Whether you are just curious about BDSM or you have been playing for a long time, you have probably encountered many myths about it. Below are some of the top ones debunked. These were originally featured in the newsletter for “Dom Sub Living” and more will continue to be added.
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Myth: Real subs don’t have safewords
FACT: If a sub is new to BDSM or coming into a new relationship, it is a huge red flag if they say they don’t have safewords. Safewords build trust and bring meaning into the relationship. Be comfortable using them and you will experience greater pleasure.
Myth: BDSM is always sexual
FACT: During scenes it is not uncommon for there to be no sexual contact with the other person. Also many find gratification in the nonsexual aspects of rituals and ageplay.
Myth: Ageplayers are Pedophiles
FACT: Pedophillia is having sexual feelings towards children, and a sub is a consenting adult. For example, a DaddyDom wants to be with HIS little girl, not little girls in general.
Myth: A person who is dominant or submissive in life will prefer that role in BDSM
FACT: People who are dominant in life will sometimes take on a submissive role in the bedroom, and vice versa. It’s normal to want a break from being how you are at work or in your day to day relationships.
Myth: People who practice BDSM have multiple partners
FACT: People who practice BDSM can be monogamous, polyamorous, or whatever they want to be. Not everyone who’s interested in a kinky lifestyle has multiple sexual or relationship partners. Many are looking for a long-term relationship, or just want to play with their current partner.
Myth: Switches are usually bisexual
FACT: Switches can be straight, gay, or bi. Just because a person likes switching between Dominant and submissive roles, doesn’t mean they like switching their sexual orientation.
The Myth that most Dominant Women are man haters and man abusers.
That is simply Not true.
Most Dominant Women truly care about their male sub/slave.
There are always exception, but we must always be mindful of who we interact with no matter what the situation is, in and out of the lifestyle
This is also the same for a Male Dom and female sub/slave
I 100% agree. ????
<3 Thank you
Totally agree
Well I’ve heard that virgin Doms are bad Doms and no sub would go for a virgin Dom, is that true? Cuz I’ve been reading a lot of BDSM guides and guides on how to be a Dom and they never talk about that.
Ps: I’m a virgin and I’ve been researching on how to be a good Dom/ Master and I’m currently single ????.
Definitely not true, Jason. 😉
Oh thank goodness that’s a relief.
I think in Jason case he will read all sayings about being a dom but its the individual who is new does his research well and read what the guides say here be trusting and caring in his new role and most of all a gentleman to his sub its important that that TRUST isn’t broken and keep what is been agreed between the two parties or more involved
I’m new to BDSM. Honestly, having someone as new as me would put my mind at ease.
Yes, experience is wonderful; however, it’s intimidating. I don’t know how to say things or communicate things with an experienced Dom because.. I’m afraid they’re going to laugh or judge me.
If they laugh at you or judge you they’re not a dom, they’re an abuser and you should run away as fast as you can, screaming as loud as you can, before it’s too late. I’ve met at least one couple in the scene (others probably didn’t talk about it) where the sub was in an abusive relationship before because she thought that’s what a D/S relationship was meant to be. Fortunately, she finally met a genuine master and they are now blissfully married.
I so understand where you are coming from on that.
I completely agree, and would like to extend that to virgin subs, who are also talked very badly about from what I have been seeing. I too have been reading guides on how to be a good sub and many seem to look on virgin subs as being unable to understand/ unable to know their preferences.
To a point, that might be actually true, as some things can only be experienced in a duo, but I’m still going to argue that one can still try out many things in selfbondage 😀
PS: as propably guessed already, I am a virgin and want to be a sub sometime, though I am currently single
I was a virgin with my Dom and that wasn’t a problem. It doesn’t matter that you’re inexperienced. You may worry that you won’t be as good as others he’s been with. But it’s ok, he can teach you how to pleasure him ????
Your sexual experiences should not be the main topic unless all you seek is a sex slave. BDSM is mental, physical, and emotional. Sex is the benefit of the relationship just as it is in the vanilla world. Focus your attention on learning to be a good Dom/Master and the sexual benefits will come with the sub/slave you choose
That’s a great point! My partner (my long distance Dom) is technically still a virgin, but has the maturity, the intelligence, the patience, has done serious research with which his psychology/ sociology degrees play a huge role into, he can be very serious or low key/laid back. But there’s never any doubt that he’s the Dominant, I feel safe and treasured. Communication is so important, seeing people with eyes wide open, being able to care and guide, it can really turn someone’s life around. Always keep learning.
