One size fits all is not what BDSM and kink is about — Consider this quiz your shortcut to exploring your kinky potential. When you align with your natural strengths and innate sexuality, the Dom/sub lifestyle becomes a whole lot easier. Take this test and get instant access to your customized plan.
And if you’re feeling like you need a little help on becoming the best Dom or sub you can be? Well, I got you covered, too.
I just re-launched my premium program, Dom Sub Training! This resource has all the information you need to become a satisfied BDSM expert – from finding a partner to dealing with the challenges of a long-term relationship. With a detailed plan to make it all happen!
But if you want get started now with how to embrace your unique kinkiness in the perfect way for YOUR personality type, then you’ll love my brand new quiz.
How does the test work?
In just 3-minutes, I’ll help you delve deeply into your BDSM personality to discover which kinky strategies will bring you more fun and satisfaction.
Your kink personality breakdown and how it relates to living a better BDSM lifestyle
Deep insights into your unique strengths and how to use them effectively as a Dom or sub
Your kink personality-driven step-by-step plan to make infinitely faster progress
Whether you’re just getting started with BDSM or you’re already an advanced Dom or sub – this quiz will help you get clear on your personal kink identity and develop your action-plan.
One of the most debated but rarely explained topics in the BDSM community is consensual non-consent, or CNC. The real definition of this type of D/s relationship is one of deep trust, not abuse. And even though the sex fantasy of rape play is pretty common, this kink is still a taboo topic. What is the real meaning of consensual non-consent? And do you still need a contract or agreement? Let’s look closer at CNC, plus I have some stimulating ideas and examples to get you started.
Consensual non-consent vs. rape fantasy explained
Before we begin discussing everything you need to know about CNC, we need to first understand how it differs from rape play. Even though the two are very similar, rape fantasy or play rape, usually just refers to the sexual act, whereas consensual non-consent can encompass all aspects of a D/s relationship.
Some people use the terms interchangeably, and even rape play is a fantasy for many “vanilla” people. Feel free to use whichever term you’re comfortable with, but always make sure everything is safe, sane, and consensual.
1. Consensual non-consent meaning in BDSM
The definition for consensual non-consent is a mutual agreement where the Dom is able to act as if the sub has waived all consent. Complete consent is given beforehand, with the understanding of it being a permanent arrangement under most circumstances.
The bottom line is that this is something the sub has willingly said they wanted. The “non-consensual” part also means that sometimes the Dom may have to make the sub obey if she refuses.
Why would a sub, and especially a slave, say “no” if they already gave their total submission? Simply put, because subs and slaves aren’t robots. They have feelings, needs, wants, and imperfections too. They may disagree with the Dom, and voice it, but they still ultimately want to serve and be used.
If you’re still confused as to the meaning of consensual non-consent, here is what it means to me:
“I like it even when I don’t like it. I want it even when I don’t want it.”
2. Do you need safewords or a contract in CNC?
Since trust is so important in consensual non-consent I would say that safewords are preferred. Safewords make everything clear. Of course it’s a good practice for a Dom to remind a sub that they have safewords during an intense scene.
We usually think trust has to do with the sub trusting the Dom, but the Dom has to equally be able to trust their sub. “No means no” in a court of law, regardless if it’s a D/s relationship, or even if there’s a BDSM contract or agreement. A Dom needs to know that the sub is completely willing, even if they’re yelling and crying for something to stop.
If you are in a 24/7 relationship, in your contract or agreement you can discuss removing safewords in certain situations, like during punishments.
For example, some couples don’t allow safewords at all in non-consensual play, as they feel it gives the submissive too much control. An example of this type of D/s relationship is a total power exchange relationship, or TPE.
Download your FREE BDSM contract by clicking the image below:
3. Subdrop and aftercare will be different
After a play session, a sub might act completely different if conensual non-consent was involved. After a scene I usually like to cuddle, but if we did some forceful, hard playing I can’t stand to be held.
My Dom knows that it’s difficult for me to receive affection after consensual non-consent, so he’ll give me my space and just maybe rest a hand on my shoulder. It’s not uncommon for a sub to get upset and angry, almost as if they were really abused.
This is because the mind and body are so connected. If a sub’s body is abused in a non-pleasurable way, their mind will begin to associate with that emotionally.
During subdrop they will slowly start to feel safe and in control again. It’s extremely important for the Dom to respect this and not get offended during this time, but to continue to provide aftercare.
4. Rape play is more than just a kink fantasy
Many BDSM players may use the terms rape play and consensual non-consent interchangeably, but as we discussed at the beginning, they are not the same thing. Rape play is just one small aspect of a CNC kink. Even those in a vanilla relationship may have that fantasy.
