This is the article I never wanted to write. In creating Dom Sub Living I’ve met so many great Dominants, but I’ve also come across a lot of fakes. I have also heard from far too many submissives about their scary experiences with bad doms. I try to keep this blog positive, but I eventually realized that a “Fake dom vs Real Dom” article was necessary. A fake dom can range from a sleazy person or oblivious newbie, to a severely abusive individual. If you’re a sub and want to know the warning signs, red flags, and how to spot a fake Dom, then keep reading. This article will also help Doms who want to avoid bad dominant traits, and gain the trust of their submissive.
DISCLAIMER: This article is just a guideline. It can help confirm your suspicions if your instincts are telling you something’s a red flag. However, just because a Dom has one of these characteristics doesn’t mean they are “bad” or a “fake”. I am also fully aware that there are a lot of bad subs out there too, and many of these points can correspond to them as well. As always, all of my articles apply to both female Dommes and male submissives.
9 Warning Signs of a Fake Dom
1. They’re not dominant in their own life
To me, this is the biggest indicator if a Dom is ready to have a sub. After all, if they can’t control their own life, they’re not going to be able to control someone else’s. They don’t need to be a CEO of their own company or be a Christian Grey, but they should be a successful Alpha in their own realm. A Dominant needs to have their life together and be responsible. Then they can be responsible for someone else.
2. They’re new
I’m not saying that a good Dom can’t be new, but definitely exercise caution if someone has little or no experience in the lifestyle. It’s been my experience that a lot of fake Doms are newbies. They just assume they’re Dom, because they like to control people and want a girl to have sex with whenever they want. A lot of times they’re also just basing their knowledge on what they’ve seen in porn, vs actual reality. A real Dom though, even a new Dom, will see this lifestyle as a whole lot of work on their part.
3. Uses pet names
I cannot tell you how many times I’ve been called “Princess” by guys I don’t know. Using pet names like Princess, Sweetie, or Kitten before they know the person isn’t just a red flag, it’s hugely disrespectful. So is a Dominant referring to themselves as Daddy or Master and expecting the other person to use those terms too. Pet names should only be used when you’re in a relationship or both parties are comfortable with using them. When in doubt, ask permission first.
4. They’re polyamorous
Polyamorous relationships are a lot of work and should not be taking lightly. Unfortunately, many “Doms” put out there from the very beginning that they want more than one sub. They may use the lifestyle as an excuse to sleep around. They say things like, “I’m not like other Doms, my needs are very high and I need more than one sub to fulfill them.” A sub should never feel pressured to go along with a polyamorous relationship. A Dom needs to prove they can take care of one sub before they expect to take another.
5. They need money or gifts
These are usually scammers or “cat fish” types. For example, they may really want to come visit, but need money for the plane ticket first. Or they outright ask for money or expensive gifts for the sub to continue their “training” or prove their submission. I’m not talking about ethical financial domination, which usually comes after a long history of trust. But just remember that it is the Dom’s job to support the sub, not the other way around.
6. Lies, cheats, or has other bad dominant traits
Lying or cheating are childish traits and not signs of someone with maturity and self-control. If the dom is in a relationship already, and their partner doesn’t know they’re seeing someone else, this is a huge red flag. It’s selfish, and many will justify it because they’re not getting their needs met. A real Dom is more concerned about giving than receiving though. They may say they have tried telling their partner they are unhappy, but have they told their partner they are so unhappy that they have started cheating? A fake Dom avoids facing responsibility for their actions, and it will be very hard for a sub to trust a dom who lies or cheats.
7. Doesn’t know or address BDSM basics
Many fake doms will say they’re experienced but don’t take the time with a sub to go over limits, safewords, contracts, or training. They may not even know what any of these terms involve. They might even make the excuse that since they are “experienced” they know what they’re doing and don’t need to go over limits, etc. This is disregarding the foundation of BDSM, that everything be safe, sane, and consensual. Every new relationship should at least have a discussion of the basics, and every sub has the right to speak up.
