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Finding a trustworthy Dominant is one of the most important parts of a healthy Dom/sub (D/s) relationship. But the truth is, not everyone who calls themselves a Dominant is actually ready—or even safe—to lead. I’ll walk you through the top five red flags that signal a “fake dom.” If you want to build a BDSM dynamic based on trust, consent, and growth, keep reading.
IN THIS EPISODE
- The top five reasons why Dominants fail and how to avoid sabotaging your D/s dynamic.
- What a “fake Dom” really means and why it’s more than just being “bad” at dominance.
- The biggest, most overlooked red flags when identifying a fake Dom in both online and real-life spaces.
- Why true Dominance is based on trust, consent, and personal stability—not entitlement or intimidation.
- Actionable tips, practical examples, and resources to strengthen your dominance and create a safer, healthier D/s relationship.
What Is a Fake Dom?
The term “fake Dom” gets thrown around a lot in the BDSM community, but what does it really mean? Simply put, a fake Dom is anyone who claims to be dominant but fails to embody the qualities that make a Dom worthy of your trust.
They may not be experienced or ethical. Some are predators, scammers, abusers, or just plain irresponsible. Others are inexperienced and think being a Dom is all about control and entitlement. While the phrase isn’t perfect, for now it’s still the one most people understand. If you have a better term, definitely let me know!
You can identify fake Doms by their behaviors and attitudes—especially if they ignore the core values of communication, consent, and respect in a power exchange relationship. Let’s get into the warning signs.
Red Flag #1: They Can’t Lead Their Own Life
One of the most overlooked red flags is when a Dom can’t even manage their own responsibilities. Remember, you shouldn’t hand over your submission to someone who’s emotionally chaotic, unreliable, or not in control of their own life.
This doesn’t mean a Dom has to be a millionaire or look like a romance novel hero. But if they’re always overwhelmed, missing commitments, or rely on others to manage their mood, they’re probably not ready to lead anyone else.
I’ve seen many people fall for someone’s confidence and style—only to realize later that “big Dom energy” was really just insecurity in disguise. True leadership starts with self-leadership. If a Dom flakes on their own promises, why would they keep promises to their sub?
Quick Tips for Submissives:
- Pay attention to how they live, not just what they say.
- Do they handle their own responsibilities?
- Are they consistent and emotionally stable? If they can’t lead themselves with integrity, they won’t be able to lead you with care.
Red Flag #2: They Lead With Titles and Entitlement
A solid Dom never starts conversations with “Hey, pet” or “You’re my slave now.” Using honorifics (like Sir, Daddy, or Mistress) right away is a giant red flag. Real Doms earn these titles through trust and negotiation—they don’t demand them from strangers.
This type of entitlement is not confidence—it’s a sign that they don’t understand consent or the basics of power exchange. You wouldn’t let a stranger walk up and call you baby on the street; you shouldn’t accept it in the kink world, either.
If a Dom insists on using honorifics without your agreement, they’re not respecting the dynamic, and they’re certainly not keeping things safe or consensual.
Red Flag #3: They Skip Negotiation and Basic Safety
Anyone who rushes straight into scenes or control—without talking about limits, safe words, aftercare, or contracts—is a probably a fake Dom. Some people claim, “I’m experienced, I know what I’m doing,” but that’s not a reason to ignore negotiation. In fact, experience should make someone more likely to insist on clear boundaries.
Even if you think you’re on the same page, don’t skip this step. I took two weeks negotiating my first D/s dynamic with my husband—even though we were already married and trusted each other! We talked through everything: pain tolerance, triggers, curiosity, hard and soft limits, aftercare. That’s how trust is built.
If a Dom skips these basics, it’s a sign that they care more about control than their sub’s safety.
Red Flag #4: They Reduce the Dynamic to Just Sex
BDSM is about much more than sex. It’s about building rituals, structure, growth, and connection. A fake Dom will focus solely on physical intimacy, sending sexual demands or requests for photos before trust is built.
If every task centers around sex, and there’s no structure or discussion about protocols, aftercare, or emotional needs, you’re not being “trained”—you’re being used. A real Dom invests in their sub as a whole person, not just a source of gratification.
Red Flag #5: They Use Fear and Intimidation Instead of Trust
By far, the most dangerous red flag is when a Dom uses fear to control their sub. They might say things like, “You’re not a real sub if you won’t do this,” or “If you really trusted me, you’d prove it.” Sometimes the manipulation is subtle—like guilt-tripping, punishing emotionally, or shaming for needing aftercare.
D/s dynamics are built on ongoing, enthusiastic consent and informed decision making. If a sub ever feels afraid to use their safeword or set boundaries, you’re not in a healthy power exchange. Submission should be a gift, never something taken or forced.
If your Dom uses fear, silence, or emotional manipulation (instead of respect and care), it’s time to step back and reevaluate. No kink dynamic should compromise your safety or self-worth.
What Should You Do If You Notice These Red Flags?
The good news is that you can always course-correct. Real Doms are willing to admit mistakes, revisit the basics, and rebuild trust. If you realize you’ve missed these signs, don’t panic. Communicate, clarify expectations, and put structure in place.
If you’re a submissive, trust your gut. If something feels off, speak up or walk away. Don’t settle for control without care, or for someone who plays at dominance without earning your trust.
Take the Next Step
If you want to see where you or your partner land on the “real Dom vs. fake Dom” scale, you can take my free quiz. And if you’re truly ready to build a dynamic built on trust, depth, and lasting structure, check out my Dom Sub Training Course for step-by-step guidance.
The BDSM community can be a beautiful, empowering space—but only when we keep our standards high for safety and mutual respect. Calling out fake Doms doesn’t just protect ourselves, it helps raise the bar for everyone.
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