LISTEN TO THE EPISODE:
APPLE PODCASTS | SPOTIFY | IHEART
Starting my BDSM journey, I was confident that I had all the necessary tools to navigate this lifestyle. I read every book available, attended relevant classes, and felt ready to embark on this new path. But, as it turns out, I made significant mistakes that almost derailed my journey entirely. Today, I’m sharing these three common BDSM mistakes so you can avoid them and thrive in your dynamic.
IN THIS EPISODE
- Discover the three biggest BDSM mistakes that almost derailed my journey.
- Learn why relying too much on rules may harm your BDSM connection.
- Understand why ignoring your needs as a submissive could backfire.
- Explore how your BDSM identity can evolve over time and why that’s okay.
- Find out solutions that helped me navigate these common BDSM pitfalls.
Mistake #1: Relying Too Much on Rules Instead of Connection
When I first began exploring BDSM with my husband, who is also my Dom, I was fixated on rules and rituals. This fixation likely stemmed from my OCD tendencies. I believed that if we had a perfect list of rituals and protocols, everything would run smoothly.
Many say that structure is the backbone of a strong dynamic. I liked the steady routine it provided. But soon, those habits felt like tedious chores instead of meaningful moments, and we began to feel less connected.
Example: In the early days, we had a rule where I needed to text my Dom for permission before eating. This ritual was meant to reinforce my submission and create a deeper bond.
Initially, it was exciting and meaningful, but over time, it became inconvenient. Life obligations sometimes left me starving and waiting for a response to eat. This disconnect made me question whether following rules out of obligation was worth it if it meant sacrificing personal needs.
How We Fixed It: We shifted our focus from adhering strictly to rules to understanding the “why” behind them. Every rule we maintained had to serve a purpose that deepened our connection. This reflection led to quality rituals over sheer quantity. The dining rule evolved, allowing for flexibility but still ensuring accountability and maintaining the feeling of his control in my day-to-day life.
Takeaway: If rules start feeling like traps rather than enablers, reassess them. Ensure your protocols are building up your dynamic, not building walls within it.
Mistake #2: Ignoring My Needs Because I Thought It Was a Submissive’s Role
I used to believe that being a good submissive meant always putting my Dom’s needs above my own. Speaking up felt like I was being needy or clingy. This mindset led to a path where I lost touch with my needs, both inside and outside of scenes. I mistakenly equated submission with silence, causing moments of burnout and disconnect in my relationship.
How I Realized the Problem: One night, despite feeling exhausted, I pushed myself through a demanding scene, believing it was my duty. Yet, mid-scene, I realized I wasn’t present but simply performing submission as an obligation. When I finally expressed my feelings to my Dom, he admitted he wished I’d communicated sooner, and I felt guilty for holding back.
How We Fixed It: I unlearned the notion that submission equals silence. We established a clear communication rule for any feelings of discomfort, ensuring I can express them immediately or during our weekly check-ins. True submission means growing together, which requires mutual understanding and expression of needs.
Takeaway: Submissives, your needs are as vital as your Dom’s. In BDSM, mutual care is key. Doms should create safe spaces for subs to feel valued, heard, and able to express needs.
Mistake #3: Assuming My BDSM Identity Would Never Change
Initially, I believed once I found my identity as a submissive, that was it. Yet, BDSM is an ever-evolving journey, not a set destination. As my interests shifted over time, I feared this change meant I was wrong before. My exploration into new dynamics, like DDlg, made me anxious about being judged or not fitting into the traditional box I initially felt comfortable in.
What Happened Next: Although hesitant, I discovered my Dom’s interests were evolving too. We hadn’t discussed these changes because of fear, but when we finally opened up, it led to a deeper understanding and connection.
How We Fixed It: We began having deep conversations about what excites us currently rather than when we started. Journaling helped me express hesitant feelings, and my Dom used these insights to guide our conversations. This practice allowed us to embrace evolving desires and understand each other more deeply.
Takeaway: Changing desires are normal and signify growth. Embrace them. Regularly discuss evolving interests to sustain a fulfilling dynamic. Your role isn’t set in stone, and that’s a good thing. Never stop growing.
Your BDSM Journey is Unique
These were the three mistakes that could have derailed my BDSM journey. Which one resonated with you the most? Remember, your BDSM journey is unique and ever-evolving. Always check in with yourself and your partner to ensure a thriving and fulfilling dynamic.
Links From the Episode:
Want more? Sign up for my newsletter and get BDSM tips on the regular.