I can understand why anyone not completely into the lifestyle can come to that conclusion although only a myth. It must stem from the kind of sexual contact those who practice BDSM have. Some people who are of the society based “normal” types, can be just as much a misogynist or man hater as any Dominate or Dominatrix are thought to be.
I really dislike it when it is assumed that being in the life or a kinkster is considered freakish or that you like to be abused.
This is so terribly far from the truth. I rarely talk about my sexual life with friends when the topic arrises because if the judgement.
It’s right up there with the assumption that men who like anal play are gay!
Very upsetting to me!
I totally agree, Donna!
Some of my vanilla friends consider the BDSM lifestyle to be abuse. I’ve tried to explain it to them, to no avail.
I can totally relate, Bill. Some people just don’t get that BDSM is NOT abuse.
Bill, you are not alone…
Think of this way..
We would not ask a toddler to teach us how to drive a car, and we would not expect them to understand what is truly involved and how responsible we must be when driving a car.
I find this to be the same case with vanilla friends and them wanting or having a concept of this lifestyle.
When and only when they are ready to allow themselves to understand and learn (even if only through the means of reading or talking about it.) will they truly Hear you.
Don’t spin your wheels on ice, it gets you know where.
you will find much more comfort in finding a kink minded friend to discuss these matters with and when with your vanilla friends avoid the conversation by excusing yourself from it or by not participating in the conversation if you do not want the grief and frustration.
you owe no-one an explanation and it is not your place to educate those who are not willing to truly hear you.
May you find home, peace and comfort in all you do..
Always be true to yourself, but that doesn’t mean you owe anyone an explanation.
Stay safe in these uncertain times.
I’m a sub virgin and I long to talk to my friends about my newfound fantasies and longings. I’ll be more careful now- not wanting them to judge me, because I’ll be hurt if the do. And some of them will, I know that sadly.
So thank you for your words. I needed to hear them. All of them. Thank you
I am new to this wonderful lifestyle so thankyou for the advice you have all posted. I am very interested in both dom and sub and need guidance. How can I meet like minded people. Regards Brendon
Hi Brendon! Thank you so much for your comment, I really appreciate it.
There are lots of online and offline ways to find other like minded people. I share the my favorite places in Lesson 7 of Dom Sub Training. Take care!
A few of the huge myths:
1. Submissives are manipulated.
2. You need to be sadistic to be a good Dom.
3. If you are sadistic you can not love your partner.
These are the ones from people who don’t live the lifestyle. However…. there is one that I find highly disturbing- and lives among wannabe Doms. Its this one:
I am dominant, so you respect me.
In my opinion, respect is to be earned, not taken.
Here is what I believe: A true dom always puts his submissive’s needs first. Before his own.
Alesandra, I love your views and the way you are able to explain things so clearly. Thank you.
You’re very welcome, Sam! I’m so glad you’re enjoying the site. ????
Just wanting to know more on starting this…husband and I are putting our marriage back together after a year and a half…I thought this would be not just new…but a blast!!!
Hi Lori
Not only is BDSM a blast, but it is a great way for you and your partner to truly know each other. Journaling is a great way to let your feeling’s be known if you are unable to voice them.
You came to the perfect place to learn and become educated about BDSM. I have found that Alessandra and Dom sub living has supplied me with the best information out there they’ll never steer you wrong good luck and I hope you and your husband work things out.
I’m a virgin but am very interested in the BDSM lifestyle and would LOVE to engage. Although I have no physical experience, I have met and engaged with many people online who are a part of the BDSM community. Through them I have discovered and learned my preferences and my kinks, but sometimes I feel I might be too complicated for another to want to engage with me sexually in that way. I know I’m more dominant sexually, but I don’t mind switching at all. I’m in no way a masochist, but I DO like the aspect of being restrained. I have very sadistic fantasies and would love to engage in sexual torture, but have an extremely bratty personality. I also feel my non binary identity might put some people off.
Hi Gene! It has been my experience that the BDSM Community is very accepting of all levels of experience, and it is extremely inclusive in terms of identities. As long as you take things slow I’m sure you’ll be fine. ????
