but the good news is that there a lot of real Doms too!  I hope the biggest take away you get from this article is to use your instincts and trust your intuition.

Submissives: please remember the warning signs to look for and don’t be afraid to speak up.  You don’t have to settle, and you don’t deserve to.

And Dominants: know that being in this role is a big responsibility, and commit to being a good example for others in the community.

Please click the social icons below to share this article, and together we can start a healthy discussion and promote safety and awareness.

Now take our Fake Dom Quiz and see where you or your partner ranks:

Fake Dom vs Real Dom Fake Dom quiz signs Dom red flags Dom sub warning signs Dominant red flags How to spot a fake Dom Bad dominant traits

What are some red flags you’ve seen? What were your Fake Dom Quiz results? Share in the comments.

Keep reading: Rules, rituals and protocols »

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Tagged With: Dominant, Fake Dom, Red flags, Submissive, Traits, Versus, Warning signs

Reader Interactions

Comments
  1. Jay says

    September 25, 2019 at 5:34 am

    I think that is an excellent supplemental comparison, Jenny! I am new to this, and am thankful my DOM is very kind to me. He is all the things you mention a good DOM is to be.

    Reply
    • Dom Sub Living says

      September 25, 2019 at 6:29 pm

      That’s awesome, Jay!

      Reply
  2. kC says

    July 14, 2020 at 8:49 am

    Well said ! It helped me

    Reply
  3. Terri says

    July 20, 2020 at 10:22 pm

    My Dom expects things from me that I’m already doing. Just for example: 3 days ago we were talking and I had to go for some reason and so I asked him if he wanted to continue now or later with the conversation because I know he likes to work before it gets too hot outside and he took it that I was displeasing him or ignoring him. We’ve been together and 2 1/2 years and now he says I’m having to be retrained as a sub. I don’t understand what I done wrong but I have apologized for whatever it was. He tells me I can tell him anything but when I do I get punished or reprimanded and treated like a child. I’m already knocked down enough by my adult children with one not having anything to do with me anymore and the other one just bullying. I’m homeless living in my car and having a stressful time of it. We have an unusually relationship. We fell in love with one another and sometimes I wish I didn’t especially when he belittled me and tests me like a child.

    Reply
    • Dom Sub Living says

      July 21, 2020 at 8:20 pm

      I’m sorry this is happening to you, Terri. It’s OK for a sub to ask for clarification, and let him know that you don’t like it when he belittles you. But I would definitely trust your instincts on this. A Dom is supposed to help you feel better about yourself, and help take care of your needs & wants.

      Reply
  4. Kat says

    October 12, 2020 at 8:54 pm

    I’m trying to understand all this,because I’m a submissive and it’s my first time and he’s already told me fear full things and I had found a contract for another female he won’t text me when I’m not in his presence won’t call me, and he dosent explain anything,like he tells me all the time I’m disappointed him but I don’t know how any of this works and he’s already tried taking my collar die to his purpose and I ask questions,there are no safe words in our relationship and honestly idk what to do.

    Reply
  5. Dana says

    January 7, 2021 at 7:29 am

    Thank you so much for all of the information you are providing. This article especially! I am a newbie and was approached by a fake Dom and was able to quickly identify and run the other way when he exhibited many of these traits.

    Reply
  6. J says

    January 22, 2021 at 7:39 am

    I’m fairly new at the whole Dom thing, and though I’m inexperienced I have plenty of knowledge. I’m helping my sub to work on self esteem, They know that if there is something they actually need from me they just ask, because long distance I can’t just provide all of the maintenance required directly but they are good about directing themselves and through some fun methods we can still play. The whole pet-name thing was her calling me master and wanting a pet-name herself and that was her asking not me doing that early on because it just seemed that early in the relationship would be weird but didn’t take long for us to really connect. So looking at these details I know that despite being fairly new, I have been doing everything else right.

    Reply
  7. Leslie says

    July 28, 2021 at 1:26 pm

    I would like to know where to go to find a real Dom. I have been at this for years, but have been unsuccessful. Six have been only in it for sex and money. The one I am currently with never wants to have sex anymore. It’s been months. It’s more like we are companions rather than D/s.

    Reply
    • Dom Sub Living says

      July 28, 2021 at 3:52 pm

      Check out this workshop, Leslie!

