Every Dom/sub dynamic is unique, which is why every Dominant learns different lessons and tips that work best for them. So for this special blog post, I’m bringing in 14 of my favorite Dominants in the BDSM community to answer the question, What’s one thing you wish you knew before becoming a Dom?
Now, all of these Dominants are actively living the lifestyle. And in this post they’re sharing some of their best advice and lessons that they’ve learned along the way.
You’ll get a taste of a multitude of different perspectives that have allowed them to become their own version of a good Dom. From embarrassing mistakes to sexy scenes, you’ll get insight into it all.
I cannot wait for you to read their brilliance and reflections!
By the way, if you want to learn even MORE about how to become the best Dominant you can be, I’m giving away a free quick-start guide where I break down how to be a good Dom. Just click here to grab it. I can’t wait to see what you think.
Now, let’s dive in!
Communication and understanding are key
“One thing I wish I knew before becoming a Dom was the amount of communication it takes to really get comfortable with each other. Practices such as sharing each other’s sexual fantasies and clearly saying what we want/don’t want was something we didn’t fully do in the beginning. Looking back that was one of the most important things we did to accept each other’s intimate needs.” – Dainis, SexualAlpha
“I had to teach myself that empathy was very, very important, even more important than I had thought it was. And I had to value it even more than I ever had, and that’s something I keep with me.” – Chris Lyon, D/s Relationships
Get free journal prompts to help with communication here »
The importance of having a mentor
“I wish I had known to find a mentor, Dom or sub, to help me learn about the intricacies of not only the lifestyle but medical, communication, and self-control.” – William, Master William Wolf
“As a Domme, I wish I knew softness and vulnerability was allowed. I went into it as a profession, so I worry if the disconnect was obvious. And I wish I knew more subtle ways of being a Domme, and I wish in general I had a healthy, experienced mentor at the time. I was cold and stoic, which worked for the dynamics I had. But I learned that I do enjoy it as a personal experience and it can fulfill me as much as being a sub does.” – Hailee, on Instagram
Sign up for interactive coaching here »
It’s a learning experience
“I wish I knew before becoming a dominant that it was okay to make mistakes, because that’s okay. You learn how to grow from those.” – Dark and Dominant
“I wish I would have known how important self-care is to the lifestyle for both Doms and subs. Before I chose the lifestyle, I never realized the amount of work behind the scenes it takes to properly set up for play scenes. Completely worth it in my opinion, simply took awhile to understand.” – Akash Inti, Enlightened Masculinity
See self-care tips for Doms here »
Master new skills
“I wish I knew the broad spectrum of a sub’s body language and how to pick up on nuances and body language from the sub. The “Dom Sub Training” course taught me to really look and listen, and from there how to handle my response without losing my role as a Dom. “ – Lauro Munoz, Therapist
“I wish I knew more about leatherworking before becoming a Dom. I would have been able to skip purchasing some cheaper BDSM junk while young, but more importantly I find being able to make gear allows one to customize play options with partners resulting in more ways to offer enhanced connections/experiences.” – Ken, Discerning Specialist
Learn 8 ways to enjoy bondage here »
Establishing trust is vital
“Trust is the cornerstone to everything in BDSM. But trust isn’t just given, it is earned and trust is only earned when actions match words over time. So it takes time to earn and build trust. So allow time to be your ally in your BDSM journey. Take the necessary time to earn trust before jumping into anything. Because without trust you have nothing.” – Paul, BDSM Training Academy
“I have an immense amount of sexual energy. By learning about bdsm, and with the help of “Dom Sub Training”, I learned how to control and focus that energy. Not just for myself, but for my partner as well. By having a structure I was able to focus on exactly what I needed, what she needed, and most importantly what we needed as a couple. I wish I would have known how much all that would of made a difference, I would of started sooner. I never knew how much trust, communication, and understanding it took. Glad I do now!” – Tyler, Dom Sub Training member
