Serving a Dominant is a very fulfilling lifestyle. However, many submissive beginners are lost. Many times they are just looking for someone to fix them, to make them feel complete. But being a sub in a BDSM relationship is a lot of work – physically, mentally, and sexually. How can they successfully meet the challenge? In this article you’ll learn the real meaning of how to be a good sub in a D/s relationship.
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What a submissive isn’t
First and foremost, a sub is not a doormat. They have feelings and needs and so they shouldn’t serve apathetically or reluctantly. A real Dom wouldn’t want a doormat anyway. They want someone who truly desires to be owned.
Being a sub also isn’t consenting to being abused. Unlike BDSM, abuse has no limits or safewords. If you are a sub in a D/s relationship, be very careful not to give your submission to just anyone. True submission has to be earned first. There are many bad and fake Doms out there, and even predators pretending to be Doms.
What is a sub?
The definition of a submissive is a person who is consensually obedient and compliant to their partner, and who also likes to give up control. They crave being used and need to serve. They are the subservient partner of a relationship and that is why “sub” is usually spelled with a lowercase while “Dom” is usually capital. A submissive can take on many different roles such as:
They strive to please their Dom in all things, not just sexually. This means that they may have to give up some of their own personal freedoms and preferences.
It is not uncommon for a sub to have a mild and quiet personality while in the presence of their Dom. They are obedient, and accept discipline when needed. Subs in a D/s relationship aim to conduct themselves in a respectful and modest manner at all times, recognizing that their behavior is a direct reflection on their Dom.
Challenges to being submissive in a D/s relationship
Subs are not perfect; they will mess up from time to time. There’s also the fact that in a 24/7 relationship there are stressors like full-time jobs and children. It can be hard to work on behavior modification and serving someone else when you are tired and pressed for time. And a test to many is being obedient even when not in the presence of their Dom.
One challenge I have had to overcome as a submissive is topping from the bottom. In the beginning I would rebel a little, or try to subtly undermine my Dom’s decisions. I’ve learned that instead the best and simplest response I can give is usually: “Yes, Daddy.” In the end it makes both of our lives so much easier.
Will a sub “lose themselves” to their Dom?
A submissive can be a confident, independent, and strong individual and still be a sub. Just remember: subs are not weak. They are the ones choosing this lifestyle for themselves. Their submission is a gift that only they have the power to give. And if being completely subservient feels too scary at first, start small.
Remember that choosing to obey can actually be empowering. And although the sub is doing whatever their Dom asks of them and is striving to please them at all times, it is always within their limits.
Taking the submission out of the bedroom and into 24/7
It can be hard to take the submissive personality out of the bedroom and into everyday life. Again, being completely submissive feels overwhelming at first, start small. Work on keeping your words and demeanor respectful to your Master. Give them the opportunity to make choices for you. Here are some areas you can start with:
- The Dom can choose the sub’s outfit for the day
- The sub can report their meals
- Use titles and honorifics outside the bedroom
- Require permission before spending a certain amount of money
- Notify the Dom when leaving the house
Being submissive outside the bedroom will get easier with time, and soon the sub will begin to crave more and more.
How to be a good sub and be more submissive
A sub should always remember that they should be making their Dom’s life easier, not harder. Even if the sub is a brat, they should be making their Dom’s life more fun, challenging, and interesting – not “harder”. Subs can proactively think what the Dom needs in any given moment, and fulfill it enthusiastically.
One of the greatest ways a sub can do this is sexually of course, and so submitting to any requested act within one’s contract is very important. They should also try to obey rules to the best of their ability, but if discipline is necessary they should take it willingly.
Wearing a collar, even a discreet one in public, can help keep a sub in the slave mindset. They are property owned by someone else, and as such they are a representation of their Dom. This will cause a sub to take great pride in the health and presentation of their bodies. Ways they can do this are:
- Getting sufficient sleep
- Exercising regularly
- Eating a healthy diet
- Dressing properly
- Having good hygiene and grooming
Finding help as a submissive in a D/s relationship
Being a sub can be very stressful and lonely at times, so it’s good for them to have some type of support system. Since BDSM is still a taboo lifestyle, finding friends, mentors, and a community that they feel comfortable with can be challenging. Although they can talk to their Dom about how they feel and can also journal, finding an online or in-person support system is still vital and worth the effort.
Remember, true submission is not just a role, it is a way of life. Being a submissive in a D/s relationship means they are held to a higher standard than just a vanilla partner, but it is all worth it. They will receive the ultimate gift of a Dom’s complete approval.