In creating Dom Sub Living I’ve met so many great Dominants, but I’ve also come across a lot of fakes. I have also heard from far too many submissives about their scary experiences with bad doms. I try to keep this blog positive, but I eventually realized that a “Fake dom vs Real Dom” article was necessary. If you’re a sub and want to know the warning signs, red flags, behaviors, and how to spot a fake Dom, then keep reading. This article will also help Doms who want to avoid bad dominant traits and qualities, and gain the trust of their submissive.
DISCLAIMER: This article is just a guideline. It can help confirm your suspicions if your instincts are telling you something’s a red flag. However, just because a Dom has one of these characteristics doesn’t mean they are “bad” or a “fake”.
I am also fully aware that there are a lot of bad subs out there too. So many of these points can correspond to them as well. As always, all of my articles apply to both female Dommes and male submissives.
9 Warning Signs of a Fake Dom
1. They’re not dominant in their own life
To me, this is the biggest indicator if a Dom is ready to have a sub. After all, if they can not control their own life, they are not going to be able to control someone else’s. Of course, they do not need to be a CEO of their own company or be a “Christian Grey”. However, they should be self-disciplined and successful in their own realm.
Put simply, a Dominant needs to have their life together and be responsible. Then they can be responsible for someone else.
2. They are new to the BDSM lifestyle
I’m not saying that a good Dom can’t be new, but definitely exercise caution if someone has little or no experience in the lifestyle. It’s been my experience that a lot of fake Doms are overconfident newbies. They just assume they are Dom, because they like to control people and want someone to have sex with whenever they want.
A lot of times they are also just basing their knowledge on what they’ve seen in porn, vs actual reality. A real Dom though, even a new Dom, will see this lifestyle as a huge responsibility and a lot of work on their part.
3. Uses honorifics or pet names
I cannot tell you how many times I’ve been called “Princess” by guys I don’t know. Using pet names like Princess, Sweetie, or Kitten before they know the person isn’t just a red flag, it’s hugely disrespectful. So is a Dominant referring to themselves with honorifics like Daddy or Master and expecting the other person to use those terms too.
Pet names and honorifics should only be used when you’re in a relationship or both parties are comfortable with using them. When in doubt, ask permission first.
4. They’re “polyamorous“
Polyamory and other legitimate and ethical non-monogamous relationships are a lot of work, and should not be taking lightly. Unfortunately, many “Doms” put out there from the very beginning that they want more than one sub. They may use the lifestyle as an excuse to sleep around. They may say things like, “I’m not like other Doms, my needs are very high and I need more than one sub to fulfill them.”
A sub should never feel pressured to go along with a polyamorous relationship. A Dom needs to prove they can take care of one sub before they expect to take on another.
5. They need money or gifts
These are usually scammers or “cat fish” types. For example, they may really want to come visit, but need money for the plane ticket first. Or they outright ask for money or expensive gifts for the sub to continue their “training” or prove their submission. (I’m not talking about ethical financial domination, which usually comes after a long history of trust.)
Just remember that it is usually the Dom’s role to support the sub, not the other way around. This is true even if the Dom makes less than their sub. In those cases, they are still in their dominant role. They can allow their sub to work, to handle the bills, etc., but it is the Dom who is the Supporter, through their approval, encouragement, assistance, and backing of their sub.
6. Lies, cheats, or has other bad dominant traits
Lying or cheating are childish traits and not signs of someone with maturity and self-control. If the dom is in a relationship already, and their partner doesn’t know they’re seeing someone else, this is a huge red flag. It’s selfish, and many will justify it because they believe they’re not getting their needs met. A real Dom is more concerned about giving than receiving though.
They may say they have tried telling their partner they are unhappy, but have they told their partner they are so unhappy that they have started cheating? A fake Dom avoids facing responsibility for their actions, and it will be very hard for a sub to trust a dom who lies or cheats.
7. Doesn’t know or address BDSM basics
Many fake doms will say they’re experienced but don’t take the time with a sub to go over limits, safewords, contracts, or training. They may not even know what any of these terms involve. They might even make the excuse that since they are “experienced” they know what they’re doing and don’t need to go over limits, etc.
This is disregarding the foundation of BDSM, that everything be safe, sane, and consensual. Every new relationship should at least have a discussion of the basics, and every sub has the right to speak up.
8. Focuses only on sex
This is probably the most common red flag. A fake dom may seem only interested in sex, or focus mostly on sexual training. They may ask for nudes or sexual tasks right from the beginning for the sub to prove their worthiness.
This isn’t to say that it’s wrong if a BDSM relationship is only sexual, or if a couple is only Dom/sub in the bedroom. But if a submissive is constantly wanting more than just a sexual relationship, it’s time to reevaluate things.
Other warning signs that the dom is only interested in getting their sexual needs fulfilled are if they give little or no aftercare.
9. Uses intimidation with the sub
This can happen even in vanilla relationships and is a sign of abuse. If a dominant keeps the sub from their family and friends, or tells them they aren’t a “real” sub if they don’t do something, this is dangerous manipulation.
