3 Reasons Why Your D/s Relationship Keeps Failing (Ep. 9)

3 Reasons Why Your Ds Relationship Keeps Failing


On this episode, we dive into a topic that’s not often discussed openly in the lifestyle – failing D/s relationships. I know the disappointment, frustration, and self-blame many of you experience when a D/s relationship falters. But remember, you are not alone.


  • Addressing the complexities of failing D/s relationships and the impact on individuals’ emotional well-being.
  • Exploring the root causes of D/s relationship failures, including inadequate advice and the intrusion of “vanilla” life.
  • Highlighting the importance of using D/s relationships as a tool to navigate life’s challenges, rather than putting them on hold.
  • Discussing the dynamics of topping from the bottom and bottoming from the top, and their potential impact on D/s relationships.
  • Offering a deeper understanding of the mindset skills essential for sustaining a healthy D/s relationship, with personal examples and practical advice.

Accurate Information for D/s Relationships

It’s crucial to recognize that outdated or misleading advice on D/s relationships can be a significant factor in these failures. Our mission at Dom Sub Living is to provide accurate, up-to-date information and support for mastering and living the BDSM lifestyle.

That’s why we offer a free resource library on our website, filled with valuable tools and resources. It’s our way of supporting you in your journey to a fulfilling D/s relationship.

Letting “Vanilla” Life Interfere in Your Relationship

One of the primary reasons for D/s relationship failures is letting “vanilla” life interfere. Family obligations, health reasons, or even vacations can all impact your dynamic. But it’s important to understand that D/s relationships should not be put on hold. They can actually be a powerful tool in navigating life’s challenges.

Being a submissive helped me cope with health issues and strengthened my relationship with my Dominant. Also, when my Dom started doing out-of-town work, we made deliberate efforts to maintain our D/s relationship, knowing that it was an integral part of our connection.

Focus On Skills to Sustain a D/s Relationship

Another critical point we explored was the distinction between focusing on skills versus mindset in sustaining a D/s relationship. I shared that addressing fears, lack of confidence, and body issues are crucial mindset skills.

For example, I discussed how I overcame self-confidence issues by employing a blindfold during scenes. It was a transformative experience that allowed me to embrace vulnerability and trust within the dynamic.

“Topping From the Bottom”

The issue of “topping from the bottom” and its impact on relationship failure is an essential aspect of the episode. We emphasized that while educators should not condemn topping from the bottom, it can indeed lead to problems when not addressed.

It’s important for submissives to share opinions respectfully and understand when to obey without constant interjection. Overly bratty or disobedient behavior can negatively impact the Dominant/submissive dynamic.

We also discussed how safewording too much can disrupt the balance of power in the relationship. Submissives should consider if safewording is due to reaching their limit or simply feeling uncomfortable. Constant safewording can be frustrating for both parties and disrupt the dynamic.

“Bottoming From the Top”

I provided examples of excessive delegation and lack of punishment as signs of “bottoming from the top.” Challenging and pushing the submissive within agreed limits is crucial to avoid complacency.

You Are Not Alone

Dom Sub Living is here to support and provide resources to help improve your relationships. Embracing your power and pleasure through BDSM is a journey we’re committed to walk alongside you.

This episode was a powerful reminder of the challenges and rewards within D/s relationships. We explored the pitfalls and shared tools to navigate them, reinforcing the importance of open communication, trust, and a commitment to personal growth within the dynamic.

Remember that failing D/s relationships are not a signal of weakness, but rather an opportunity for growth and reflection. Embrace the teachings from this episode, and know that the Dom Sub Living community is here to support you every step of the way!

Links From the Episode:

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