8. Focuses only on sex
This is probably the most common red flag. A fake dom may seem only interested in sex, or focus mostly on sexual training. They may ask for nudes or sexual tasks right from the beginning for the sub to prove their worthiness. This isn’t to say that it’s wrong if a BDSM relationship is only sexual, or if a couple is only Dom/sub in the bedroom. But if a submissive is constantly wanting more than just a sexual relationship, it’s time to reevaluate things. Other warning signs that the dom is only interested in getting their sexual needs fulfilled are if they give little or no aftercare.
9. Uses intimidation with the sub
This can happen even in vanilla relationships and is a sign of abuse. If a dominant keeps the sub from their family and friends, or tells them they aren’t a “real” sub if they don’t do something, this is dangerous manipulation. A sub should also never be made to be fearful to use their safewords, and discipline and punishments should never be given out of uncontrolled anger.
Other Dominant Red Flags
There are other warning signs that someone is a fake or bad dom, such as:
- Stops communication or pulls away without giving an explanation
- Uses the sub as a maid so they don’t have to pick up after themselves (a sub is not their mother)
- Always mentions they are an “experienced” Dom (they are probably trying to make themselves seem better than they actually are)
- Extremely sadistic and takes scenes too far
- Sends d*ck pics
How to Spot a Fake Dom
The easiest way to spot a fake dom is to get them to talk and see what they’re thinking. A good idea is to ask them, “What does being a Dom mean to you?” Or “What does your training involve?” Another thing a sub can do is ask for references from other subs or members in the BDSM community. If a Dom refuses to give references or just says their past sub is “psycho”, that’s a red flag that they may be hiding something.
Fake Dom vs Real Dom Graphic
To make it easier for you to know how to spot a fake Dom, I created this graphic. Feel free to share it to encourage others to know the signs of a fake dom vs real Dom.
Unfortunately there are a lot of fake or bad doms out there, but the good news is that there a lot of real Doms too. I hope the biggest take away you get from this article is to use your instincts and trust your intuition. Submissives, please remember the warning signs to look for and don’t be afraid to speak up. You don’t have to settle, and you don’t deserve to. And Dominants, know that being in this role is a big responsibility, and commit to being a good example for others in the community.
Please click the social icons below to share this article, and together we can start a healthy discussion and promote awareness. 🖤
What are some red flags you’ve seen with fake doms? Chat with me in the comments.
I have experience already and was scammed out by few girls while saying they are mistresses and they own me but when I started refusing to send them money then they broke up. Each one I was contacted they asked first for training payment and after I sent the first payment they ordered me to get naked on my knees and send them the picture and of course after that came orders and tasks to send them money and gift cards.
I’m so sorry that happened to you! At least now you know, and can use it as a learning experience to help you find a real Mistress.
Great topic! My two cents — If you are a newbie sub, it can be hard to see the difference between someone who is DOMINEERING and someone who is a DOMINANT. Here are some differences as I see it:
Domineering: Arrogant, defensive, childish, threatens, loud, angry, arbitrary, overbearing, subjugate others.
A good Dom is confident, has nothing to prove, comforts, is subtle, controlled, thoughtful, inspirational, and elevate others. They demonstrate empathy, maturity, self-assurance, assertiveness, conscientiousness, emotional stability, and consistency.
They are BOLD but not a BULLY.
And just as there is more than one way to submit, there is more than one way to be a Dom. The key is for both people to form their own dynamic that works to fulfill the submissive mindset of the sub and the dominant mindset of the Dom.
I love this, Jenny! You’re so true that many think that a Dom means domineering.
My Dom expects things from me that I’m already doing. Just for example: 3 days ago we were talking and I had to go for some reason and so I asked him if he wanted to continue now or later with the conversation because I know he likes to work before it gets too hot outside and he took it that I was displeasing him or ignoring him. We’ve been together and 2 1/2 years and now he says I’m having to be retrained as a sub. I don’t understand what I done wrong but I have apologized for whatever it was. He tells me I can tell him anything but when I do I get punished or reprimanded and treated like a child. I’m already knocked down enough by my adult children with one not having anything to do with me anymore and the other one just bullying. I’m homeless living in my car and having a stressful time of it. We have an unusually relationship. We fell in love with one another and sometimes I wish I didn’t especially when he belittled me and tests me like a child.