For some victims of past abuse though, acting it out can be very therapeutic. To them CNC can have a bigger meaning. It can be a way to relive the experience, knowing that they now have the power to make it stop.
If you are going to engage in rape play with someone, make sure limits are clearly discussed/included in your contract or agreement. For example, vaginal rape may be acceptable, but anal may not be.
5. Ideas for D/s sex and beyond
There are many ways to engage in consensual non-consent, both sexual and non-sexual. If you are in a BDSM relationship, or even if you just play part-time, here are some ideas and examples:
The Dom can dress up like an actual attacker (if they wear a mask, make sure at least part of the face is visible so the sub knows it’s not a real attacker)
Another example of a CNC kink situation is somnophilia. The definition of somnophila is a kink where the Dominant performs sex acts on the submissive while they are unconscious or asleep. The sub would have to give their consent to this situation beforehand. This is actually a sex kink that my Dom and I enjoy on occasion.
Consensual non-consent is probably one of my favorite aspects of a BDSM lifestyle, and brings more meaning to my D/s relationship. Sex can be so much more thrilling when you didn’t say yes.
Forcing someone to do something, or being forced yourself, can be very alluring. Hopefully now that we’ve explained this hotly debated topic and you have some fun ideas, you can begin to safely experience it too. 🖤
How do you feel about consensual non-consent? Share your thoughts and ideas in the comments.
During a BDSM scene or other kink activities, the Dominant and submissive can experience a huge endorphin rush. It can be a shock when it is all over, for Doms and for subs. A proper checklist helps prevent this. It’s a way for those in a D/s (Dom/sub) relationship to calm back down. If your aftercare kit has room for improvement, or worse, is nonexistent, then these ideas can help. But first, let’s cover the definition of aftercare and the meaning of subdrop.
Want a free checklist to help you get the most out of aftercare? Click the button below and send it to your partner too!
Definition of aftercare and meaning of subdrop
What exactly is aftercare? Here is the actual definition:
“Aftercare refers to the attention given to a sub at the end of a scene. It often includes the Dom utilizing various pampering techniques on the sub in an effort to provide comfort after having an intense experience that can leave them in a vulnerable state.”
Intense pleasure or pain can cause a strong “high”, and when emotions and endorphins come crashing down subdrop can occur. Here is the meaning of subdrop:
“Subdrop is an experience with similar characteristics of depression that occurs after an intense BDSM scene. It is caused by adrenaline and endorphin crashes.”
So as you can see from these definitions, proper aftercare helps prevent subdrop, so the Dom and sub can slowly get back in touch with reality. Keep reading for my top 10 ideas for aftercare.
1. Cover up the sub
This is probably one of the most simplest things a Dominant forgets to do. During a scene a submissive’s body temperature usually increases and afterwards it drops, making the sub cold and uncomfortable. Before a Dom relaxes they should cover up the sub with a blanket.
If the sub was completely naked they are also probably feeling exposed and vulnerable and this simple act can help them feel at ease. Plus, after a very intense session a sub is usually too exhausted to cover themselves up.
2. Verbal reassurance from the Dominant
A sub craves to be told that they are good and that they did a good job. When their Dom says those words to them, it helps them to emotionally relax. It’s not uncommon for a sub to have doubts and insecurities after a session. Knowing they have their Dom’s approval gives them immense satisfaction.
If there was rape play or consensual non-consent during a scene, then it is extremely important for the Dom to be caring and calm, even saying, “I love you,” if it’s appropriate for the relationship.
Just like how a sub can be verbally reassured, they can also be physically reassured. When a Dom holds and cuddles a sub it helps them to feel safe and protected.
Other small ways to make physical contact include snuggling, petting, pats on the head, and forehead kisses. Feeling their Dom’s strong arms around them can go a long way in helping establish a sense of security in a D/s relationship.
After an intense kink scene, it is a good idea for both parties to rehydrate. However, it is the Dom’s responsibility to get their sub a glass of water to drink. Moreover, drinking water can help prevent headaches, muscles aches, and urinary tract infections.
Therefore, having two glasses of water nearby before a BDSM scene starts is a good habit to get into.
5. Proper clean up
BDSM scenes can be quite dirty. Sweat, lubes, bodily fluids, wax – they all need to be cleaned up. The Dom can get a towel and wipe up their sub and themselves. They can also help straighten things back up and put away any toys and other implements.
Sometimes a shower may be needed and the Dom can help wash the sub. This can be another opportunity to reconnect.
6. First-aid kit ideas
A sub may have marks and bruises from a hard and intense kink session. The Dom can massage limbs that were tied up, and apply lotion to any other sore spots. Some people swear by arnica cream but any lotion without menthol or alcohol is good. My favorite to use is one with shea butter.
Having Advil in your kit (brought with the water from tip #4) can help prevent swelling and bruising.
