Like anything in the power dynamics of an exploratory sex life, fulfilling a role can truly be transformative. It can set aside preconceptions or other baggage and let you and your partner whisk each other away to a world of untold pleasure. And it can help you tap into deeper needs and desires than you may have previously been aware of.
But the dynamic between a dominant role and a submissive in BDSM is complex. It’s as much about dutiful role playing as it is about wish fulfillment. Those in the BDSM community know it’s about give and take. An experienced role player can help their partner discover new angles of their bedroom persona.
With this in mind, are you wondering how to be a submissive in your BDSM play? You’ve come to the right place. Dom Sub Living has all of the insights would-be submissive partners need. Consider this your cheat sheet to better engage and fulfil their role to their Dom during a BDSM scene.
Whether you’re just starting your journey or looking to improve in your role, this submissive guide will show you how. Learning how to be a good submissive requires more than obedience. It takes self-awareness and a deep desire to serve. In this BDSM submissive guide, you’ll discover practical steps and expert tips on how to be a good sub.
In this How to Be Submissive Guide:
- What a BDSM Submissive Is and Isn’t
- Challenges to Learning How to Be a Good Submissive
- Will a Sub “Lose Themselves” to Their Dom?
- Taking the Submission Out of the Bedroom and Into 24/7
- How to Be a Good Submissive (Step-by-Step Guide)
- Finding Help as a BDSM Submissive in a D/s Relationship
- Frequently Asked Questions About How to Be Submissive
For extra insights, download our ‘How to Be a Good Submissive’ guide:
What a BDSM Submissive Isn’t
There are a few things to understand when discovering how to be a good sub – first and foremost, a sub is not a doormat. They have feelings and needs, so they shouldn’t serve apathetically or reluctantly. A real Dom wouldn’t want a doormat anyway. They want someone who truly desires to be owned.
Another thing to know about how to be a submissive is that being a sub isn’t consenting to abuse. Unlike BDSM, abuse has no limits or safewords. If you are a sub in a D/s relationship, be very careful not to give your submission to just anyone. True submission to a Dom must be earned first.
There are many bad and fake Doms out there. Even worse, there are predators pretending to be Doms. Only with these insights can you spot the difference between an expected form of BDSM and red flags. With this in mind, ensure you bookmark The 9 Warning Signs of Fake Doms vs Real Doms for later.
Watch our Submissive Guide Video:
Check out my page about BDSM limits, or read about The 6 Things You Need to Know About Safe Words for more safety tips.
What is a BDSM Submissive?
Here’s an important fact when it comes to understanding how to be a sub BDSM. The definition of a submissive is a person who is consensually obedient and compliant to their partner. Further, it’s someone whom also likes to give up control. They crave being used and need to serve.
They are not the lower, subservient partner of a relationship. This may seem counterintuitive, since “sub” is usually spelled in lowercase while “Dom” is usually capitalized. Instead, they choose to follow their Dom’s leadership.
Submissive vs Subservient in a Relationship That is D/s
| Submissive | Subservient |
|---|---|
| Voluntary | Involuntary |
| Full Consent | Lack of Consent |
| Mutual Power Exchange and Total Power Exchange | Unbalanced Power Play |
| Respected & Valued | Overlooked or Dismissed |
| Has a Voice | Voiceless |
Niche Roles to Explore in a D/s Relationship
Keep in mind, there is no single type of submission in the bedroom. In truth, submission speaks to a veritable host of different personas and need fulfillment roles. Here are some of the many roles a submissive can take on:
- Little (read The Ultimate Guide to DD/lg Lifestyle for more)
- Slave
- Brat
- Property
- Secretary (check out 3 Reasons Why You Need to Watch Secretary for this BDSM role)
- Pet
- Masochist
Someone who learns how to be submissive in BDSM knows that a sub strives to please their Dom in all things, not just sexually. This means they may have to give up some of their freedoms and preferences.
It is not uncommon for a sub to have a mild and quiet personality while in the presence of their Dom. They are obedient and accept discipline when needed.
It’s important to learn How to Punish a Sub Effectively. Subs in a D/s relationship aim to conduct themselves in a respectful and modest manner at all times. They recognize that their behavior is a direct reflection of their Dom.
Challenges to Learning How to Be a Good Submissive
An important thing to note when learning how to be a good submissive is that subs are not perfect; they will mess up from time to time. There’s also the fact that in a 24/7 relationship, there are constant, everyday stressors. Consider things like full-time jobs and children. Working on behavior modification and serving someone else can be hard when you are tired and pressed for time. And a test to many is being obedient even when not in the presence of their Dom.
One challenge I have had to overcome as a submissive is topping from the bottom. Initially, I would rebel a little, or try to undermine my Dom’s decisions subtly. I’ve learned that instead, the best and simplest response I can give is usually: “Yes, Daddy.” In the end, it makes both of our lives so much easier.
Will a Sub “Lose Themselves” to Their Dom?
A submissive can be confident, independent, and strong and still be a sub. Just remember: subs are not weak. When figuring out how to be a submissive, keep in mind that subs are the ones choosing this lifestyle for themselves. Their submission is a gift that only they have the power to give.
