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You know that moment when you realize no one handed you a guidebook for BDSM? Yeah, me too. That’s why I’ve rounded up insights from five incredible kink educators to answer one important question: What’s the number one thing you wish you knew before starting BDSM? These are hard-earned lessons learned the long way so that you don’t have to. So, let’s dive in!
IN THIS EPISODE
- Discover the top BDSM lessons from 5 renowned kink educators.
- Learn why customizing your BDSM experience is crucial for long-term satisfaction and authenticity in the lifestyle.
- Explore the importance of shedding shame and embracing your desires.
- Uncover the truth about BDSM fantasies versus reality.
- How finding your place within the BDSM community can lead to personal growth and meaningful connections.
A Special Gift for You
Before we get into the amazing insights from these educators, I want to give you a little something as a thank you for being here. I’ve put together a free BDSM resource library filled with videos, guides, workbooks, quizzes, and more to support your journey. Whether you’re just starting out or deepening your dynamic, these resources are designed to help you thrive.
You can grab your free gift by clicking the image below:
The Value of Authenticity – Evie Lupine
First up is Evie Lupine, the OG YouTuber and an amazing kink educator. Evie’s message was all about authenticity. She said she wished she knew that kink could be whatever she wanted it to be. When she first started out, the information available made BDSM feel like there was a right and wrong way to do it.
Evie emphasized that while guideposts and boundaries are helpful, you shouldn’t feel chained to someone else’s definition of kink. Instead, focus on building your own mold and defining your dynamic in a way that feels authentic to you and your partner. Her advice? Learn from multiple sources, but ultimately, discover your own genuine expression.
Key takeaway: You don’t need to conform to anyone’s version of kink. Your path is valid as long as it’s consensual, safe, and true to you.
Kink is Customizable — Sunny Megatron
Sunny Megatron, an award-winning educator and creator of a Showtime original series, shared that she wished she knew earlier that kink is customizable. She discovered BDSM later in life and initially thought it would let her break free from societal rules about what women should or shouldn’t enjoy. But when she joined her local kink community, she encountered an “old guard” mindset that felt restrictive and traditional.
Sunny’s realization was a game-changer: all those so-called “rules” about how to act or what to wear? They’re just preferences. The true rule is this: BDSM is about creating your own path, not conforming to someone else’s.
Key takeaway: Kink is yours to customize. Preferences are not mandates, and you get to create a dynamic that fits your unique desires.
The Reality vs. The Fantasy — Kayla Lords and John Brownstone
Kayla Lords and John Brownstone from Loving BDSM brought their heartfelt wisdom to the table. John shared that when he first discovered BDSM, he felt like there was something wrong with him for enjoying it. Growing up without internet resources meant he often felt isolated in his desires.
Kayla added an equally important point: fantasy versus reality. The airbrushed fantasies you see in erotica, movies, or social media often don’t align with real-life BDSM. And that’s okay. BDSM doesn’t have to look like a perfectly curated scene; it’s about finding what works in the messy, beautiful reality of daily life.
Key takeaway: You’re not weird for wanting what you want, and BDSM in real life rarely matches fantasy—but that’s what makes it meaningful.
Shedding Shame – Amanda Dames (The Kink Consultant)
Amanda Danes, known online as The Kink Consultant, is someone you could easily spend hours chatting with over coffee. Amanda’s biggest revelation? That she wasn’t broken for wanting what she wanted. Early in her journey, she felt weighed down by shame and embarrassment. But once she learned to shed that shame and embrace her authentic self, she found a sense of belonging and connection.
She reminded us that millions of people are into kink—and many of them are in communities just like yours. Whether you’re from a small town, a big city, or anywhere in between, you’re not alone.
Key takeaway: BDSM can help you discover your true self and form deep, meaningful connections when you let go of shame.
You Are Not Alone – Lazarus Redmayne (The Duchy)
Lazarus Redmayne, known for his passion for rope bondage, shared a deeply personal story about growing up in a religious household. As a kid in the 80s, his only exposure to bondage was through cartoons where villains were the ones tying people up. With no one to guide him, he felt isolated and had to figure things out alone—sometimes at great risk.
Lazarus emphasized that if he’d known there were others like him, he could have learned about consent, negotiation, and safety much earlier. Thankfully, the world has changed. Resources and supportive communities are everywhere, so no one needs to feel alone anymore.
Key takeaway: BDSM communities exist to support you, and there’s a world of people who share your interests and values.
My Own Lesson – Alesandra from Dom Sub Living
To wrap things up, I want to share the one thing I wish I knew when I started BDSM: I wish I had understood how much power and potential I had. In the beginning, I felt ashamed of my desires and thought they made me a “weirdo.” But BDSM has enriched every part of my life—as a wife, mother, friend, and human being.
Practicing BDSM is challenging, but it’s also incredibly rewarding. It takes strength, patience, and vulnerability. I often say, “If being a Dom or sub was easy, everyone would be doing it.” But the truth is, it’s a journey that requires you to be present, embrace your authentic self, and savor each step along the way.
Key takeaway: BDSM is a superpower that can transform your life when you embrace your true self and stop rushing the journey.
Your Own BDSM Journey
Embarking on a BDSM journey is deeply personal and profoundly transformative. The lessons shared by these top educators underscore a common theme: authenticity, customization, and acceptance are key. Whether you are a novice or a seasoned kinkster, remember that your journey is unique, and your experiences are valid.
As a special thank you for following, I’m offering a free gift packed with BDSM resources like videos, guides, and quizzes. Click the image below to grab it!
Links From the Episode:
- Access your free gift
- Join our free community
- Connect with Evie Lupine
- Connect with Sunny Megatron
- Connect with Loving BDSM
- Connect with The Kink Consultant
- Connect with The Duchy
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