I’m sorry this is happening to you, Terri. It’s OK for a sub to ask for clarification, and let him know that you don’t like it when he belittles you. But I would definitely trust your instincts on this. A Dom is supposed to help you feel better about yourself, and help take care of your needs & wants.
I think that is an excellent supplemental comparison, Jenny! I am new to this, and am thankful my DOM is very kind to me. He is all the things you mention a good DOM is to be.
That’s awesome, Jay!
Well said ! It helped me
I wish I’d read this article a month ago. I’m extremely new in many respects and I wound up involved in a few conversations with fake doms (I wouldn’t give them the respect of a capital “D”). The last one was extremely manipulative, used interrogation techniques and shaming to get what he wanted, and ultimately went too far. I found both my situation and myself unrecognizable. Fortunately I shut it down after a few interactions, but my newbie eagerness and yearn to obey got the better of me. It was a learning experience that I’ll never forget and with your help in this article, I will do everything I can to never go through anything like that again. Thank you, Alessandra, for writing this in such a clear and succinct manner. I’ve bookmarked it for reference when meeting future Doms. All my love to you, your resilience, and your understanding.
Wow, Jess, you are a strong individual.❤️
I’m so glad you were able to get out of that situation, and I love your resolve and determination.
I’m sure you will attract an amazing REAL Dom that deserves you.
I just had a guy claim to be a dom and when I asked him what that meant to him he told me to ‘google it’! A real Dom would have happily explained their understanding of what that means to them, wouldn’t they? Especially when they are being presented with an opportunity to gain a new sub?
Hi Jean! You didn’t ask him for the definition of a Dom, you asked him what it meant to *him*. That is a very common question of those in the lifestyle, and real Doms are usually eager to answer. I’ve never heard a real Dom say, “Google it.” Lol.
I would like for you to clarify your statement “But just remember that it is the Dom’s job to support the sub, not the other way around”. Are you saying that because the Dom in your scenario, i. e., your relationship, is male and the sub is female? What if the “Dom” is female, a Mistress and the sub is male, or if the Dominant and submissive are the same gender ? Are you saying that financial status is a prerequisite to be a Dominant, male or female? So if a sub makes more money than their Dominant, they can’t have a relationship?
Hi Kay, I’d be happy to clarify! 🙂
I think you may be talking about ethical financial domination, which the article mentioned but wasn’t about.
But in point #5: Gender, the sub’s employment status, and salary sizes, are all irrelevant variables. That’s why I mentioned it in the disclaimer in the beginning, that the principles can apply to Doms and subs of all genders.
The point of a Dom supporting a sub is that, even if they make less than their sub, they are still in their dominant role. They can allow their sub to work, to handle the bills, etc., but it’s the Dom who’s the Supporter, through their approval, encouragement, assistance, and backing of their sub.
Those are qualities of a good, supportive Dom, whether they are the bread winner or not. But the article was talking about a fake dom, who uses their sub for money.
I have been in the lifestyle a long time. What I read/hear about so many of the so-called Doms is infuriating as it paints the lifestyle in a REALLY bad picture.
When first chatting with a potential, I am always polite and open. I’m forward in stating my experience; that I will never push/demand for anything, each step is always at their pace and request; that I am not in this to get laid, there are a lot easier ways for that to happen; that I adore women, and thus My subs, and they are very close and dear to Me, and I am not here on an ego trip nor use/abuse them to prove anything; and I ask how much experience they have (or don’t), and engage a discussion about the lifestyle in general. The most common comment I receive is, “You aren’t like all/most of the other Doms I’ve talked to.” I take that as huge complement.
All of the points above are true and great. Thank you for the article.
Thank you so much for your comments, John. You are setting an awesome example for other Doms, and helping to protect our community. ❤️
John –
Is it possible to clone You and deliver You to my address?! Thank You for being true to Your art.