See the ultimate guide to a safe BDSM lifestyle here »
The surprising value of the lifestyle
“BDSM is an Art Form. Just like playing piano, painting with oil paints, sculpting alabaster, or perfecting a dance routine, you will ALWAYS be able to improve and advance your BDSM. Practice, practice, practice. There is always something new to learn, and some way to expand your Art, no matter how many decades you have been at this.“
– Arcane, Igniting the Fire
“I wish I new how much kink was going to add to my life in the beginning.” – Brian, Your Kinky CPA
“I wish I knew that some people use BDSM as a form of escape from their past trauma or lack of knowledge on how to deal with things in their past. Many submissives that I have come across seem to use BDSM as a way to deal with their own issues and a way to escape dealing with them. It is a form of escapism that is hard to work through as a Dominant. I try to help my submissive but sometimes their lack of wanting to face their issues causes issues in our relationship.” – UrielLocke, Master Locke
Get your free beginner’s guide to BDSM here »
And the one thing my Dom wish he knew before becoming a Dominant
“I wish I knew that you’re not just helping to better your sub, you’re helping to better yourself. It’s critical to take your role seriously and follow through, because you have to be dominant over yourself before you can be dominant over someone else. For me, being a Dom is not just about the mindset but also putting in the actual work that it takes to live this lifestyle successfully.” Jay (learn more about us here)
**Special thanks to everyone who shared their words of wisdom with me for this article!**
What about you?
I’d love to read your response to the all-important question: What’s the one thing you wish you’d known before you became a Dom? Please share in the comments. And don’t forget to grab your free quick-start guide below!
Rogue Angel says
I thought I was pretty well-rounded before I took my first steps as a Domme, but I wish I’d had a better idea of how to reward and discipline, and was better prepared to organise and prepare for scenes and sessions.
Kinky Sam says
That every submissive is different and needs different things. I switch occasionally, and I thought that my sub would have the same goals and wishes as I did. Turned out he didn’t, at all. We found our way, but it took time and some painful mess-ups.
As a Dom of over 25yrs I found each of these statements to be pretty spot on. I was fortunate in that my first true sub was very experienced and “raised me right”. The one thing that I did not see mentioned that is vital in my opinion is for the Dom to understand that their power and control over their sub is borrowed and can be amended or revoked at any time. Too many novice Doms ( and unfortunately subs) don’t seem to understand this.
That is true. I’m a novice Domme, but glad I found this site that answered so many of my questions and the ones I didn’t know I had. This has helped me to better understand the dynamics of both the Dom and the sub.
Dom Sub Living says
Thank you so much, Andy! I really appreciate it. ????
Your welcome! Actually, the sub that contacted me through a dating site is also new to the lifestyle and I recommended that he read through some of the posts and links from your site. I had some knowledge beforehand and he didn’t so I told him before we started discussing a contract of any kind, he must read some of the post that I found most informative to D/s beginners. The articles ranged from the 7 rules to long distance relationships to 7 red flags: Fake Dom vs Real Dom to Punishments to D/s etiquette, just to name a few.
Miss Q says
Good article. A lot of this speaks for me as well. 🙂
I think people need to remember that ultimately the beauty in bdsm lies in the fact that it is mutually consensual. It is because it is consensual that it is thereby an art form.
Excellent piece of writting, thank you for your time to give us a good understanding of what Dom’s should think about and understand. I’m Dom and not new to the scene but I am glad I found this site, lots of imformative stuff.
Dom Sub Living says
I’m so glad you’re enjoying the site, Luke!
I think it’s a slowly evolving process – it just takes time to build good D/s. Also Dom drop is real and can really throw you when you first experience – guilt, shame, doubt and questioning.
I have a question is it normal for a Dom to flirt with other woman/want to chat & share photos of themselves to other woman without their subs consent? Or knowledge? But yet, they don’t want you to talk to other men unless they give you permission?