A sub should also never be made to be fearful to use their safewords, and discipline and punishments should never be given out of uncontrolled anger. Remember: a real Dom is dominant, not domineering. Make sure you know and can spot the difference.
Other Dominant Red Flags
There are other warning signs that someone is a fake or bad dom, such as:
- Stops communication or pulls away without giving an explanation
- Uses the sub as a maid so they don’t have to pick up after themselves (a sub is not their parent)
- Always mentions they are an “experienced” Dom (they are probably trying to make themselves seem better than they actually are)
- Extremely sadistic and takes scenes too far
- Sends d*ck pics or other sexually unsolicited images
How to Spot a Fake Dom
A fake dom can range from a sleazy person or oblivious newbie, to a severely abusive individual. The easiest way to spot a fake dom is to get them to talk and see what they’re thinking. A good idea is to ask them, “What does being a Dom mean to you?” Or “What does your training involve?”
Another thing a sub can do is ask for references from other subs or members in the BDSM community. If a Dom refuses to give references or just says their past sub is “psycho”, that’s a red flag that they may be hiding something.
Fake Dom vs Real Dom Graphic
To make it easier for you to know how to spot a fake Dom, I created this graphic. Feel free to share it to encourage others to know the signs of a fake dom vs real Dom.
Unfortunately there are a lot of fake or bad doms out there, but the good news is that there a lot of real Doms too! I hope the biggest take away you get from this article is to use your instincts and trust your intuition.
Submissives: please remember the warning signs to look for and don’t be afraid to speak up. You don’t have to settle, and you don’t deserve to.
And Dominants: know that being in this role is a big responsibility, and commit to being a good example for others in the community.
Please click the social icons below to share this article, and together we can start a healthy discussion and promote safety and awareness.
I think that is an excellent supplemental comparison, Jenny! I am new to this, and am thankful my DOM is very kind to me. He is all the things you mention a good DOM is to be.
That’s awesome, Jay!
Well said ! It helped me
My Dom expects things from me that I’m already doing. Just for example: 3 days ago we were talking and I had to go for some reason and so I asked him if he wanted to continue now or later with the conversation because I know he likes to work before it gets too hot outside and he took it that I was displeasing him or ignoring him. We’ve been together and 2 1/2 years and now he says I’m having to be retrained as a sub. I don’t understand what I done wrong but I have apologized for whatever it was. He tells me I can tell him anything but when I do I get punished or reprimanded and treated like a child. I’m already knocked down enough by my adult children with one not having anything to do with me anymore and the other one just bullying. I’m homeless living in my car and having a stressful time of it. We have an unusually relationship. We fell in love with one another and sometimes I wish I didn’t especially when he belittled me and tests me like a child.
I’m sorry this is happening to you, Terri. It’s OK for a sub to ask for clarification, and let him know that you don’t like it when he belittles you. But I would definitely trust your instincts on this. A Dom is supposed to help you feel better about yourself, and help take care of your needs & wants.
I’m trying to understand all this,because I’m a submissive and it’s my first time and he’s already told me fear full things and I had found a contract for another female he won’t text me when I’m not in his presence won’t call me, and he dosent explain anything,like he tells me all the time I’m disappointed him but I don’t know how any of this works and he’s already tried taking my collar die to his purpose and I ask questions,there are no safe words in our relationship and honestly idk what to do.
Thank you so much for all of the information you are providing. This article especially! I am a newbie and was approached by a fake Dom and was able to quickly identify and run the other way when he exhibited many of these traits.
I’m fairly new at the whole Dom thing, and though I’m inexperienced I have plenty of knowledge. I’m helping my sub to work on self esteem, They know that if there is something they actually need from me they just ask, because long distance I can’t just provide all of the maintenance required directly but they are good about directing themselves and through some fun methods we can still play. The whole pet-name thing was her calling me master and wanting a pet-name herself and that was her asking not me doing that early on because it just seemed that early in the relationship would be weird but didn’t take long for us to really connect. So looking at these details I know that despite being fairly new, I have been doing everything else right.
I would like to know where to go to find a real Dom. I have been at this for years, but have been unsuccessful. Six have been only in it for sex and money. The one I am currently with never wants to have sex anymore. It’s been months. It’s more like we are companions rather than D/s.
Check out this workshop, Leslie!
Thank you for this article. It is the irst I’ve found discussing a Dom asking for payment. I have been conversing with someone and all was well but out of the blue came a request for payment. Something just did not sit right with me. I requested a sample contract out of curiosity and was assured this was common. I’m happy to have evidence from someone experienced it is a red flag.