Hi Alesandra!
I love this article, thanks so much.
I have been in 2 long term relationships in my life. The first one was an abusive one with a clinical narcissist. He personified the domineering fake “dom.” The lifestyle he expected of me could have been considered a classic BDSM relationship. Except that I did not agree to it and even though I’m a naturally submissive woman, I refused to be so for him. And even though I am a masochist, I did not in any way enjoy the pain he inflicted. All because I didn’t trust him, I didn’t agree to it, didn’t ask for it, and didn’t get the emotional support I needed. As a result my needs were not met and I finally got up the strength to leave.
Fast forward three years and I am now with a true Dom. We thoroughly discuss what our relationship entails and what is expected of each of us. What is interesting is that a lot of what I enjoy with my Dom is what my former abuser tried to force me to do.
It really is all about the experience and intentions of the Dom and consent of the sub.
Very well put, Stephanie. I’m sorry you had that experience but I’m so glad you’ve found your true Dom. It really is about trust and the emotional connection.
Thanks for this very important information. I shall continue to read more. This has prepared me for the difference between the two and now I know what to avoid. Though I think with the way I am I would have been pretty hard to attract.
I’m glad you like the article, Jasmine!
Had a hook up over the summer with a girl I met while working in a shop, we got chatting, we had both been in relationships before, my previous relationship had been romantic, but anything sexual, I was definitely a sub, which was what I wanted, but the other person had been in a relationship with someone they felt was a narcissist, who had never allowed them to be a Dom, we then met up the next day and eventually decided to have sex so they could see what it was like to be a Dom properly. We agreed to use traffic lights, but they ended up ignoring this, something I only realised retrospectively, and the beatings were pretty hard, which in the moment felt fine, but yeah, they didn’t slow down when requested, oh well.
Sorry this happened to you. Safewords should never be ignored.
As someone who was in a long term “vanilla” relationship of which was very abusive while in my 20’s, I feel that this lifestyle can truly be healing as well as lovingly fulfilling for those of us who have survived domestic abuse. I say this because you are respected, cared for, cherished, and loved by a Dom who does everything he can to show it. However, I would advise domestic abuse survivors to stay single for an appropriate amount of time in order to heal from their experience and to get to know themselves again, so that when they are ready they have a better idea of what they need from their partner, rather than what they want.
Yes! Giving ourselves enough time to heal is very important.
It’s not only time. Trauma therapy with a trained trauma therapist is necessary, especially in cases of PTSD. PTSD doesn’t go away on it’s own. I’d say anyone who is afraid or unwilling to go to therapy after they have been abused, probably doesn’t have the maturity and skills for the complexity of BDSM. I was raised with abusive step-parents and grew up to be attracted to abusers because of my upbringing. I have allowed myself to be abused because I thought it was BDSM
and I thought it was sexy at the time. I allowed myself to be conned because I wasn’t healthy and I was susceptible to an abuser. Ideal, BDSM, as I’ve read it described is respectful and consensual. Abuse is not.
Thank you for your comment, and sharing your story, Rebecka.
Working with a therapist is just *one* of the many ways survivors can learn to manage the effects of abuse and PTSD. Therapy can be a helpful tool for many, but not all. So if I survivor chooses not to attend therapy it doesn’t mean they don’t have the maturity or skills for BDSM.
RAINN.org is an amazing free resource for any one who wants it, and Dom Sub Living donates to them regularly.
Every survivor’s healing journey is unique and there is no right or wrong way to heal. ????
I’m trying to understand all this,because I’m a submissive and it’s my first time and he’s already told me fear full things and I had found a contract for another female he won’t text me when I’m not in his presence won’t call me, and he dosent explain anything,like he tells me all the time I’m disappointed him but I don’t know how any of this works and he’s already tried taking my collar die to his purpose and I ask questions,there are no safe words in our relationship and honestly idk what to do.