Stuffies, or stuffed toys, are another tool in providing proper aftercare. Littles especially love stuffies, and having one to cuddle and recuperate with helps them cope and deal with loneliness. Therefore, a Dom should bring the stuffie to their little after a play session.
On the other hand, if the little doesn’t own a stuffie, this is a good opportunity for the Dom to buy them one.
This one is probably my favorite for obvious reasons. It may be the farthest thing from their mind after a hard scene but an orgasm can help the sub calm down, and to refocus.
Being beaten and used is a very stressful thing to experience and an orgasm can help a sub release that. Also the Dom may have already orgasmed and taking care of the sub can help them not feel neglected.
For a simple (and free!) aftercare kit checklist, just CLICK HERE and it will be emailed to you instantly.
9. Discuss and recap post kink
After all the previous steps have been taken, it’s good for a D/s relationship if both individuals discuss a scene after it’s over. Doing all the relevant previous steps ensures that they are both calm and relaxed and can talk freely and openly.
This is a good time to figure out what went great, and what you’d like to try next time.
10. Check-in the next day
Even if you’re married or in a long-term D/s relationship, next day communication is really important. Subdrop can occur even days after a play session, so even a simple text or phone call can mean a lot.
Journaling can also help a sub to express their emotions productively, and the Dom can even assign a specific writing assignment based on the play session.
A successful D/s relationship depends not just on hardcore scenes, but also on well planned, proper aftercare. As you can see, there are so many different ways and activities to ensure that this happens, even for Doms. Communicate what you need and want afterwards, and the play sessions are sure to keep getting better and better. 🖤
What’s your favorite aftercare activity? Let me know your checklist in the comments.
Bondage is one of the fundamental aspects of BDSM. It may seem like just a sex kink, but it’s so much more than rope ties, tying someone up, or being tied. Real physical and emotional gratification comes from bondage. How can you get started and enjoy it safely, even if you’re a beginner? Here are 8 ideas plus tips to inspire you.
Be sure to read all the BDSM safety tips first! Click here »
1. Cable zip ties
I thought I’d start with one of my favorite ideas. Zip ties are used to hold together cables or wires and are made out of a plastic-like nylon. They usually come in clear or black and are really easy to use. Simply put them around the wrists like handcuffs, thread the tail through the loop, and they’re locked.
I like them because they are super strong, and the material can cut into my skin when I struggle. They can leave nice marks too. The ties come in different sizes so make sure to buy the longer ones. They are easy to get out of quickly because you just cut them to release them.
The only down side is that they are not reusable, but you can buy a lot of them really cheap, so they’re great for a beginner.
2. Suit tie ideas
This is a really sexy way to enjoy bondage even if you are a beginner or in a vanilla relationship. A man’s tie, made of silk or satin, is the perfect size and length to get started with bondage.
There are many ways to use one. It can be used to tie the hands behind the back of the body, or in the front. Once the wrists are tied, the Dom could tie the end to a bed frame or another piece of furniture. It can also be secured around the sub’s neck like a traditional tie, and used as a leash to lead them around.
It’s versatile enough to be used as a blindfold or even a beginner gag. Really the possibilities are endless.
3. Spreader bar
Another fun piece of BDSM equipment, a spreader bar is used to keep the limbs apart. It is usually attached to the ankles and the bar’s length is increased to open the legs wider.
Some spreader bars also have cuffs for the wrists too, so the hands are attached right next to the feet. This gives the Dom easy access to do to the sub whatever they wish. If the spreader bar has a key make sure beforehand that it works properly and it is within reach at all times.
These can be really thrilling to use because they play into the whole “bad cop” fantasy. Metal ones are nice because they can press into the skin and give a masochistic sub more pleasure. As with all of the previous bondage ideas there are a lot of hand placement options.
They can even be hooked through something overhead like a clothes rod while the sub is standing. Just be careful not to make them too tight because they could do some real damage. And make sure the key works and is accessible. No one likes to make an embarrassing call to a locksmith.
5. Beginner Rope bondage tips
This is probably the best known tool for bondage and doesn’t require a trip to a sex store. Rope can be used to tie a sub in lots of different positions. “Hog tie,” where the hands are tied to the feet behind the back, makes the sub extremely vulnerable.
The best beginner rope is subjective, but I prefer smooth, usually nylon so it doesn’t chafe the skin. If you like it to feel rough then I recommend a natural fiber like manila hemp. In our bedroom we have ropes tied to the four corners of our bed at all times. My Dom will use more rope or cable ties to attach me to the corners in various positions.
When we are done playing the rope can be tucked back under the bed out of sight and ready for the next play session. People who enjoy being tied up in BDSM are usually called “Rope Bunnies”.