I wish I’d read this article a month ago. I’m extremely new in many respects and I wound up involved in a few conversations with fake doms (I wouldn’t give them the respect of a capital “D”). The last one was extremely manipulative, used interrogation techniques and shaming to get what he wanted, and ultimately went too far. I found both my situation and myself unrecognizable. Fortunately I shut it down after a few interactions, but my newbie eagerness and yearn to obey got the better of me. It was a learning experience that I’ll never forget and with your help in this article, I will do everything I can to never go through anything like that again. Thank you, Alessandra, for writing this in such a clear and succinct manner. I’ve bookmarked it for reference when meeting future Doms. All my love to you, your resilience, and your understanding.
Wow, Jess, you are a strong individual.❤️
I’m so glad you were able to get out of that situation, and I love your resolve and determination.
I’m sure you will attract an amazing REAL Dom that deserves you.
Thank you so much for this article, and I, like a few others here, wish I would have read it much sooner! I recently got out of a messy Dom/sub relationship that definitely had some of these red flags, but I didn’t really know what I was getting into at the time because I was fairly new to the BDSM community. In the end, the lack of clear communication is what made me end this connection (although that is not the only challenge I experienced). Now I have a much clearer idea of what I should be looking for!
Thanks for this very important information. I shall continue to read more. This has prepared me for the difference between the two and now I know what to avoid. Though I think with the way I am I would have been pretty hard to attract.
I’m glad you like the article, Jasmine!
I’m brand new to this, only just learned what any of this entailed this week. A new girlfriend is encouraging me to be Dominant and I’m liking the effect it has on her enjoyment in the bedroom. I enjoy many many aspects of the Dom role (so far), despite never considering myself in that light. Thank you for this article to give me some goals to strive for, both in that role if she’ll continue to have me, and in my life to exemplify it regardless.
We are new to learning and living the BDSM lifestyle… as we are both new and now working towards roles… I cant say my Daddy Dom is a fake, he’s just new and I know hes putting the effort in. How can I help him assume the Dom role and help him move out of past habits of our previous vanilla relationship where we struggled with power, respect, communication amongst other things.
Weve been in a relationship for nearly 7 years, divorced now for 1 and still very much love and affectionate… BDSM has been everything emotionally I never knew i desired and as we learn, I see its also everything he needed.
How can I help him be a successful Dom?
Congrats on starting a BDSM lifestyle! To help your partner become more successful as a Dominant, be sure to check out my new workshop.
Just wanted to say thanks for the article, I’m just entering a relationship and they expressed they like to be sub in the bedroom. So I am new and trying to figure things out. Reading the how to spot a fake gives excellent clarification on what can be expected from a Dom in general so I can appropriately address needs and wants, of course most of the above was discussed prior to entering the physical aspect of the relationship but this article helped bring up other points I should talk to them about
Thank you for this article. I have had no luck finding a good Mistress. All of them have been fakes (except for one, bit she found someone closer to her). My first experience was a “Mistress” soliciting pictures, then blackmailing me. Every one I have met since has demanded money (I’m not financially stable, so I can’t pay anyway). I’ve addressed this myself on FetLife, but I’m glad someone with a much larger audience is doing the same. Keep up the amazing work.
I’m a new Dom per sae. Started investing, learning, researching, reading books and working with a Dom and Sub mentors. I’ve learned a lot and after almost 3 years looks like I finally might have my 1st sub. Exciting yet nervous. She’s definitely had bad experiences in past and I already know her hard limits. Thanks for extra info. I’m taking it as slow as it needs to so I can ensure I do it as best to my abilities.
I read it and thank you for your article. Right there are so many fake dominant online, I had encountered them often and they usually require me to give money or tribute to prove my submissiveness. I realized that that dom may not be a real dominant mistress, so can get away. Also there were some dominant who are polyamorous and they seemed not trustworthy and make me frowned.
I hope many people finding bdsm partner online don’t disguised by fake dom or sub and lose money or their private. Thank you !
I am a Dom but I am worried that I am not providing what my Sub needs. How can I improve?
Jess thank you for sharing that. I am a new sub and im now getting ready to end it with my Dom. Thank you Alessandra i now know my Dom is not a true Dom
So my dom is trying to take away cuddles and hugs and physical attention and they just told me they wouldn’t be doing long phone calls anymore and because we don’t see each other it feels like a sort of fake dom trate and she is polly
I’m so grateful you do articles like these for those who need them and for those who never knew they needed them until they stumbled across them. Well done!
It’s a grotesque shame that some people use the BDSM tag as their ‘Freedom to be Abusive” card. BDSM gets enough negative thoughts from the mainstream world and having despicable people doing things like this just adds unnecessary fuel to an already-burning bs pile of logs. They don’t help at all.
It’s far too common for the acronym “BDSM” to be interpreted word for word, opposed to it representing a bigger, far more individual and dynamic relationship. It’s a hurdle for – speaking only from loose experience – many. When I’ve pursued a submissive – or they me – some of my first questions are tailored around their interpretations of the lifestyle. If the conversation is led appropriately, it not only provides them the opportunity to open up, but also provides me an understanding of what their goals are in the relationship. I tailor my approach to what they are looking to achieve, but with my own flavor.
Alesandra and Jay – thank you for providing direction to new and old Dom’s and sub’s alike.