Bisexual Submissive in a BDSM Dynamic: My Story (Ep. 34)

Bisexual Submissive in a BDSM Dynamic: My Story


I’m diving deep into my experiences navigating the complexities of being both bisexual and submissive in my relationships. These parts of my identity form the backbone of my journey, and I hope sharing my story helps others who might be facing similar challenges.


  • Exploring my journey of embracing my bisexual identity and how it interacts with my submissive role.
  • Discussing the complexities of maintaining a balanced polyamorous relationship.
  • Understanding the stereotypes and challenges I’ve faced as a bisexual submissive.
  • Encouraging individuals from the LGBTQ and BDSM communities to share their own experiences.

Embracing BDSM as a Lifestyle

Here at Dom Sub Living, we focus on breaking free from the vanilla rut and embracing BDSM as a lifestyle. This journey is about more than just the power dynamics in play; it’s about finding pleasure and power in every aspect of life. It’s a transformative path that empowers us to live authentically and with intention.

As a bisexual submissive, my sexuality has significantly shaped my role in our BDSM dynamic. This episode was inspired by a response to my newsletter, where a reader questioned my identification as queer in a heterosexual dom-sub relationship. This question struck a chord with me, leading to a profound exploration of my struggles with labels and identity.

The Struggle with Labels

Labels like queer, gay, and homoflexible often feel both necessary and limiting. My journey with these identifiers has been fraught with challenges, particularly in finding one that feels right. Identifying as queer in a predominantly heterosexual relationship has led to confusion and sometimes invisibility.

This struggle also extends to biphobia and bi-erasure. I’m often seen as too straight to be gay and too gay to be straight, a paradox that can be incredibly isolating. Despite these hurdles, my partner Jay has been a huge support, accepting my bisexuality within our 24/7 power exchange relationship and allowing me the freedom to date and have other play partners.

Yet, the situation can often seem stereotypical—a heterosexual Dom with a bisexual sub seeking another female or non-binary submissive. It’s a dynamic that can appear one-sided, but it’s one that is deeply rooted in mutual consent, respect, and a genuine desire for a balanced triad.

Discovering My Bisexuality

I discovered my bisexuality at a young age, a realization that came with its own set of challenges. Coming out to my partner Jay was a delicate process, but one that ultimately strengthened our bond. His acceptance and willingness to embrace this aspect of my identity within our dynamic have been both empowering and affirming.

How to be a good sub

My preference towards women, as indicated by my place on the Kinsey scale, further complicates how I interact with labels. Terms like “homosexual” and “bisexual”, while useful, often reduce identity to just sexuality. This ignores the nuances and complexities that make us who we are.

Seeking the Ideal Partner

In our quest to expand our dynamic, I’ve been seeking a partner who is a submissive woman or non-binary individual. This preference isn’t about fitting into a patriarchal stereotype but about fulfilling a genuine desire for connection and harmony within our polyamorous relationship. The goal is to create a space where all partners feel valued, respected, and fulfilled.

The Ideal Polyamorous Triad

For a long time, I’ve envisioned an ideal situation where my partner, Jay, and I could form a triad with another submissive. This vision isn’t just about fulfilling a fantasy but about finding a balanced and harmonious polyamorous relationship. Jay and I have dated other women, hoping to find that elusive balance. However, achieving this has been more challenging than I anticipated.

Polyamory, especially when mixed with BDSM dynamics, requires a delicate balance of emotions, communication, and trust. Introducing another submissive into our relationship would complicate things even more, since we would have to consider the needs and desires of everyone involved. Finding that perfect harmony is no easy task, but it’s a journey Jay and I are committed to exploring.

Navigating Bisexuality and Submissiveness in Kink Spaces

Being both bisexual and submissive comes with unique challenges, especially in kink spaces that might cater exclusively to the LGBTQ community. While these spaces offer a safe place for many, they can sometimes cause hurdles for someone like me. I often find myself juggling stereotypes and misconceptions, both as a bisexual person and as a submissive.

One challenge is the assumption that my bisexuality means I’m constantly seeking multiple partners, which couldn’t be further from the truth. Additionally, navigating kink spaces where LGBTQ dynamics are exclusively highlighted might sometimes leave me feeling out of place. This isn’t to say these spaces aren’t accepting—they absolutely are—but finding my unique niche within them requires patience and resilience.

The Intersection of BDSM and LGBTQ Communities

Despite the challenges, one thing stands out: the overwhelming acceptance and allyship between the BDSM and LGBTQ communities. There is a beautiful, overlapping space where power dynamics and sexuality intertwine, and understanding and respect are extremely important.

In my journey, I have witnessed firsthand the solidarity these communities can offer each other. Both communities often share a commitment to authenticity, consent, and the pursuit of pleasure in a safe and consensual manner. Embracing each other’s experiences creates an environment where everyone feels seen and respected.


At the heart of it all, Dom Sub Living is about embracing power and pleasure in all forms. It’s a journey that requires continuous learning, empathy, and respect. As we continue to explore these dynamics, it is essential to remain open to growth and understanding.

As part of this journey, I want to open the floor to you! If you’re part of the LGBTQ community and involved in BDSM, I invite you to share your experiences. Your stories and insights are invaluable and create a richer, more inclusive dialogue.

Additionally, I’ve created a free cheat sheet, “How to Be a Good Sub,” designed for those looking to improve their submissive roles or for Dominants who want to better support their submissives. It’s my small way of giving back to this incredible community.

Click the image to download the free cheat sheet below:

How to be a good sub

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