First off I’m extremely new to this lifestyle. Far a the terms and set rules and guidelines. My gf/sub and I were just talking about this. She introduced me to the bdsm site were on now and immediately I noticed the difference between fake and real doms. I see immediately the dudes just looking to get some easy sex. I’ve read up On what makes a dom and realized I am naturally a dominant. I’m a very driven, caring, stern and protective person by nature so sliding in the dom role has been easy but also challenging and exciting b/c I have to reconstruct certain things in myself and the ways I’ve crafted my relationship for the betterment of my sub. I’m competitive and love the challenge and this has actually brought us closer. I guess I kinda rambled for a sec but I agree that the fake doms make it hard for the new ones like me to learn and I don’t like that
Yes, unfortunately there are a lot of fake Doms lurking on other sites. I’m glad you’re learning and seeing what makes a real Dom. ????
Thank you so much for all of the information you are providing. This article especially! I am a newbie and was approached by a fake Dom and was able to quickly identify and run the other way when he exhibited many of these traits.
I’m a young guy new to all of this, and my girlfriend of over a year is also completely new. I don’t want to domineer her whatsoever, but our relationship is already very sexual (and kinky for a vanilla one) and I don’t think she wants to be submissive outside of the home/bedroom. How can I go about making sure I am not domineering her when most of our D/s relationship will be tied to our bedroom? I’ve made sure to do after care after we do some of our most kinky things, and I like dominating her, I just don’t want to cross that line. Thanks for any help
Hi Jason! The best way to make sure you’re not too domineering is to have safewords and limits in place, and have her keep a submissive journal. 🙂
A great piece! I’ve written about fake Doms before on my blog but you’ve hit upon quite a few here that I didn’t think of and more worryingly a few I can see in my own husband/Dominant, mostly about not being Dominant in his own life and more annoyingly not picking up after himself. There was a time he used to write me task lists but every task was something domestic, clean this, clean that, tidy this etc. In the end, I said no, that’s not submission, that’s slavery. Only a few days ago I called him up because he argues that running the dishwasher is doing his share of the chores. He asks me to make his lunches and expects me to cook his dinners, and I’ve taken a stand. We’re supposed to have our fortnightly session tomorrow and he’s already making excuses about tiredness before it’s even Friday! It’s sent alarm bells ringing for sure and I’ve told him he needs to pull his socks up or let me serve someone else because this treatment isn’t kind of fair. Thank you again for helping me see things as they are!
You’re very welcome, Elena!
I’m pretty new to the BDSM life. Honestly I’m with my first sub most likely only(engaged). She’s a brat too and yes it’s a turn on to be challenged. She knows more about the lifestyle than me but mainly sub stuff. I lack some confidence in that regard for my own knowledge. For example she enjoys being used but I still struggle with that, you know society norms. I’m always worried to push it to far. I know some limits but even though we are super close should i sit down and kinda of start over and write it all down? We’ve talked about including other subs in our fun and I want to be damn near perfect for her before stepping out there! Basically I don’t want to a bad Dom, my lady deserves the best.
That’s awesome, Grant! Be sure to check out this article for how to be a good Dom. ????
Hi there this is such a helpful article!
I am relatively new to the lifestyle and only just scratching the surface of my exploration. It has cemented that the little pessimist in me was right in dodging the curve ball that is fake Doms. I am currently looking for a Dom to help me further Explore and in my search I have probably come across 80% fakes, 20% real, but of those 20%,Only 5% are actually looking for a sub the rest are in open relationships or just looking for a little fun online sharing nudes etc. Lockdown hasn’t really helped with that either! It can be kind of frustrating/ disheartening wading through all that to find the real thing at times.
Hi!
I have recently started talking to a Master/Daddy Dom. I have no experience at all at bdsm in any way. He likes to have 2 subs only and we will be sisters. I have a child and her has been amazing saying my sister will help me with my child. What I’m scared of is that I get jealous of my Daddy and sister together, and if I tell him I’m jealous he may get rid of me as I have no real experience anyway. Obviously he’s into DDlb and I’m worried I won’t know what to do or say, or what if I don’t get the hang of things. I really want to experience this but like you can see very nervous to disappoint.