I desire this lifestyle as a sub with every fiber of my being. My issue is the love of my life is happy with vanilla. He sees BDSM as “whips and chains” and wants nothing of it.
I wish I knew how to introduce him in a manner, he as our Alpha, would appreciate.
I just turned 61 years old and have met a man who wants to be my dominant. I am excited at the thought of being his submissive. Am I too old for this?
Hi Cindi
I will be 60 in October. I personally am switch. I’ve never been happier. So I believe… NO MA’AM, you are not too old.
If it makes you happy then enjoy your life as a submissive! Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Sincerely,
Donna
I am 57 and just beginning my path to be a good Dom. I am lucky enough to have met an experienced sub that has recognized the kink in me. My research has allowed me to understand and embrace what i have buried for all my life. I am happy, excited and absolutely not too old.
The ultimate message of the movie Secretary is great. Despite their MH challenges they found what really works for them (to hell with what “everyone else” believes and even insists are normal).
Me and my sg started off our ‘what works for us’ (B&D) in the bedroom. After a couple years it grew into the other areas of our lives as D/s. Based on this experience I’d tell the younger newbys: starting off in the bedroom and over time letting it go from there is a good way. It gives the option to explore and shape what works for you. Ultimately If it feels right and comes natural to you both then this gives it its best chance to work on that higher level. And of course reading excellent sites like domsubliving
Thanks to every one for being able to post there questions, concerns or curiosity. As I go along my journey knowing I’m not alone and that there are resources like Domsubliving available is a huge relief. Being able to continue getting to know this part of who I am is exciting and scared but I’m greatful to have help on this journey and ,albeit questions I haven’t even thought of. It thought provoking.
Personally, I find it annoying that being Dominant requires Me to be an Expert In All Things BDSM … and while I like the feeling of taking charge, I’m far from an expert, even after 27 years of involvement.
To Me, D/s is about self-discovery, and connection. We are all learning. Taking charge isn’t about knowing; it’s about being. Knowledge comes through R&D.
That being said, learning is a vital part. But that’s why most communities I know about have mentorship.
I don’t know if this applies globally, but sometimes people view BDSM as “kinky bedroom times” rather than a lifestyle, and isn’t that one of the biggest myths in the BDSM community, or is that more of a misconception?
I have been reading on D/s relationships and everyone is keep saying an asexual person can’t be in this type of relationships. Is this true?
Do one have to be allosexual or sex-indifferent / sex-favourable(sex-positive) ace would be enough?
I can’t see why that would be true, Onur. Like Alesandra said, BDSM relations aren’t always sexual and even involving sexual practices, the asexual person doesn’t have to do anything they don’t want to do and still have fun.
Completely agree…
I was married for 20 years. We tried many thins. Bondage, sensory deprivation, spanking, flogging, toys, video, pictures, food, and maybe some others that I’m forgetting. My wife was never into sex, vanilla or kinky. Through our trying different things, I discovered I enjoy bandage, spanking, and that I’m dominant, though I have never had the chance to apply that inclination. I’ve been looking for the right sub for 5 years but I live in a rural area. Pickings are slim.
Hello!
Just something I’d like to add to the “Switches are usually bisexual” myth. Alesandra says that “switching between Dominant and submissive roles, doesn’t mean they like switching their sexual orientation” and just to make it clear: bisexuality is not switching sexual orientation. People can read it like that, and I don’t think that was Alesandra’s intention.
Two things I want to say the myth I am tired of hearing is that dominant women hate men and also do any bdsm enthusiasts still use the handkerchief or bandana way of recognizing others who are the counterpart to their role by the different colored bandana and in which pocket they wear it in
My BF and I have a brand new Submissive Dom relationship. I am the Sub and enjoy it!! our life together has grown sweeter together. But now my Dom would like us to switch every now and then. Him Being my Sub.
Asking everyone can this be successful? going back and forth? Seems confusing… I am a natural Sub… and I love it. But excited to let him experience the love from a submissive view.
Advice?
Try it! Your Dom asked you to. (Which may have been hard for him) You may even enjoy it! And yes it can be done! It’s about the energy you’re both feeling. It will naturally shift with the dynamic. Set the scene, relax and own it. You are only submitting to his desires which comes naturally to subs. And as you said so well, you also desire to show him love from a submissive view. From that perspective it may come easier. Good luck!