      Reply
  8. Robin says

    September 15, 2021 at 5:48 pm

    Thank you for this article. It is the irst I’ve found discussing a Dom asking for payment. I have been conversing with someone and all was well but out of the blue came a request for payment. Something just did not sit right with me. I requested a sample contract out of curiosity and was assured this was common. I’m happy to have evidence from someone experienced it is a red flag.

    Reply
  9. Jess says

    September 24, 2021 at 10:42 am

    I wish I’d read this article a month ago. I’m extremely new in many respects and I wound up involved in a few conversations with fake doms (I wouldn’t give them the respect of a capital “D”). The last one was extremely manipulative, used interrogation techniques and shaming to get what he wanted, and ultimately went too far. I found both my situation and myself unrecognizable. Fortunately I shut it down after a few interactions, but my newbie eagerness and yearn to obey got the better of me. It was a learning experience that I’ll never forget and with your help in this article, I will do everything I can to never go through anything like that again. Thank you, Alessandra, for writing this in such a clear and succinct manner. I’ve bookmarked it for reference when meeting future Doms. All my love to you, your resilience, and your understanding.

    Reply
    • Dom Sub Living says

      September 24, 2021 at 5:58 pm

      Wow, Jess, you are a strong individual.❤️

      I’m so glad you were able to get out of that situation, and I love your resolve and determination.

      I’m sure you will attract an amazing REAL Dom that deserves you.

      Reply
    • Debra K. Melton says

      January 11, 2022 at 5:09 am

      Jess thank you for sharing that. I am a new sub and im now getting ready to end it with my Dom. Thank you Alessandra i now know my Dom is not a true Dom

      Reply
      • Jennifer says

        December 29, 2022 at 11:09 pm

        My only comment is a question really. I’m very new to this but have always had submissive tendencies and thoughts. There are some aspects i already enjoy such as being restrained and spanked or even choked. I have never had a real dom before and have no idea how far my limits go. I’ve tried the online thing (kinky dating sites) but I’m not impressed with the quality of the “doms” I’m speaking with (they either seem simply obsessed with sex or want to jump eight into everything without explaining anything or asking how I feel about things. Unfortunately I’m pretty sure there aren’t any fettish clubs where I live. So how does a person find a dom they can trust?

      • Dom Sub Living says

        December 30, 2022 at 10:03 am

        Hi Jennifer! Sorry to hear you’re having trouble finding a real Dom. You can check out our training here to help you: https://training.domsubliving.com/p/find-partner

  10. Kris says

    October 9, 2021 at 1:09 pm

    Thank you so much for this article, and I, like a few others here, wish I would have read it much sooner! I recently got out of a messy Dom/sub relationship that definitely had some of these red flags, but I didn’t really know what I was getting into at the time because I was fairly new to the BDSM community. In the end, the lack of clear communication is what made me end this connection (although that is not the only challenge I experienced). Now I have a much clearer idea of what I should be looking for!

    Reply
  11. Jasmine says

    October 12, 2021 at 1:56 am

    Thanks for this very important information. I shall continue to read more. This has prepared me for the difference between the two and now I know what to avoid. Though I think with the way I am I would have been pretty hard to attract.

    Reply
    • Dom Sub Living says

      October 12, 2021 at 3:01 pm

      I’m glad you like the article, Jasmine!

      Reply
  12. Jove says

    October 24, 2021 at 7:36 am

    I’m brand new to this, only just learned what any of this entailed this week. A new girlfriend is encouraging me to be Dominant and I’m liking the effect it has on her enjoyment in the bedroom. I enjoy many many aspects of the Dom role (so far), despite never considering myself in that light. Thank you for this article to give me some goals to strive for, both in that role if she’ll continue to have me, and in my life to exemplify it regardless.

    Reply
  13. Amanda says

    October 26, 2021 at 8:30 pm

    We are new to learning and living the BDSM lifestyle… as we are both new and now working towards roles… I cant say my Daddy Dom is a fake, he’s just new and I know hes putting the effort in. How can I help him assume the Dom role and help him move out of past habits of our previous vanilla relationship where we struggled with power, respect, communication amongst other things.
    Weve been in a relationship for nearly 7 years, divorced now for 1 and still very much love and affectionate… BDSM has been everything emotionally I never knew i desired and as we learn, I see its also everything he needed.
    How can I help him be a successful Dom?

    Reply
    • Dom Sub Living says

      October 27, 2021 at 6:20 pm

      Congrats on starting a BDSM lifestyle! To help your partner become more successful as a Dominant, be sure to check out my new workshop.