Hi Camilla! If he is a real Master/Daddy Dom then I wouldn’t be worried. A good Dom would know you don’t have a lot of experience and would be patient. Jealousy can be a normal part of having 2 subs so he would expect it, know how to handle it, and be reassuring. If he is expecting someone who’s new to be 100% comfortable and experienced then he is a fake and isn’t willing to be patient and train. A Dom should be more concerned about giving and taking care of each sub, then just getting what they want. Be safe! ????
This has been a valuable resource for me from the start (9 months ago).
Immediately after beginning my exploration I was approached by a “Dom” who immediately gave me sexual tasks and created a shared virtual drive to upload photos of myself. I held off and found your writing. I’m so glad you wrote this and posted it. This great piece gave me the information and confidence I needed to politely decline then block him and move on.
Four months ago I was approached by a man who has very slowly explored my interests, fears, hopes, likes and dislikes. He has adjusted some of his behaviors to ensure I feel safe. We will be intimate for the first time (beyond the kissing and petting) for the first time this weekend.
His interest is first to protect me, guide me, explore me and help me to grow as he grows as a Dom. He says each time we meet that my submission is a gift and I choose to give it – the ultimate power exchange. If he falls short of my needs, it’s my responsibility to communicate and and ask for his support and guidance or a change.
This relationship is the most fulfilling of my life and I was married for 28 years!
Thank you for sharing your guidance with subs. You helped me immensely.
Hi , I’m a newbie who has wanted to explore with my sub side for a while so please forgive if I’m being naive. I have been talking to a Dom I met online who is experienced but very patient with my inexperience and seems to be understanding around my needs and wellbeing. He has been asking around what I from it and He doesn’t push things but I have told him I want to learn and Things do seem to be at my pace which is good – However I am obviously concerned about a ‘bad dom’ esp as I have nothing to compare this to – he did call me princess one time early on which I liked in the moment – but the next morning he text saying ‘morning princess’ and wasn’t comfortable and explained to him that I wanted him to wait until I fully submit to call me that all the time and he respected it. I have recently asked if he uses collars as I like the idea of them, esp day collars- he said Once I had submitted to him and he had taken my body and mind he will give me my own collar – would you consider this a red flag (the ‘mind’?) or is this quite normal kind of talk in a D/s relationship ? He does seem respectful and has said the feeling of ownership is an honour , and that a true Dom thinks of the needs of his sub not only of his own.
“The mind” probably just means he’s wanting you to submit mentally and not just physically. You could always ask him what he meant. 😉
All your articles have been so helpful
I just entered into another relationship and the guy was a definite fake d.
I like so many was in abusive marriage and I needed the same thing in my relationships. Not the abuse but the BDSM. The men kept telling me that they cared and that things would be different but they never were. They asked me for money and they took money they made me buy my own collars leashes and everything. It was only after reading these articles that I realized that this person I was with was nothing what he said. He was a true bully. I’m out nowAnd hopefully will find someone. Until then I’m taking a break and taking care of me
I would like to know where to go to find a real Dom. I have been at this for years, but have been unsuccessful. Six have been only in it for sex and money. The one I am currently with never wants to have sex anymore. It’s been months. It’s more like we are companions rather than D/s.
Check out Lesson 3 of Dom Sub Training, Leslie! We have a new section in the forums too, for meeting other course members. ????
My husband and I were always in extreme ups and downs during our ten years together.
Turns out, when we split recently, I had unmet needs to be Dominated and he had unmet needs to have someone submit.
To clarify: Sex was never a problem in our relationship AT ALL. Rather the power exchange we craved was used in all other aspects of the relationship – the wrong places.
After we officially separated but were still residing in the same house, he let his Dom out and put my bratty self in my place… I had never felt so content in my life.
Strange that neither of us had recognized it earlier. (Our personalities made it blatantly clear to my friends who, when I had talked to them about it, laughed and said “duh”)
Maybe if we had realized it ourselves sooner; or had been brave enough to communicate what we needed – the craving for power exchange could have been channeled in a safe, consented manner, and could have helped to keep our relationship healthy.
