How to Be Submissive: The Ultimate Guide
Serving a Dominant is a very fulfilling lifestyle. However, many submissive beginners are lost. They are often just looking for someone to fix them, to make them feel complete. Learning how to be submissive in a BDSM relationship can be a lot of work – physically, mentally, and sexually. How can they successfully meet the challenge? In this article, you’ll learn the real meaning of how to be a good sub in a D/s relationship.
In This Article
- What a submissive Isn’t
- What is a sub?
- Challenges of Learning How to Be a Good submissive
- Will a sub “Lose Themselves” to Their Dom?
- Taking the submission out of the bedroom and into 24/7
- How to Be a Good submissive
- Finding Help as a submissive in a D/s Relationship
- Frequently Asked Questions About How to Be Submissive
For extra insights, download our How to Be a Good submissive cheat sheet and follow along with the rest of this article.
What a submissive Isn’t
There are a few things to understand when discovering how to be a good sub – first and foremost, a sub is not a doormat. They have feelings and needs, so they shouldn’t serve apathetically or reluctantly. A real Dom wouldn’t want a doormat anyway. They want someone who truly desires to be owned.
Another thing to know about how to be a submissive is that being a sub also isn’t consenting to abuse. Unlike BDSM, abuse has no limits or safewords. If you are a sub in a D/s relationship, be very careful not to give your submission to just anyone. True submission to a Dom must be earned first. There are many bad and fake Doms out there, and even predators pretending to be Doms, so ensure you bookmark The 9 Warning Signs of Fake Doms vs Real Doms for later.
Check out my page about BDSM limits, or read about The 6 Things You Need to Know About Safe Words for more safety tips.
What is a sub?
Here’s an important fact when it comes to understanding how to be a sub – the definition of a submissive is a person who is consensually obedient and compliant to their partner, and who also likes to give up control. They crave being used and need to serve. They are the subservient partner of a relationship, and that is why “sub” is usually spelled in lowercase while “Dom” is usually capitalized. Here are some of the many roles a submissive can take on.
- Little (read The Ultimate Guide to DD/lg Lifestyle for more)
- Slave
- Property
- Secretary (check out 3 Reasons Why You Need to Watch Secretary for more about proper BDSM)
- Pet
- Masochist
Someone who learns how to be submissive knows that a sub strives to please their Dom in all things, not just sexually. This means they may have to give up some of their freedoms and preferences.
It is not uncommon for a sub to have a mild and quiet personality while in the presence of their Dom. They are obedient and accept discipline when needed, so it’s important to learn How to Punish a Sub Effectively. Subs in a D/s relationship aim to conduct themselves in a respectful and modest manner at all times, recognizing that their behavior is a direct reflection of their Dom.
Challenges of Learning How to Be a Good submissive
An important thing to note when learning how to be a good submissive is that subs are not perfect; they will mess up from time to time. There’s also the fact that in a 24/7 relationship, there are stressors like full-time jobs and children. Working on behavior modification and serving someone else can be hard when you are tired and pressed for time. And a test to many is being obedient even when not in the presence of their Dom.
One challenge I have had to overcome as a submissive is topping from the bottom. Initially, I would rebel a little, or try to undermine my Dom’s decisions subtly. I’ve learned that instead, the best and simplest response I can give is usually: “Yes, Daddy.” In the end, it makes both of our lives so much easier.
Will a sub “Lose Themselves” to Their Dom?
A submissive can be confident, independent, and strong and still be a sub. Just remember: subs are not weak. When figuring out how to be a submissive, keep in mind that subs are the ones choosing this lifestyle for themselves. Their submission is a gift that only they have the power to give. And if being completely subservient feels too scary at first, start small.
Remember that choosing to obey can be empowering. And although the sub is doing whatever their Dom asks of them and is striving to please them at all times, it is always within their limits.
Taking the submission out of the bedroom and into 24/7
It can be hard to take the submissive personality out of the bedroom and into everyday life. Again, being completely submissive feels overwhelming at first, so start small. Work on keeping your words and demeanor respectful to your Master. Allow them the opportunity to make choices for you. Here are some areas you can start with when learning how to be a sub daily.
- The Dom can choose the sub’s outfit for the day
- The sub can report their meals
- Use titles and honorifics outside the bedroom
- Require permission before spending a certain amount of money
- Notify the Dom when leaving the house
Being submissive outside the bedroom will get easier with time, and soon the sub will begin to crave more and more.
How to Be a Good submissive
When learning how to be a submissive, always remember that they should make their Dom’s life easier, not harder. Even if the sub is a brat, they should be making their Dom’s life more fun, challenging, and interesting – not harder. Subs can proactively think about what the Dom needs and fulfill it enthusiastically at any given moment.
One of the greatest ways a sub can do this is by being sexual, so submitting to any requested act within one’s BDSM contract is very important. They should also incorporate BDSM rituals and try to obey rules to the best of their ability, but if discipline is necessary, they should take it willingly.
Honestly, there are only two types of BDSM collars you need. Though, wearing a collar, even a discreet one in public, can help keep a sub in the slave mindset. They are property owned by someone else, and as such, they represent their Dom. This will cause a sub to take great pride in the health and presentation of their bodies. Here are some ways a sub can do this.
- Getting sufficient sleep
- Exercising regularly
- Eating a healthy diet
- Dressing properly
- Having good hygiene and grooming
Finding Help as a submissive in a D/s Relationship
Being a sub can be very stressful and lonely at times, so it’s good for them to have some type of support system. Since BDSM is still a taboo lifestyle, finding friends, mentors, and a community they feel comfortable with can be challenging. Although they can talk to their Dom about how they feel and can also journal, finding an online or in-person support system is still vital and worth the effort.
Remember, true submission is not just a role but a way of life. Knowing how to be submissive in a D/s relationship means you understand that you are held to a higher standard than just a vanilla partner, but it is all worth it. They will receive the ultimate gift of a Dom’s complete approval.
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Frequently Asked Questions About How to Be Submissive
What if I Don’t Feel Comfortable Being submissive?
Not everyone is interested in being submissive, and that’s perfectly okay. It’s important to only engage in BDSM activities that you feel comfortable with and to communicate your boundaries clearly with your partner.
Do I Have to Be Submissive All the Time?
No, you do not have to be submissive all the time. BDSM play is typically reserved for specific scenes or sessions, and it’s important to establish clear boundaries and expectations with your partner ahead of time.
How Can I Communicate My Needs to My Dominant Partner?
Clear and open communication is key to a healthy BDSM relationship. It’s important to be honest about your needs, desires, and limits with your partner, and to establish a safeword or other signal that you can use to communicate if things become too intense. It’s also important to regularly check in with your partner and to make adjustments if necessary to ensure that both parties are happy and comfortable.
