Serving a Dominant is a very fulfilling lifestyle. However, many submissive beginners are lost. Many times they are just looking for someone to fix them, to make them feel complete. But being a sub in a BDSM relationship is a lot of work – physically, mentally, and sexually. How can they successfully meet the challenge? In this article you’ll learn the real meaning of how to be a good sub in a D/s relationship.
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What a submissive isn’t
First and foremost, a sub is not a doormat. They have feelings and needs and so they shouldn’t serve apathetically or reluctantly. A real Dom wouldn’t want a doormat anyway. They want someone who truly desires to be owned.
Being a sub also isn’t consenting to being abused. Unlike BDSM, abuse has no limits or safewords. If you are a sub in a D/s relationship, be very careful not to give your submission to just anyone. True submission has to be earned first. There are many bad and fake Doms out there, and even predators pretending to be Doms.
What is a sub?
The definition of a submissive is a person who is consensually obedient and compliant to their partner, and who also likes to give up control. They crave being used and need to serve. They are the subservient partner of a relationship and that is why “sub” is usually spelled with a lowercase while “Dom” is usually capital. A submissive can take on many different roles such as:
They strive to please their Dom in all things, not just sexually. This means that they may have to give up some of their own personal freedoms and preferences.
It is not uncommon for a sub to have a mild and quiet personality while in the presence of their Dom. They are obedient, and accept discipline when needed. Subs in a D/s relationship aim to conduct themselves in a respectful and modest manner at all times, recognizing that their behavior is a direct reflection on their Dom.
Challenges to being submissive in a D/s relationship
Subs are not perfect; they will mess up from time to time. There’s also the fact that in a 24/7 relationship there are stressors like full-time jobs and children. It can be hard to work on behavior modification and serving someone else when you are tired and pressed for time. And a test to many is being obedient even when not in the presence of their Dom.
One challenge I have had to overcome as a submissive is topping from the bottom. In the beginning I would rebel a little, or try to subtly undermine my Dom’s decisions. I’ve learned that instead the best and simplest response I can give is usually: “Yes, Daddy.” In the end it makes both of our lives so much easier.
Will a sub “lose themselves” to their Dom?
A submissive can be a confident, independent, and strong individual and still be a sub. Just remember: subs are not weak. They are the ones choosing this lifestyle for themselves. Their submission is a gift that only they have the power to give. And if being completely subservient feels too scary at first, start small.
Remember that choosing to obey can actually be empowering. And although the sub is doing whatever their Dom asks of them and is striving to please them at all times, it is always within their limits.
Taking the submission out of the bedroom and into 24/7
It can be hard to take the submissive personality out of the bedroom and into everyday life. Again, being completely submissive feels overwhelming at first, start small. Work on keeping your words and demeanor respectful to your Master. Give them the opportunity to make choices for you. Here are some areas you can start with:
- The Dom can choose the sub’s outfit for the day
- The sub can report their meals
- Use titles and honorifics outside the bedroom
- Require permission before spending a certain amount of money
- Notify the Dom when leaving the house
Being submissive outside the bedroom will get easier with time, and soon the sub will begin to crave more and more.
How to be a good sub and be more submissive
A sub should always remember that they should be making their Dom’s life easier, not harder. Even if the sub is a brat, they should be making their Dom’s life more fun, challenging, and interesting – not “harder”. Subs can proactively think what the Dom needs in any given moment, and fulfill it enthusiastically.
One of the greatest ways a sub can do this is sexually of course, and so submitting to any requested act within one’s contract is very important. They should also try to obey rules to the best of their ability, but if discipline is necessary they should take it willingly.
Wearing a collar, even a discreet one in public, can help keep a sub in the slave mindset. They are property owned by someone else, and as such they are a representation of their Dom. This will cause a sub to take great pride in the health and presentation of their bodies. Ways they can do this are:
- Getting sufficient sleep
- Exercising regularly
- Eating a healthy diet
- Dressing properly
- Having good hygiene and grooming
Finding help as a submissive in a D/s relationship
Being a sub can be very stressful and lonely at times, so it’s good for them to have some type of support system. Since BDSM is still a taboo lifestyle, finding friends, mentors, and a community that they feel comfortable with can be challenging. Although they can talk to their Dom about how they feel and can also journal, finding an online or in-person support system is still vital and worth the effort.
Remember, true submission is not just a role, it is a way of life. Being a submissive in a D/s relationship means they are held to a higher standard than just a vanilla partner, but it is all worth it. They will receive the ultimate gift of a Dom’s complete approval.
I’m so glad you’re enjoying the blog! Thank you for your kind advice for other subs. You’re definitely right that a submissive has a lot of control in a BDSM relationship.
Excellent response! Yes.
I am a newb in the D/s world, but have been a mama for 6.5 years to two boys. The year or so after birth, your hormones are still highly changeable and it’s a wild ride without the D/s power exchange. Add in breastfeeding, and for me, a major piece of my being a sub (sexual desire/desire in general) was all but non-existent.