So now things are amicable And I have the real Dom I had so desperately needed in my ex-husband. Go figure.
Hi. I met this guy on a dating website (match)..and after talking for awhile he explained that he was D/S…and that he was a Daddy…he further explained what that meant. I realized for the first time in my life I was a submissive (Little)…and felt free . However as time went on-He just dropped . Hardly any communication, and no explainations of his behavior. I am really new at this and I am feeling kinda lost.
Thank you so much for this article, and I, like a few others here, wish I would have read it much sooner! I recently got out of a messy Dom/sub relationship that definitely had some of these red flags, but I didn’t really know what I was getting into at the time because I was fairly new to the BDSM community. In the end, the lack of clear communication is what made me end this connection (although that is not the only challenge I experienced). Now I have a much clearer idea of what I should be looking for!
Reading this article made me want to cry, it brought back traumatic memories from my marriage with a narcissist. I was so young and naive, I had that desire to explore BDSM, but I didn’t know where to begin or how. A narcissist to me personifies everything a fake Dom is; no communication, it’s their way or the highway (literally he called my parents and told them to drive 6 hours to pick up their daughter wouldn’t even call me his wife), he didn’t explain anything or let me adjust mentally, physically, spiritually etc. turns out he was just a narcissist sadist. This left me very broken, numb and cold to the point I didn’t feel anything and didn’t care anymore. I met my wonderful partner, a true alpha with a heart of gold and a psychology/sociology degree and he knew from the beginning something was wrong and how to help me heal. I’m so excited to have found someone trustworthy who understands me on a transcendent level, I never dreamed I had such a passionate soul in me! Your information has really helped me a lot so I know more of what to talk about and how to frame question or talk about topics, thank you so much!
We are new to learning and living the BDSM lifestyle… as we are both new and now working towards roles… I cant say my Daddy Dom is a fake, he’s just new and I know hes putting the effort in. How can I help him assume the Dom role and help him move out of past habits of our previous vanilla relationship where we struggled with power, respect, communication amongst other things.
Weve been in a relationship for nearly 7 years, divorced now for 1 and still very much love and affectionate… BDSM has been everything emotionally I never knew i desired and as we learn, I see its also everything he needed.
How can I help him be a successful Dom?
Congrats on starting a BDSM lifestyle! To help your partner become more successful as a dominant, be sure to check out my new workshop.
I dunno if I’m a good Dom but I admit I’m still learning. It’s just the idea that a guy willing to let me lead his life, his decisions or even let me control his sexual desire in bed is completely turning me on. I found a sub male recently and he’s driving me crazy. I asked his limits and he also asked my boundaries but in the process we learnt that we are into with alot of things that we want to do. I used to have a sub which pressured me to fullfil his sexual desire, which completely turned me off. I don’t like a guy who dictate what I want to do, I want him do what I want to him to do. Is it make sense? Or is it a sign of bad Dom?
Just wanted to say thanks for the article, I’m just entering a relationship and they expressed they like to be sub in the bedroom. So I am new and trying to figure things out. Reading the how to spot a fake gives excellent clarification on what can be expected from a Dom in general so I can appropriately address needs and wants, of course most of the above was discussed prior to entering the physical aspect of the relationship but this article helped bring up other points I should talk to them about
Great article!
Just a thing: what is this obsession with therms Alpha and Beta? i do not understand why we keep using them… it seems to me just a way to put people against each other if they do not live the life we expect from them. “Being an Alpha in his own realm” might mean so much more than just be successful at work, but these terms are so strongly connotated that they give the impression people have only one way to be Alpha, otherwise they are Beta and thus unworthy of love or attention. Because in the end using terms like Alpha creates terms like Beta, and we start discriminating people who might just have their own way of living, but are then not considered “good enough”.
I think it is time to go beyond these terms, what do you think?
Hi Matt! I’d be happy to clarify.
