Every Dominant/submissive relationship should have punishments. After all, the “D” in BDSM stands for discipline, and no sub is perfect. Correction (even over text) is needed from time to time when they break the rules. But many Doms struggle with ideas for knowing how to punish. And a sub can feel neglected when it isn’t done in the proper way.
Here are some things to keep in mind for a punishment to be successful, and don’t forget to download your free master list of ideas here.
Punishments need to have a reason
The main goal of any punishment is so the sub will learn from it. The Dom disciplines to discourage unacceptable conduct, and to ensure that the sub fully appreciates their role. A sub should always know why they are being punished.
In fact, it is good etiquette to say beforehand, “You are being punished because…” or to ask, “Why are you being punished?” This keeps the focus on the behavior that needs to change. That way the sub doesn’t feel like it’s themselves that the Dom doesn’t like.
Punishments for littles can be for things a real Daddy would punish for: not cleaning their room, spending too much time on their phone, etc.
The punishment should fit the crime
Failure to comply with any rules should always result in some sort of punsishment. The harshness should be determined by the severity of the misdeed. For example, if a sub waits 15 minutes to respond to a Dom’s texts, an intense paddling would probably be too much.
For softer punishments my Dom likes to make me remove my panties for the day, or have me wear Ben Wa Balls. (These punishments also work for long distance D/s relationships.)
On the other hand, if a sub has committed a major offense, corporal punishment will probably be required. Quite a few times I’ve made my Dom mad enough to make him spank me so long and hard that I’ve bawled into my pillow.
Don’t go too soft when you punish
There is nothing worse than expecting a hard punishment and getting off with “a slap on the wrist”, or worse: no punishment at all. Some subs perform best when they are disciplined at least daily, others every other day, or even once a week.
Look for patterns. If a sub seems to stop trying so hard to please their Dom then a good punishment is probably in order. Again, we are all imperfect human beings and there is always some correction in behavior that can be found.
Many Doms who are new to BDSM may hold back, fearing they are going too far, especially if a sub starts crying. But that is where trust in their safewords comes in. If it gets too painful, physically, emotionally, or mentally, a sub has the right to safeword.
One way to gauge how painful a punishmetnt is can be to make the sub count each time they are hit. My Dom usually will spank me five times, making me count after each one so he can tell in my voice if he is going too hard or soft. Another idea is to have the sub recite a phrase after each hit, like, “I am Daddy’s little girl.”
Timing is crucial (even over text message)
Usually a sub knows when they mess up, and they dread the after-effects of displeasing their Dom. If the Dom completely forgets to punish or even puts it off it is less affective.
Sometimes a little bit of time can grow the anticipation and force the sub to meditate on what they did, but generally punishments should happen by the end of the day. If it’s a long distance D/s relationship, and you want to know how to punish a sub over text, still keep in mind the timing when administering discipline.
Anything later than a day misses the goal of teaching the sub so they will learn to never do it again. It is like waiting too long after your dog has an accident to rub their nose in it. Subs need to see that their Doms care enough about the relationship to take the time to discipline them.
BDSM punishment ideas
It needs to be emphasized that the subject of discipline should always be discussed beforehand to keep things consensual and safe. A written contract can list the types of punishments that are acceptable, and the severity that is agreed on.
- Spanking- My favorite I love to hate. Usually done on the bed without clothes on. Using the Dom’s bare hand has the advantage of keeping the physical connection between both parties. It also prevents him from doing serious damage because he will have the pain in his hand as a gauge.
- Paddling- Administered like a spanking but uses an object like an actual paddle, ruler, hair brush, etc.
- Whipping- Belts can do serious damage so this is better when done lightly.
- Biting- Usually done during a sexual encounter when a sub displeases the Dom.
- Delayed orgasm- Either for a minute or a day, to remind a sub that their Dom has the power over their sexual fullillment.
- Brazilian wax- Making a sub get this done will only work if they don’t currently enjoy doing this.
- Get your free master list with 30+ more ways
So there you have it: the basics of BDSM punishments. Keep these suggestions and ideas in mind and your D/s relationship will continue to fulfillment and bring greater fulfillment. 🖤