Give yourself time to adjust to what is in reality a new body, a new way of relating to both the world AND yourself. And as was suggested for discussing this with your Dom, if he refuses to see you, hear you, respect you…major red flags. We counterintuitively hold much of the power here. Please make sure you’re actually being taken care of. And congratulations on your babe.
I am new to the lifestyle and finally found a real Dom. He is a Daddy and we are going by the book so to speak because of my inexperience. I have found though I love the thought of submitting to him I have a brat side to me. I am NEVER disrespectful but love to push. Love to bring out the DD side of him. I am fearful I will be too much for him.
It’s hard to find educated people for this topic, however, you seem like you know
what you’re talking about! Thanks
Glad you liked it. Thanks for stopping by!
I have to agree. The info I pick up from here has been a huge and comforting help. THANK YOU
Thank you! You’re very sweet, Kimberly. ❤️
Hello, I am a sub and I’ve been with my Dom for 2 years and I will say at the beginning of our relationship I felt like I was a better sub and general life/work did hinder that. But this year I took a secret vow to serve better, I’ve been allowing myself to give in more, to listen better to suggestions and when he’s not around I’ve been challenging myself to see things more his way. It’s honestly helped me more at my job and motivated me to be the best I can be especially since I have a hard time with depression/ptsd. I feel more fulfilled seeing him so pleased with me when I do a good job.
I am so happy to find you and your blog.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
I want to be a good sub. And I am new to this. However, it’s quite amazing how my personality and lifestyle before finding my Master, so much aligns.
You’re very welcome, Shannon!
Wow this is so informative , I’m new to bdsm and I feel lost as a sub.i do not have a Dom and I’m really shy when it come to meeting new people. I do not have any friends in the bdsm community , so this was fun learning more about being submissive.
I am also new to this sub stuff like you. I do not have a dom either yet and not sure I want it 24/7 yet. So I hear what you are saying. Let us hope that we can both learn together here and be the best subs we can be.
My fiancee and I are new to the lifestyle and recently found your blogs. We both want to thank you so very much for sharing your training, advice, and real examples. She has known she was submissive most of her life but she’s struggled explaining it to me. I haven’t realized my potential Dominance before now even though she sensed it all along. After reading your blogs on both I fully understand her and myself. It’s a burden lifted off each of us knowing our place and we are excited to see where this life takes us. The consensual non consent blog was eye opening for me as well. Thank you so much educating us!!
Hey there,
I just recently found this site a couple days ago and I feel like having to say ‘thank you’ a lot to you, since me reading this site helped clearing up many misconceptions I had over what BDSM truly was and, more importantly, what it entailed.
Since I mostly read a lot from Sadists/ Masochists who view Sadomaso as a must in any kind of relationship, I had a lot of doubts over my rather sub orientarion as a male, since I definitely do not enjoy being in extreme/ a huge amount of pain simply for the amusement of someone/ as an unnecessary punishment.
You gave me a rather clear vision of what should be a good relationship (i. e. Contracts, SSC, hard limits, effective punishments outside/inside a scene), and I am extremely grateful for that, as I was able to calm my mind, feeling a lot calmer now than in at least 3 years!
Awe, thank you, Alexander! That means a lot to me. I wish you the best on your BDSM journey!
Hello, I recently started being a sub. And I have to tell you that….I thought that I was the only one who loved this way of life. Thanks for this article it is really helpful!!
That’s awesome, Melanie! Welcome to the community.
Big Thanks To Dom Sub Living you really help me out the way you talk about Being Dom and Being Sub I I studied word for word
Thank you so much for this,I’ve been trying to find out how to be a good sub and educate myself on this type of lifestyle this has really helped me a lot, thank you❤️
Wish there was guidance for the Dom’s
I actually have lots for Doms, Annette!
You can check out this article to get you started.
helpful in keeping it real I like reading your take on this subject
My Dom and I (sub) only have bdsm in the bedroom right now. But I crave more. Like outside the bedroom, for instance I want him to grab me sternly if I’m acting out in public, and I want him to collar me. I have collars but only for my gothic style. Not for my sub self. I feel like either he really isn’t a Dom and just likes it in the bedroom or he is and just doesn’t know how to fully become “master”.
Great Great Great Post and Article. I am working on all these areas with my sub and with Excellent, Excellent, Excellent Results and Progress. He is VERY VERY VERY Happy and Finds Our Relationship to Be TOP of the Line, Spectacular Beyond belief and is Very Very Very Happy as a Result. He is finding it Liberating and Wonderful to be Owned and Should have Done this 10 Years ago. But Live and Learn. Again, Great Post and Article. Pass the Word and Excellent Words Advice and Facts to Live By. Makes for a Fun, Happy, Positive, Productive Relationship. The Best You Can Have with another Human Being and WELL WORTH IT.
Thank you for your beautiful writing.
Thanks for the information. This was really great. I have recently been working really hard on chores, and can’t help feeling like I’m not getting anything in return which I know is wrong to think because I’m happily the sub, and we have an agreement. But why do I sometimes feel annoyed that my work is not being recognized or I’m not getting any kind of reward. I don’t want to feel like that and I’m happy most of the time. Thanks.
being a good sub is not easy. i end up topping from the bottom but boy, she has a wicked cane to get me straight!