In the BDSM community there is a saying: Safe, Sane, Consensual, or SSC. Whether you are new to the Dom/sub lifestyle or have been playing for a long time, this is the foundation for any D/s relationship. You should always follow these three principles and so should your partner. But what does Safe, Sane, Consensual mean in real life? Here’s how to practically implement SSC, so you can enjoy the lifestyle to the full.
Safe
Before engaging in BDSM, there should alway be a discussion of limits, both hard and soft. Respect these at all times. All effort should be made to make a scene as safe as possible, especially for the Dominant setting it up. Examples include:
Agreeing beforehand a safe gesture instead of a word if choking is acceptable. And if the gesture involves the arms/hands, having these free at all times during choking.
Taking steps to avoid severe burns and fires during wax play.
Of course there are MANY more safety issues but the point is they need to be communicated, identified, and prevented. Nobody wants an embarrassing visit to the emergency room or to have to call the fire department.
Sane
Both the Dom and the sub should be adults in a sound state of mind. Even though BDSM is a form of therapy for some, if there are severe mental health issues present make sure to address them with a professional.
Also under the principle of “Sane”: Don’t do anything stupid! For example, if you want to play rape, don’t kidnap your partner in public and attack them. You will most likely end up in jail.
“Sane” also implies that all parties are honest about their intentions, expectations, abilities, training, and experience levels.
You can learn more about fake and abusive Doms or subs here.
Consensual
This is probably the core of BDSM and what many vanillas cannot wrap their heads around. All parties involved need to really WANT this. Hopefully there is a contract or at the very least safewords.
Even with consensual non-consent there should be a prior discussion and an extreme amount of trust. No one should ever reluctantly practice BDSM just to make someone else happy. From simple kink to Total Power Exchange, from playful spankings to hardcore punishments, EVERYTHING has to be consensual.
You can learn more about consensual non-consent here.
Always keep and respect the three principles of SSC (Safe, Sane, Consensual) . They are what separates BDSM from criminal abuse or neurotic self-destructive behavior. Have fun, but make sure to always play responsibly. 🖤
What does safe, sane, consensual mean to you? Chat with me in the comments.
This is the article I never wanted to write. In creating Dom Sub Living I’ve met so many great Dominants, but I’ve also come across a lot of fakes. I have also heard from far too many submissives about their scary experiences with bad doms. I try to keep this blog positive, but I eventually realized that a “Fake dom vs Real Dom” article was necessary. A fake dom can range from a sleazy person or oblivious newbie, to a severely abusive individual. If you’re a sub and want to know the warning signs, red flags, and how to spot a fake Dom, then keep reading. This article will also help Doms who want to avoid bad dominant traits, and gain the trust of their submissive.
DISCLAIMER: This article is just a guideline. It can help confirm your suspicions if your instincts are telling you something’s a red flag. However, just because a Dom has one of these characteristics doesn’t mean they are “bad” or a “fake”. I am also fully aware that there are a lot of bad subs out there too, and many of these points can correspond to them as well. As always, all of my articles apply to both female Dommes and male submissives.
9 Warning Signs of a Fake Dom
1. They’re not dominant in their own life
To me, this is the biggest indicator if a Dom is ready to have a sub. After all, if they can’t control their own life, they’re not going to be able to control someone else’s. They don’t need to be a CEO of their own company or be a Christian Grey, but they should be a successful Alpha in their own realm. A Dominant needs to have their life together and be responsible. Then they can be responsible for someone else.
2. They’re new
I’m not saying that a good Dom can’t be new, but definitely exercise caution if someone has little or no experience in the lifestyle. It’s been my experience that a lot of fake Doms are newbies. They just assume they’re Dom, because they like to control people and want a girl to have sex with whenever they want. A lot of times they’re also just basing their knowledge on what they’ve seen in porn, vs actual reality. A real Dom though, even a new Dom, will see this lifestyle as a whole lot of work on their part.
3. Uses pet names
I cannot tell you how many times I’ve been called “Princess” by guys I don’t know. Using pet names like Princess, Sweetie, or Kitten before they know the person isn’t just a red flag, it’s hugely disrespectful. So is a Dominant referring to themselves as Daddy or Master and expecting the other person to use those terms too. Pet names should only be used when you’re in a relationship or both parties are comfortable with using them. When in doubt, ask permission first.
