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It’s hard to believe that when I first started recording the Dom Sub Living Podcast, I was literally sitting on my bedroom floor with my phone, just hoping someone out there wanted real, practical, and honest discussions about BDSM and kink.
Now, 100 episodes later, our podcast has over half a million downloads and 30,000 YouTube subscribers—and I’ve learned so much along the way. If you think you already know everything about kink and Dom/Sub dynamics, trust me, the true learning starts when you really live the lifestyle. Here are my biggest lessons after 100 episodes—lessons I wish someone had told me when I started.
IN THIS EPISODE
- The top 10 powerful lessons I’ve learned after 100 episodes about living the BDSM lifestyle.
- How to stop worrying about what others think and boldly embrace your kink journey.
- The difference between fantasy and reality in real-life BDSM dynamics (and why it matters).
- Why strong, honest communication is the key to every D/s relationship’s success.
- How mental health, personal growth, and community support can transform your Dom/sub experience.
Lesson 1: Stop Caring What People Think
When I was first exploring BDSM, I secretly worried what my family, friends, and even total strangers would think if they found out. If you let that fear control your decisions, you’ll never fully live for yourself. Sadly, people will judge, sometimes out of ignorance or their own shame. Over the years, I realized their opinions say more about them than me and that no one else is living my life.
Your happiness, sexuality, and dynamic are yours to own. If you constantly live in fear of judgment, how much of your life is really yours? Don’t let the voices of outsiders control your choices.
Lesson 2: Fantasy and Reality Aren’t the Same—And That’s Okay
Many of us come into kink with elaborate fantasies, but real life is different. I’ve had “perfect” scenes with the right outfits and plans that just felt awkward or made me self-conscious. Sometimes your hottest fantasies work better in your head than in real life—and that’s normal! Reality is messier but also more meaningful.
I’ve shared plenty of “behind the scenes” moments on the podcast—sick days, kids, jobs, and all the everyday stuff that makes real D/s life uniquely rewarding. No relationship is a constant erotic movie, and you shouldn’t try to force yourself into being a fantasy version of a Dom or sub. Perfect is boring!
Lesson 3: Communication Is the Real Kink
If you can’t talk about it, you probably shouldn’t be doing it. Communication in BDSM is about more than discussing limits—it’s deep, ongoing, and sometimes uncomfortable. I love asking questions like, “How did that scene make you feel?” or “Is there anything you’re craving more of?” My Dom and I do weekly check-ins, often with written journals if something is hard to say out loud.
Sex may be hot, but real connection and aftercare discussions are what make D/s dynamics thrive. Remember, communication only works with the right partner—never settle for less.
Lesson 4: Not All Dominants Are Created Equal
You can meet someone who seems like the perfect Dom on paper—they’re confident, experienced, well-spoken. But if they ignore your boundaries or pressure you for play, that’s a red flag. Titles mean nothing without actions. Always vet potential partners carefully and watch how they treat others.
As I’ve learned (and heard from many listeners), some “educators” in our world can actually display toxic behavior. Make sure you only give your submission—or your dominance—to people who have truly earned your trust.
Lesson 5: Submissives Hold More Power Than They Realize
There’s a stereotype that submissives are silent, voiceless, and don’t speak up. Nothing could be further from the truth! Submission is an active, ongoing gift, NOT weakness. I can totally change the direction of a scene or set new boundaries with just one word. Even if trolls online say otherwise, every real sub knows: Your voice and your power are essential. Don’t be afraid to use them.
Lesson 6: BDSM Isn’t Just for the Bedroom
Some of the most impactful parts of my D/s dynamic have nothing to do with sex. It’s the rituals, daily acts of service, and simple phrases like “good girl” that build trust and intimacy. While some choose to keep kink private and in the bedroom, exploring kink in daily life can make scenes even hotter and will help your dynamic feel more authentic.
Just like training for a marathon makes race day easier, practicing D/s in small ways outside the bedroom prepares you for more intense play.
Lesson 7: Your Mental Health Shapes Your Kink Life
Stress, anxiety, trauma—these affect scenes more than any toy or technique. If you feel “off,” even your favorite kinks can fall flat. I’ve had to prioritize my own therapy and self-care, and I urge everyone to do the same. Good mental and physical health make you a better Dom, sub, or switch. Don’t ignore this foundation; it’s what keeps your dynamic strong.
Lesson 8: The Kink Community Is Diverse… and Imperfect
The kink world is full of amazing, supportive people, but it also has its share of gatekeeping, drama, and ego. I’ve seen how much more diverse the community has become over the years in terms of age, ethnicity, gender, and lifestyle—even the types of dynamics represented!
Our online community at Dom Sub Living welcomes everyone and hosts free events, courses, and resources. Find your people, but don’t waste energy on toxic circles.
Lesson 9: Your First Dynamic Won’t Be Your Last
People evolve, relationships change, and sometimes you outgrow a role or dynamic. That’s natural and not a failure! My own marriage has gone through so many changes—new partners, new roles, and a deeper understanding of ourselves. I even coach others to focus on their own growth, not just how to please their partner. Whether you’re a Dom, sub, or switch, always be open to learning and changing.
Lesson 10: Learning Never Stops
Even after 100 episodes, I’m still discovering new aspects of kink, D/s, aftercare, neurodiversity, psychology, and more. One of the biggest gifts of this podcast has been realizing that my curiosity benefits both my personal life and the community as a whole. Stay open, ask questions, and never stop growing in your D/s journey.
The Podcast Changed My Life—And It Can Change Yours
On a very personal note, this podcast helped me heal from body dysmorphia and grief after losing my sister. Seeing and hearing myself on camera started out as a challenge, but over time, it became a way to reconnect with her memory and embrace my own self-image. If you’re listening, thank you—you’ve been a big part of this journey.
And always remember: Live for yourself, not for someone else’s approval. Life is short—so live kinky!
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