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Is your Dom/sub dynamic secretly being sabotaged, but you’re not sure who’s to blame? You’re not alone. Many couples find themselves frustrated, talking it out but getting nowhere. Today, we’ll uncover what’s really going on with topping from the bottom and how to stop it before it wrecks your relationship.
IN THIS EPISODE
- Learn the key signs and how to spot topping from the bottom in your dynamic.
- Discover the underlying reasons both subs and Doms might engage in topping from the bottom.
- Understand how this behavior can erode trust and destabilize your D/s relationship.
- Get practical advice on how to openly discuss issues without causing conflict.
- Find out actionable steps to prevent topping from the bottom and keep your dynamic healthy.
What is Topping from the Bottom?
So, what exactly is topping from the bottom? Let’s break it down:
In a D/s (Dominant/submissive) relationship, both partners have clearly defined roles. The Dominant leads and the submissive follows. However, sometimes the submissive might try to control or influence the dynamic subtly, undermining the Dom’s decisions. This behavior is known as topping from the bottom.
What Topping from the Bottom is Not
It’s important to clarify that topping from the bottom is not the same as a submissive speaking up respectfully or using their safewords. These are vital aspects of a healthy D/s relationship. Instead, topping from the bottom occurs when the submissive starts taking over and giving directions or suggestions during a scene or even in everyday interactions, thus disrupting the power exchange.
Why Does Topping from the Bottom Happen?
Topping from the bottom often comes from a place of insecurity or fear. For instance, a submissive might be afraid of losing control or getting hurt. They may believe that by stepping in, they can prevent things from going too far. Similarly, a Dominant might encourage topping from the bottom if they lack confidence in their role, constantly seeking validation from their submissive.
Past Bad Experiences
Another reason is past bad experiences. A sub might have had a Dom who was abusive, making them more likely to try to regain control. Similarly, a Dom might feel overbearing in their previous dynamics and allow topping from the bottom to happen to avoid conflict.
Influence from Other Relationships
Sometimes, couples see other D/s relationships where topping from the bottom is constant and think it’s a normal part of the dynamic. This misconception can lead to it happening in their own relationship.
The Big Deal: Why Topping from the Bottom is Problematic
Why is topping from the bottom such a big issue? One word: Trust.
Eroding Trust
In a healthy D/s relationship, trust is extremely important. The submissive needs to know that they can safely submit to their Dom, who is in complete control of their well-being. Conversely, the Dominant needs to trust that their sub will follow directions and communicate respectfully. Topping from the bottom erodes this trust, making the Dom question their role and the sub feel guilty and confused.
Power Imbalance
When topping from the bottom becomes habitual, it creates a power imbalance. The Dom may feel unappreciated, and the sub may feel frustrated, leading to a strained relationship. If unchecked, it can even bring the D/s dynamic to an end.
Solutions: How to Address Topping from the Bottom
So, how do you address and prevent topping from the bottom in your D/s dynamic? Here are some solutions:
Open Communication
The first step is open communication. Both partners need to be brutally honest about their needs and desires. This might be uncomfortable initially, but it’s crucial for a healthy relationship.
Set Clear Boundaries
Establish clear boundaries. For instance, during a scene, safewords are acceptable, but suggestions and pointers should be left for after. If you’re in a 24/7 dynamic like I am, set check-ins to discuss any issues respectfully.
Mutual Respect
Both the Dom and the sub have needs that must be met respectfully. The Dom can acknowledge the sub’s desires while maintaining their authoritative role. Similarly, a sub should communicate their needs without undermining the Dom’s control.
Practice Self-Awareness
Be mindful of your actions and words. Both partners should regularly check in with themselves to ensure they stay true to their roles. If you’re the Dom, ask yourself if you’re confident in your decisions. If you’re a sub, ask if you trust your Dom or if fear is influencing your behavior.
Keep Your Relationship Fulfilling and Balanced
Topping from the bottom is challenging, but it’s not impossible to overcome. With the right approach, you can regain balance in your D/s dynamic and strengthen your relationship.
Every relationship has its ups and downs, but navigating through these challenges is how we grow stronger. Remember, addressing topping from the bottom is essential for maintaining a healthy D/s dynamic.
By adhering to these guidelines, you can ensure your D/s relationship remains fulfilling and balanced, allowing both partners to thrive in their respective roles.
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