In BDSM, the term “Alpha” doesn’t mean “Number 1”, as Beta means Number 2. In the BDSM Community, Alpha is just another word for Dominant. It’s not derived from the Greek alphabet, but comes from a sociology term, which denotes a dominant person in a group.
Of course, being an Alpha in one’s own realm will look different for each individual, and it in no way implies they are unworthy of love or attention.
I hope that helps! 🙂
I was very recently approached by an acquaintance and he asked me to be my submissive. I have heard the terms before but once I realized he was serious, I did a search and ended up here.
Just reading about being a Domme (a real one of course) literally set my heart free – and it had nothing to do with sex. All my life, men have tried to make me a sub (and not even within this lifestyle, just being narcissists) and it never sat well with me.
I am about order and structure and I would always feel like I would provide that, no matter how much these men tried to make me submit.
But now, I’m scared. I don’t know if I would be a good Domme. There is so much I don’t know nor understand. However, this feels…right. Some of the things you have mentioned i have only done once and things that he has done before (his limits I think) I have never done before.
Thank you for being clear and making me feel more comfortable moving forward in this direction. That is rare in a website nowadays.
I’m fairly new at the whole Dom thing, and though I’m inexperienced I have plenty of knowledge. I’m helping my sub to work on self esteem, They know that if there is something they actually need from me they just ask, because long distance I can’t just provide all of the maintenance required directly but they are good about directing themselves and through some fun methods we can still play. The whole pet-name thing was her calling me master and wanting a pet-name herself and that was her asking not me doing that early on because it just seemed that early in the relationship would be weird but didn’t take long for us to really connect. So looking at these details I know that despite being fairly new, I have been doing everything else right.
Hey I’m new to this but I have some concerns about someone I been talking to it’s odd. I asked her if she could send me a contract and she said,
“ok that usually makes me lose interest but i’ll please you.” I’m starting to think it’s a bad idea!!
My experience was awful it was my first dom experience and what he did hurt me. He never sent me nudes even when I asked, wanted a three way when I said I was highly uncomfortable and made me find a girl. Next he never talked about safe words or anything kept talking about how his ex was amazing. And worst of all made excuses constantly and when we fought he never apologized ways called me stupid. I never lied to him but he lied to me. One time he said how if he could have a three way with Demi bagby he’d be complete. He got her to send a butt pic and his reaction hurt me. I had enough one day I ended it once and for all then he began being nice to me. And as for me I wasn’t nice to him. So here I am today with a nicer person who understands my limits and respects my boundaries. All I think about to this day was how rude and selfish he was.
I’d like to add that there are plenty of fake subs out there as well, but probably far fewer than fake doms. I got out of the lifestyle for years because of this, probably revolving around the time that the 50 Shades movies came out. Had a sub that called herself a “slave”, which is fine, but it became clear pretty quickly that she had faked her way into something waaaaay too deep.
Recently I rediscovered how rewarding and just plain fun d/s is, in reconnecting with one of my oldest friends and falling into our roles very very quickly with each other. We’ve both had bad experiences so we deserve this, I’m shedding a tear as I write this lol.
I knew I needed some guidance myself, and in stumbling across this site I’ve affirmed that I know what I’m doing and can properly provide. Thank you, the only thing I would ask is more resources on long distance, particularly for delivering pleasurable pain and non-pain punishments. I’ve struggled with it before, but she’s quite inspired me to come up with some sadistic ideas 🙂
Thank you for this article. It is the irst I’ve found discussing a Dom asking for payment. I have been conversing with someone and all was well but out of the blue came a request for payment. Something just did not sit right with me. I requested a sample contract out of curiosity and was assured this was common. I’m happy to have evidence from someone experienced it is a red flag.
I’m brand new to this, only just learned what any of this entailed this week. A new girlfriend is encouraging me to be Dominant and I’m liking the effect it has on her enjoyment in the bedroom. I enjoy many many aspects of the Dom role (so far), despite never considering myself in that light. Thank you for this article to give me some goals to strive for, both in that role if she’ll continue to have me, and in my life to exemplify it regardless.