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If you’ve ever wondered, “Am I a real Dom or sub?” or felt like you don’t quite belong in the BDSM community, you are not alone. In fact, feeling like an “imposter” is one of the most common struggles I hear from members of Dom Sub Living. Let’s help you break free from imposter syndrome and start owning your place in the lifestyle – because you do belong here, no matter where you’re starting from.
IN THIS EPISODE
- Why feeling like an imposter is totally normal for new Doms and subs in BDSM.
- How to overcome self-doubt and build true confidence in your Dominance or submission.
- Ways to explore your Dom or sub identity, even if you don’t have a partner yet.
- Why your age, experience, or background should never hold you back in the BDSM lifestyle.
- Top tips for stopping comparison and finally feeling like you belong in the kink community.
What Is Imposter Syndrome in BDSM?
Imposter syndrome is that nagging voice in your head that says:
- “I’m too new to BDSM.”
- “I’m not Dominant (or submissive) enough.”
- “I’m too awkward/old/inexperienced.”
- “Other people know what they’re doing, but I’m just faking it.”
Sound familiar? Trust me – even the most confident Doms and subs you see online have felt this way. I certainly did when I started. But here’s the truth: If you care about consent, ethics, and doing things “right,” you’re already on the path of being a real Dom or sub.
These Feelings Are Normal (And Even Helpful!)
So why do so many kinksters feel like imposters when they first start exploring BDSM? It’s actually a good sign. That self-doubt means you care about your partner’s safety and well-being. You want to get it right, and that’s a wonderful instinct!
The myth of the “natural Dom” or “born sub” is just that – a myth. No one wakes up one day knowing exactly how to lead a scene or submit perfectly. BDSM is a skill, and so is confidence. These are things you build, not traits you’re born with.
And remember, social media can make it seem like everyone has it all together – perfect collars, perfect protocols, perfect lives. That’s just the highlight reel. Behind the scenes, everyone is working, learning, and growing.
You Don’t Need a Partner to Be a Real Dom or Sub
One of the biggest myths I see is, “I can’t be a Dom without a sub,” or “I’m not a real sub without a Dom.” Not true!
You can absolutely explore your Dominant or submissive identity solo. In fact, spending time building self-awareness on your own often leads to healthier, more fulfilling power exchange dynamics when you do find a partner.
Here are a few ways to build your Dom or sub self before you’re in a relationship:
- Journaling your thoughts, desires, and boundaries.
- Setting solo rituals or protocols (like making coffee a certain way or practicing posture).
- Working on your communication skills – even if it’s just writing imaginary scenes.
- Exploring emotional control and self-discipline.
When you know who you are, any future partner will be lucky to share this journey with you!
Age and Experience Don’t Matter – You Belong Here
Another big myth: “I’m too old” or “I’ve missed my chance.” I see new Doms and subs in their 50s, 60s, and even 70s! Life experience, maturity, and wisdom are assets, not obstacles, in BDSM.
Everyone starts somewhere. Whether you’re just discovering kink, or coming back after a long break, you deserve to explore and grow. The D/s community is very diverse and more welcoming than you might think.
How to Overcome Feeling Like an Imposter in BDSM
Ready to stop feeling like a fake and start owning your place as a Dom, sub, or switch? Here are five steps that have worked for me and thousands of others:
1. Name Your Imposter Thoughts
Whenever you catch that voice saying, “I don’t belong here,” or “I’ll never be good enough,” notice it. Name it! Saying, “This is my imposter syndrome talking,” helps you separate fact from feeling.
2. Focus on Your ‘Why’
Remind yourself what draws you to BDSM. Is it trust? Intimacy? The freedom to express your true self? Your “why” can keep you motivated, even when self-doubt creeps in.
3. Start with Small, Doable Rituals
You don’t have to go to a dungeon or buy fancy gear to get started. Set one tiny ritual for yourself this week. Maybe you practice kneeling postures, or set an intention each morning as a Dom. Action beats perfection!
4. Practice, Even If It’s Imperfect
The only way to build confidence is to actually do the thing. It should feel awkward and imperfect at first – that means you’re growing. You don’t need “permission” to get started. Just begin, even if it’s messy.
5. Surround Yourself with a Positive Community
Find supportive spaces where others are learning and growing, too. Online forums, local munches (casual meetups for kinksters), or my free BDSM Bootcamp are great places to meet others and realize you are not alone.
Common Fears (And How to Move Past Them)
Let’s tackle a few fears that stop many new kinksters in their tracks:
Fear #1: What if I mess up?
Everyone makes mistakes, even experienced Doms and subs! The key is open communication and repairing things when it doesn’t go as planned. Give yourself room to learn.
Fear #2: What if my body has limits or I’m too old?
BDSM is about power exchange, not acrobatics. Your wisdom, maturity, and compassion are some of your greatest strengths. Scenes can always be adapted to suit your body and needs.
Fear #3: How do I find trustworthy info?
Always look for educators and communities that value consent, are inclusive, and teach with compassion. Avoid anyone who says “you’re not a real Dom/sub unless you do X.” Trust your gut, and seek spaces that feel safe and supportive.
Three Lessons That Changed My Journey
Here’s what finally helped me stop feeling like a fake and start owning my path:
- You will never feel 100% ready. You just start. Confidence is built through action, not waiting for some magic moment.
- Your journey is unique. No two power exchange journeys are the same – and that’s what makes this lifestyle beautiful.
- You don’t need anyone’s permission to belong. If you feel called to explore BDSM, you are already “real.” Full stop.
Ready to Claim Your Place?
Overcoming imposter syndrome isn’t always easy, but you’re already taking the first step by reading this. If you want a step-by-step process to building your BDSM foundation, I invite you to join my free Jumpstart Your BDSM Journey Bootcamp.
You’ll get support from others, practical steps, and a reminder that you belong. Sign up today and start feeling like the real Dom, sub, or switch you already are.
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