      Reply
  14. A newb says

    October 31, 2021 at 12:17 pm

    Just wanted to say thanks for the article, I’m just entering a relationship and they expressed they like to be sub in the bedroom. So I am new and trying to figure things out. Reading the how to spot a fake gives excellent clarification on what can be expected from a Dom in general so I can appropriately address needs and wants, of course most of the above was discussed prior to entering the physical aspect of the relationship but this article helped bring up other points I should talk to them about

    Reply
  15. Eddie says

    November 16, 2021 at 9:20 am

    Thank you for this article. I have had no luck finding a good Mistress. All of them have been fakes (except for one, bit she found someone closer to her). My first experience was a “Mistress” soliciting pictures, then blackmailing me. Every one I have met since has demanded money (I’m not financially stable, so I can’t pay anyway). I’ve addressed this myself on FetLife, but I’m glad someone with a much larger audience is doing the same. Keep up the amazing work.

    Reply
  16. Jim says

    November 16, 2021 at 9:38 am

    I’m a new Dom per sae. Started investing, learning, researching, reading books and working with a Dom and Sub mentors. I’ve learned a lot and after almost 3 years looks like I finally might have my 1st sub. Exciting yet nervous. She’s definitely had bad experiences in past and I already know her hard limits. Thanks for extra info. I’m taking it as slow as it needs to so I can ensure I do it as best to my abilities.

    Reply
  17. Caso says

    December 10, 2021 at 3:33 pm

    I read it and thank you for your article. Right there are so many fake dominant online, I had encountered them often and they usually require me to give money or tribute to prove my submissiveness. I realized that that dom may not be a real dominant mistress, so can get away. Also there were some dominant who are polyamorous and they seemed not trustworthy and make me frowned.
    I hope many people finding bdsm partner online don’t disguised by fake dom or sub and lose money or their private. Thank you !

    Reply
  18. Andrew says

    December 20, 2021 at 10:20 am

    I am a Dom but I am worried that I am not providing what my Sub needs. How can I improve?

    Reply
  19. cody says

    February 23, 2022 at 8:37 am

    So my dom is trying to take away cuddles and hugs and physical attention and they just told me they wouldn’t be doing long phone calls anymore and because we don’t see each other it feels like a sort of fake dom trate and she is polly

    Reply
  20. Kaedyn says

    March 27, 2022 at 1:59 pm

    I’m so grateful you do articles like these for those who need them and for those who never knew they needed them until they stumbled across them. Well done!

    It’s a grotesque shame that some people use the BDSM tag as their ‘Freedom to be Abusive” card. BDSM gets enough negative thoughts from the mainstream world and having despicable people doing things like this just adds unnecessary fuel to an already-burning bs pile of logs. They don’t help at all.

    Reply
  21. VAKinksterD says

    May 3, 2022 at 9:55 am

    It’s far too common for the acronym “BDSM” to be interpreted word for word, opposed to it representing a bigger, far more individual and dynamic relationship. It’s a hurdle for – speaking only from loose experience – many. When I’ve pursued a submissive – or they me – some of my first questions are tailored around their interpretations of the lifestyle. If the conversation is led appropriately, it not only provides them the opportunity to open up, but also provides me an understanding of what their goals are in the relationship. I tailor my approach to what they are looking to achieve, but with my own flavor.

    Alesandra and Jay – thank you for providing direction to new and old Dom’s and sub’s alike.

    Reply
  22. DJ says

    January 22, 2023 at 12:04 am

    I have been talking to a dom online for about 10 months. I am trying to figure out if I’m being scammed. I am new to the lifestyle and want to be trained. So far, it has only been an online relationship. I have repeatedly asked for a phone call or if we can meet in person. We were supposed to meet this past July, but she said she got in a car accident, so it couldn’t happen. When I tried to end things, she said she was going to send pics to my church. She also said she was reaching out to doms in my State to let them know I’m a bad sub. I’m so confused.

    Reply
  23. switch2 says

    April 16, 2023 at 11:14 pm

    I had hired a pro domme (who had good reviews). Physically most things were fine but afterward I felt disrespected. This article helped put into words things that I felt went wrong. Like I never agreed to being called “pet”. She did somethings that were never discussed that a few days after I found disgusting, like having smelly feet.

    Reply

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 I’m Alesandra from Dom Sub Living.  Through online trainings and mentoring, I help new and experienced Doms and subs live the BDSM lifestyle to the fullest.

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