And remember, you don’t have to be in a Total Power Relationship right from the beginning, so start small.
Keep in mind that choosing to obey can be empowering. And although the sub is doing whatever their Dom asks of them and is striving to please them at all times, they adhere to a code. As with anything in BDSM play, their submission is always within their limits.
How to Be a Good Sub When Moving from ‘Bedroom Only’ to 24/7
It can be hard to take the submissive personality out of the bedroom and into everyday life. Again, being completely submissive feels overwhelming at first, so start small. Work on keeping your words and demeanor respectful to your Master. Allow them the opportunity to make choices for you.
Remember that how to be a sub in BDSM isn’t an overnight transformation. When you start small, you can explore new angles of your submissive personality. This way, you can work to discover what feels natural and what feels forced.
Mindfulness is key here. Each new dynamic can help you understand your needs, abilities, and limitations. And they can help you to come to expect and anticipate while at play. In time, you may discover the process is happening almost seamlessly.
Here are some areas you can start with when learning how to be a sub BDSM daily.
- The Dom can choose the sub’s outfit for the day
- The sub can report their meals
- Use titles and honorifics outside the bedroom
- Require permission before spending a certain amount of money
- Notify the Dom when leaving the house
- See 20+ protocol ideas here
Being submissive outside the bedroom will get easier with time, and soon the sub will begin to crave more and more.
Click the image below to download your ‘How to Be a Good Sub’ Cheat Sheet:
How to Be a Good Submissive (Step-by-Step Guide)
When learning how to be a submissive, always remember that you should be making your Dom’s life easier, not harder. Even if the sub is a brat, they should be making their Dom’s life more fun, challenging, and interesting – not harder. Subs can proactively think about what the Dom needs and fulfill it enthusiastically at any given moment.
How to Communicate with Your Dom
A D/s dynamic should be about mutually getting both of your needs and wants met. To do this, you need to communicate with your Dom regularly. You can do this by speaking respectfully, having check ins, and sharing your journal with your partner. Don’t be afraid to speak up!
How to Build Confidence as a BDSM Submissive
One of the greatest ways a sub can build confidence is by completing their Dom’s tasks. As such, submitting to any requested act within one’s BDSM contract is very important. They should also incorporate BDSM rituals and try to obey rules to the best of their ability. However, if discipline is necessary, they should take it willingly.
Wearing a collar, even a discreet one in public, can help keep a sub in the slave mindset and build confidence in their role. Click here to see my 2 favorite collars I wear.
How to be a Good Sub When Balancing Vanilla Life
A sub has many vanilla obligations that requires balance. However, a sub is property owned by someone else, and as such, they represent their Dom. This will cause a sub to take great pride in the health and presentation of their bodies. Here are some ways a sub can do this while also creating balance:
- Getting sufficient sleep
- Exercising regularly
- Eating a healthy diet
- Dressing properly
- Having good hygiene and grooming
Finding Help as a BDSM Submissive in a D/s Relationship
Being a sub can be very stressful and lonely at times, so it’s good for them to have some type of support system. Since BDSM is still a taboo lifestyle, it can often be isolating. Finding friends, mentors, and a community that a sub feels comfortable with can be challenging.
Although they can talk to their Dom about how they feel and can also journal, deeper connection may be needed. Finding an online or in-person support system is still vital and worth the effort.
Remember, engaging in BDSM requires a thorough understanding of physical and emotional safety practices. Be sure to educate yourself through reputable resources and scientific studies that will help you practice BDSM safety.
Frequently Asked Questions About How to Be Submissive
How to Be a Good Sub if I Don’t Feel Comfortable Being submissive?
Not everyone is interested in being submissive, and that’s perfectly okay. It’s important to only engage in BDSM activities that you feel comfortable with. It’s also critical to communicate your boundaries clearly with your partner.
Do I Have to Be a BDSM Submissive All the Time?
No, you do not have to be submissive all the time. BDSM submissive play is typically reserved for specific scenes or sessions. Moreover, it’s important to establish clear boundaries and expectations with your partner ahead of time.
How to Be a Good Sub When Communicating My Needs to My Dominant Partner?
Clear and open communication is key to a healthy BDSM relationship.
It’s imperative to be honest about your needs, desires, and limits with your partner. To this end, establish a safeword or other signal that you can use to communicate if things become too intense. It’s also important to regularly check in with your partner and to make adjustments if necessary. This will help ensure that both parties are happy and comfortable.
BDSM Submissive Guide Conclusion: How to Be a Good Sub
I hope this submissive guide has been as empowering as it is informative. Just remember, BDSM is as much a journey as it is a practice. And it’s one you don’t need to undergo alone.
Being a submissive is about more than a role, it’s a way of life. Knowing how to be submissive in a D/s relationship means honoring a role. It means you understand that you are held to a higher standard than just a vanilla partner. Of course, when done well, it is all worth it. When you achieve how to be a good sub, you will receive the ultimate gift of a Dom’s complete approval.
If you wish to delve deeper into submissive play, Dom Sub Living is at your disposal. Consider enrolling in our kink-centric coursework to help you in the bedroom.
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