4. They’re polyamorous
Polyamorous relationships are a lot of work and should not be taking lightly. Unfortunately, many “Doms” put out there from the very beginning that they want more than one sub. They may use the lifestyle as an excuse to sleep around. They say things like, “I’m not like other Doms, my needs are very high and I need more than one sub to fulfill them.” A sub should never feel pressured to go along with a polyamorous relationship. A Dom needs to prove they can take care of one sub before they expect to take another.
5. They need money or gifts
These are usually scammers or “cat fish” types. For example, they may really want to come visit, but need money for the plane ticket first. Or they outright ask for money or expensive gifts for the sub to continue their “training” or prove their submission. I’m not talking about ethical financial domination, which usually comes after a long history of trust. But just remember that it is the Dom’s job to support the sub, not the other way around.
6. Lies, cheats, or has other bad dominant traits
Lying or cheating are childish traits and not signs of someone with maturity and self-control. If the dom is in a relationship already, and their partner doesn’t know they’re seeing someone else, this is a huge red flag. It’s selfish, and many will justify it because they’re not getting their needs met. A real Dom is more concerned about giving than receiving though. They may say they have tried telling their partner they are unhappy, but have they told their partner they are so unhappy that they have started cheating? A fake Dom avoids facing responsibility for their actions, and it will be very hard for a sub to trust a dom who lies or cheats.
7. Doesn’t know or address BDSM basics
Many fake doms will say they’re experienced but don’t take the time with a sub to go over limits, safewords, contracts, or training. They may not even know what any of these terms involve. They might even make the excuse that since they are “experienced” they know what they’re doing and don’t need to go over limits, etc. This is disregarding the foundation of BDSM, that everything be safe, sane, and consensual. Every new relationship should at least have a discussion of the basics, and every sub has the right to speak up.
8. Focuses only on sex
This is probably the most common red flag. A fake dom may seem only interested in sex, or focus mostly on sexual training. They may ask for nudes or sexual tasks right from the beginning for the sub to prove their worthiness. This isn’t to say that it’s wrong if a BDSM relationship is only sexual, or if a couple is only Dom/sub in the bedroom. But if a submissive is constantly wanting more than just a sexual relationship, it’s time to reevaluate things. Other warning signs that the dom is only interested in getting their sexual needs fulfilled are if they give little or no aftercare.
9. Uses intimidation with the sub
This can happen even in vanilla relationships and is a sign of abuse. If a dominant keeps the sub from their family and friends, or tells them they aren’t a “real” sub if they don’t do something, this is dangerous manipulation. A sub should also never be made to be fearful to use their safewords, and discipline and punishments should never be given out of uncontrolled anger.
Other Dominant Red Flags
There are other warning signs that someone is a fake or bad dom, such as:
Stops communication or pulls away without giving an explanation
Uses the sub as a maid so they don’t have to pick up after themselves (a sub is not their mother)
Always mentions they are an “experienced” Dom (they are probably trying to make themselves seem better than they actually are)
The easiest way to spot a fake dom is to get them to talk and see what they’re thinking. A good idea is to ask them, “What does being a Dom mean to you?” Or “What does your training involve?” Another thing a sub can do is ask for references from other subs or members in the BDSM community. If a Dom refuses to give references or just says their past sub is “psycho”, that’s a red flag that they may be hiding something.
Fake Dom vs Real Dom Graphic
To make it easier for you to know how to spot a fake Dom, I created this graphic. Feel free to share it to encourage others to know the signs of a fake dom vs real Dom.
Unfortunately there are a lot of fake or bad doms out there, but the good news is that there a lot of real Doms too. I hope the biggest take away you get from this article is to use your instincts and trust your intuition. Submissives, please remember the warning signs to look for and don’t be afraid to speak up. You don’t have to settle, and you don’t deserve to. And Dominants, know that being in this role is a big responsibility, and commit to being a good example for others in the community.
Please click the social icons below to share this article, and together we can start a healthy discussion and promote awareness. 🖤
What are some red flags you’ve seen with fake doms? Chat with me in the comments.