6. Shibari/Kinbaku bondage
Shibari and Kinbaku are two terms to describe a type of Japanese bondage. Although the words are sometimes used interchangeably they are actually two different things. Shibari usually refers to general, artistic rope tying, while Kinbaku is a more sexual form of it.
Today you can see rope Masters performing intricate bondage styles at different shows and events. The art is more in the ritualistic way it is done than in the finished project. There are also many designs and techniques like the crotch rope tie, Strappado bondage (where the hands are tied behind and pulled up), and suspension bondage.
My play collar has a big “O” ring on the front of it that can be used for many things. A Dom could use zip ties, a suit tie, or ropes to secure the sub’s hands to the collar. A traditional leash or chain can also be hooked onto it to keep the sub restrained.
Some collars have “O” rings in multiple places so the sub can be bound from the back of the neck too. Look for a well made collar that is comfortable but strong enough to take a lot of pulling. See more ideas for collars here.
8. Tips for when restraints become undone
Sometimes, despite a Dom’s best tying skills, a restraint may come undone. It’s going to happen. There’s no need to be embarrassed, get frustrated, or end a scene. If a sub notices that a rope is coming loose for instance they can just playfully say, “Master, I think my restraints need to be tighter.”
Or if a Dom sees that a sub is getting loose even in a rape play scene, they can stay in character and just quickly retie them. The point is to just fix it without making a big deal of it, and to continue to enjoy yourself.
Hopefully I made your next trip to your local hardware store a little more interesting. Obviously we just scratched the surface of BDSM bondage but these eight ideas and tips should get your creative juices flowing. Have fun! 🖤
What are your favorite bondage ideas or tips? Let me know in the comments.
One of the questions I get asked the most is, “How do I go from vanilla to BDSM?” (The definition of vanilla is plain, normal, or boring.) Maybe the person read the book 50 Shades of Grey, or wants to incorporate kink into their relationship or sex life to bring more meaning to it. It can be hard when you are already married or dating and you want to switch to a kinky lifestyle. Here is how to make your journey successful.
*If you want to help your partner be more dominant, submissive, or kinky, be sure to check out my new workshop.*
Be sure to learn the BDSM essentials and their meaning first by clicking here.
Start with kinky communication (and not just about sex)
One of the awesome things about a D/s lifestyle is that there is usually a whole lot more communication than a vanilla one. Start by telling your partner what you already like about your relationship. Then you can begin to tell them things you want to maybe try or are just curious about.
Ask them what their kinky fantasies are. This may take a few tries so keep things positive and be patient. Saying the word “BDSM” may scare them off so maybe just talk about the aspects of it you like. This can be things like:
Sometimes a person has to get comfortable just talking about how to go from vanilla to kink before they feel they can make the switch to doing it in real life. Read articles on Domsubliving.com together and keep your conversations light and fun.
How to go from vanilla to BDSM with a kink contract
Contracts are one of the things that the book 50 Shades of Grey actually got right, but contracts don’t have to be for hardcore D/s couples. Experts say that talking about sex openly and writing it down in a contract brings meaning to even vanilla relationships.
If you need somewhere to start, download a free template here.
Contracts can include roles and what those involve (even if it’s just your names and titles like husband, wife, boyfriend, or girlfriend). Other things to cover are:
Limits (the kinky things you or your partner won’t do)
Don’t be embarrassed or take yourself too seriously. Have fun discussing your contract and check in regularly to see if it’s working or to renegotiate.
When things don’t go as you hoped
Whether you’re vanilla or practicing BDSM, you shouldn’t expect perfection from your partner. Remember, this isn’t the book 50 Shades of Grey.
Resentment builds when one person starts to feel like the other isn’t fulfilling their role. In D/s this could be the Dom feeling like their sub isn’t being submissive enough, or the sub feeling like their Dom isn’t being dominant enough. What should you do when this happens?
As always: communicate. If talking about how to go from vanilla to BDSM makes you feel uncomfortable or you’re hitting a brick wall, a journal can be a safe place to express your feelings freely. Journaling is great for any relationship, vanilla or kinky.
You can download a free journal here which includes prompts to help you get started.
Make the switch from vanilla to BDSM safely
You may be tempted to jump right into a kinky lifestyle, but start slow. Remember, the book 50 Shades of Grey is not real life. In the BDSM community “Safe, Sane, and Consensual” is extremely important, and not just during sex.
If not practiced correctly, a D/s relationship can be dangerous, both physically and emotionally. However, when it is enjoyed in a healthy way it can be extremely fulfilling and bring deep meaning to a relationship. I hope with these suggestions all who want to can go from vanilla to BDSM and kink successfully. 🖤
Have you tried making the switch? What challenges have you faced? Let me know in the comments.