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If you’ve ever wondered, “Can I be a feminist and a submissive at the same time?” you’re not alone. This is a question I often get in my coaching practice. The tension between empowerment and surrender makes people uncomfortable—on both sides of the feminist and kink spectrum. But what if I told you that, for many of us (myself included), submission is actually one of the most powerful choices we can make?
In this post, I’ll break down why feminism and submission are not opposites. You’ll learn how real, empowered submission is a choice, not oppression. Plus, I’ll share my own story, clear up the biggest misconceptions about submissives, and show you why sexuality and autonomy go hand-in-hand for feminists in the kink world.
IN THIS EPISODE
- Learn why being submissive can actually be empowering (not powerless).
- Discover how feminism and submission can work together, not against each other.
- Uncover the biggest myths about power exchange and consenting dynamics.
- Learn why choosing to submit is an act of strength and autonomy.
- Discover answers to the top questions about being a feminist and a submissive.
What Does Feminism Really Mean?
First, let’s be clear on what feminism is. There’s a lot of debate online, but at its core, feminism is about equality, autonomy, and the freedom to choose. It’s not about being louder, stronger, or “more dominant.” It’s about each of us deciding what happens to our own body and in our own life.
So if feminism is about choice… shouldn’t that include the choice to submit?
Submission Isn’t Gendered (or Weak)
It’s a huge misconception that submission is just for cisgender women or for people who are “naturally” passive. Submission is open to women, men, and non-binary folks. It’s about personality, desire, and what feels right for you—not your gender.
Another myth is that submissives are weak or powerless. In reality, some of the most powerful, intelligent, and successful people I know enjoy the submissive role. They’re able to set boundaries, communicate their needs, and command respect in and out of the bedroom. Submission isn’t about weakness; it’s about a deep level of trust and self-knowledge.
Why Submission Feels Like a Contradiction (And Why It’s Not)
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “If I surrender, am I betraying my own empowerment?” I see you. That was my experience too when I first started exploring BDSM and D/s dynamics. Raised by a strong, feminist mom who fought for women’s rights in the ’60s and ’70s, I grew up believing I should always be in control of myself.
Yet behind closed doors, I craved surrender. I wanted to be told what to do, to be cared for and guided. For years, I worried something was “wrong” with me. But what I realized is that the power in submission comes from CHOOSING who you offer your trust, attention, and desire to. Not because you have to, but because you want to. That’s not weak; that’s strong.
Power Exchange Doesn’t Mean PowerLESS
Here’s where people get confused: in mainstream culture, feminism and submission are seen as opposites. One is about fighting oppression, the other is (supposedly) about being oppressed. But that only makes sense if you think sexual power exchange is the same as social oppression. It’s not.
Feminism is about ending oppression. BDSM and kink dynamics, however, are built on voluntary consent and negotiation. Every act of submission starts with an enthusiastic “Yes.” Real power exchange is a conscious, dynamic choice. You’re not giving up your voice; in fact, you’re using your voice in a deeper and more meaningful way.
How Kink and Feminism Fit Together
I like to explain it this way: feminism opened the door to sexual autonomy. BDSM lets us walk through that door, claiming pleasure and meaning on our own terms. I’ve had people tell me “You’re setting women back 50 years!” just because I talk about kneeling, serving, and calling my partner “Sir.”
But here’s the truth: I’m not setting anyone back. I’m showing what it looks like for a woman (or anyone!) to DECIDE for themselves what empowerment means.
This applies to all genders. If you’re a man who wants to be submissive, what’s more revolutionary than choosing vulnerability in a society that tells men they must always dominate? If you’re non-binary or don’t fit into conventional gender roles, what could be more freeing than creating your own definitions for power and connection?
Agency, Not Oppression: Why Consent Is Key
Maybe you’ve seen album covers or images online that show women (or men, or non-binary folks) in submissive positions and wondered, “Isn’t this just perpetuating outdated stereotypes?” Out of context, it can look like that. But the difference is consent. Oppression takes power without permission. Kink exchanges power with full, informed consent.
Feminism fought for the right to say NO. Kink gives us the space to say YES, intentionally, joyfully, and safely.
The True Power of Submission
When I first started living in a 24/7 D/s relationship, I thought I might feel trapped or less than. The truth? I felt FREE and deeply safe. Why? Because the structure created by my dynamic helped me express my needs, my dreams, and my fears more openly than ever before. In a power exchange, both partners are needed. Think of it like a dance: one leads, one follows, but both rely on each other for balance and beauty.
Submission isn’t about isolation or loss of autonomy. It’s about choosing connection. Real strength isn’t about never needing anyone; it’s about knowing how and when to lean in, trust, and let go.
Kink Is a Radical Form of Feminism
In my experience, the kink community is one of the most feminist spaces I know. Boundaries and consent are explicit, respected, and negotiated. There are no assumptions about what you want based on your gender or appearance. You have to speak up, and your voice matters.
That’s why shaming someone for enjoying submission is actually anti-feminist. It tells people their form of autonomy isn’t valid. In reality, negotiating scenes, setting limits, and giving (or withdrawing) consent are some of the most feminist actions you can take.
So, Can You Be Submissive and a Feminist?
Feminism is about freedom, not conformity. Submission, when it’s chosen, respected, and consensual, is one of the purest expressions of freedom. They’re not enemies; they’re allies.
So if you’ve ever felt like your submissive desires make you “less feminist,” let me give you permission to stop apologizing. Submission is your truth, written in your own language.
Ready to claim your power—your way?
Grab your free “How to Be a Good Sub” cheat sheet below and let’s rewrite what feminism and submission mean together.
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