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It’s a common myth in the BDSM community that you need a partner to start exploring kink. As someone who began my own journey solo, I’m here to tell you that isn’t true. Some of the most confident and skilled Dominants and submissives I know actually started out by themselves.
Whether you’re single, in a vanilla relationship, or just not ready to dive into a partnership, you can absolutely build your BDSM skills and identity now. In this article, I’ll share my personal experiences, give you actionable steps, and help you embrace your journey—partnered or not.
IN THIS EPISODE
- Why you don’t need a partner to start exploring BDSM—and how solo practice builds real confidence.
- The biggest mistakes new Dominants and submissives make when waiting for the “perfect” partner.
- Step-by-step ways to build your Dominant or submissive skills.
- How to create solo rituals, protocols, and training ideas for personal growth in your kink journey.
- Expert tips for staying safe and finding a compatible partner, including real-life examples and resources.
Can You Practice BDSM Without a Partner?
A lot of people think BDSM must always involve another person. This is simply not the case. Before I met my Dominant (who later became my husband), I wasn’t in any relationship at all. I used to believe I needed to find someone before I could start exploring. But eventually, I realized that the best thing I could do was focus on myself first—and I saw just how powerful that could be.
When you start solo, you give yourself time and space to discover your true desires, work through any shame or doubts, and learn the practical skills that make a healthy and satisfying dynamic possible once you are ready for a partner. Plus, it means you’re never “waiting” for someone else to get started. You get to grow into your role at your own pace and show up with confidence when the right person does come along.
Why Start Solo? The Benefits of Exploring Alone
When you spend time learning about BDSM for yourself, you gain so much. Here are a few of the biggest advantages I’ve seen—not just in my own journey, but in my clients and students, too:
- Confidence: By practicing rituals, journaling, and experimenting on your own, you become clear about your needs and limits.
- Self-Knowledge: You’ll be able to communicate your desires to a future partner, instead of just hoping they “get it.”
- Avoiding Mistakes: Many people who rush in without self-exploration end up settling for the wrong dynamics, or making early mistakes that could have been avoided.
- Attraction: By embodying a dominant or submissive energy in your solo life, you naturally attract more compatible partners when the time comes.
Time and again, I’ve witnessed subs and Doms who took the time to build their identity on their own having smoother, healthier, and more connected relationships when they finally paired up.
Common Challenges (And Myths) About Solo BDSM
You might find yourself thinking things like:
- “I’m married to a vanilla partner—how can I practice?”
- “I’m single—who would I even train or learn with?”
- “Isn’t BDSM something I have to do with someone else?”
Trust me, I’ve heard (and felt) all these doubts before. But the truth is, BDSM is a personal journey as much as it is a partnered one. Whether your partner isn’t interested or you’re not in a relationship, it’s still possible—and beneficial—to start building your skills and confidence now.
Be careful to avoid the trap of “research mode.” This is where you read endless books and watch all the YouTube videos, but never take action. It’s easy to fall into the idea that you need to wait until you’re “ready” or until you meet the “perfect partner”—but really, the best time to start is now.
How to Start Practicing BDSM Solo
Ready to begin your journey, even if you’re alone? Here are my five essential steps:
1. Examine Your Mindset & Beliefs
Ask yourself: What do I believe about myself as a Dom or sub? Are there any fears or shame I need to address? Journaling or meditating on these thoughts helps a lot. If you need to, seek support—a good coach or online community can make a world of difference.
2. Learn About the Lifestyle
Don’t just consume kink media passively—reflect on what resonates with you. What things excite you? Which practices feel the most authentic? Understanding your values and boundaries is key.
3. Develop Daily Rituals
Rituals aren’t just for partnered scenes. Try mindful activities like preparing your morning coffee with intention, wearing jewelry that symbolizes submission or Dominance, or using specific postures. These habits help ground your chosen dynamic in your everyday life.
4. Build Core Skills
Work on practical skills like communication, negotiation, planning scenes, or learning impact play (even on yourself using toys or pillows). Dominants can practice self-command by sticking to personal goals, while subs might focus on anticipatory service or etiquette.
5. Embody Your Chosen Role
How would your ideal Dominant or submissive self walk, talk, or act? Start making those tweaks in your daily life, no matter who’s watching. This not only helps your confidence, but it also makes you more attractive to potential partners who notice your energy.
Solo Practices and Rituals: Examples for Dominants & Submissives
Here are some concrete solo practices you can start with:
For submissives:
- Journal daily about your feelings and goals
- Practice kneeling or resting postures privately
- Set intentions for service, even if it’s service to yourself
- Wear a discreet token, like a necklace or anklet
- Volunteer or offer help to others as a form of service
For Dominants:
- Meditate to ground yourself in a calm, confident mindset
- Practice verbal commands or assertive speech in the mirror
- Set and accomplish small goals as a way to master self-discipline
- Learn rope or impact skills using safe substitutes
If you’re in a vanilla relationship, you can introduce subtle energy shifts through your rituals and see how your partner responds. I’ve coached people who gradually layered in these changes, and their partners found themselves naturally attracted to the new dynamic—no labels needed.
What Happens When You’re Ready for a Partner?
Eventually, you might want to transition from solo exploration to partnered play. When that time comes, it pays to already have clarity. Here’s what I recommend:
- Get clear on your wants, limits, and non-negotiables.
- Show up in safe spaces, like local munches or vetted online communities (never rush into private meetings).
- Focus on making friends and building rapport first—removing the pressure to “find a partner” can help you spot genuine connections.
- Be aware of safety red and green flags, especially online: Look for transparent, patient, and consent-focused people, not those pushing your boundaries.
If you’re concerned about how to bring your interests up with a vanilla partner, start from a place of curiosity. Use language that’s emotion-led and simple, and invite rather than pressure.
Boost Your Journey: Community and Resources
The best growth happens when you’re connected with others. If you want step-by-step support, my free Bootcamp will guide you further, no partner needed. Inside, you’ll find daily lessons, a supportive community, and real-life examples from Dominants and submissives just like you. If you want more, my All Access Pass provides in-depth training and one-to-one coaching.
You Don’t Need to Wait Any Longer
BDSM is about becoming the Dominant or submissive you want to be, not waiting for someone else to define it for you. Starting on your own isn’t just possible—it’s smart, empowering, and often leads to healthier, more rewarding dynamics down the line.
If you’re ready for your next step, join my free Bootcamp and take your BDSM journey into your own hands. You don’t need anyone else’s permission to start living the life you want—and the more you embrace your solo exploration, the more you’ll attract the right partner when the time is right.
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